Is 13 too young or normal age to identify as gay?

[Anonymous]

I knew I was attracted to the same gender at 13 (hell, at 11). Not too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13yo DC has told me that they are gay. I am of course supportive. Gave them a hug and told them that I love them no matter what. I guess my question is, is this a typical age when people know one way are the other? I asked DC when they had an inkling, and they said around 4th grade.

It’s only been a week and nothing has changed in our relationship, but I’d love some thoughts/advice on how to navigate this. At the moment, they are at a progressive private middle school where there are a number of LGBTQ+ families and students, but I’m a little worried about the transition to a large public high school next year. Thanks for any advice!

By 13, I knew I liked boys. So why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short answer: it’s a normal age to know which sex you are attracted to

Longer answer: it’s also in the realm of possibility she’s a normal teen and trying to find her identity. She may be gay. She may not be. She may be figuring it out and it could be a stage that passes and it might also be who she is. The important thing either way is she knows she’s accepted by you so she can be comfortable to discover these things for herself without judgment or fear.

Agree with this. Also, for better or worse, I do think it’s a stage lots of kids in this generation are going through. In the space of 10 months, over a dozen girls in my child’s friend group (literally every single one in the cohort) decided they were somewhere on the LGBT+ spectrum. I’m pretty sure not one of them had ever been in a relationship or kissed anyone in a romantic way. Do you think they’ll all stick with it? I doubt it. It’s this generation’s version of LUG, and I think a way for many of them to avoid the scariness of “real” adult sexual relationships with boys. I support their efforts to find themselves, although I hear some are planning to take hormones which seems inappropriate for teens. Good luck. It’s a minefield. Oh, and I’d suggest never ever suggesting to them that it’s potentially a phase. That would cause them to double down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue to be there for your kid but don’t harp on it. Let them bring it up. Only because most 13 yo don’t want parents constantly talking about who they are attracted to.

One of my children told us when she was 10 and we handled it similar to you but then didn’t mention anything for years. We didn’t avoid the topic, but she just wanted us to know and then life went as as normal.

Now all our kids are teens and know we are supportive of all. To be honest, none really want to talk about their crushes to mom and dad and none have been in a serious relationship yet. But they know we are here for them if they ever do want to talk. My point is being straight or gay is just one part of who they are.

This is good advice. My son told us that he wasn't sure if he liked boys or girls when he was about eight. Then last year (at 13) he told us that he thinks he's bisexual and came out at school. He refuses to discuss it with us now and so I just try not to bring it up. He knows we love and support him no matter what. So, no, I don't think 13 is too young, although I think it's a process for many of us to figure out our sexuality as we grow and mature.

[Anonymous]

My son came out at 12 and said he knew he was gay in late ES.

He’s at a large public HS, and there are a ton of LGBTQ+ kids. Are you in a city or progressive area? If so, I wouldn’t assume your child’s experience will be worse when they switch schools.

In terms of sharing the information, this is completely your child’s call; coming out is a hugely personal decision, so defer to their lead on everything, and don’t pressure or make any assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Normal and in my experience on the older side. My brother told me he was gay when he was ten. My goddaughter knew when she was even younger and came out at her Bat mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew I was attracted to the same gender at 13 (hell, at 11). Not too young.

+1. I grew up Unitarian, so it was normalized in my world even back in the 90s. I’d say 11 or 12 when I started identifying as something not-straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue to be there for your kid but don’t harp on it. Let them bring it up. Only because most 13 yo don’t want parents constantly talking about who they are attracted to.

One of my children told us when she was 10 and we handled it similar to you but then didn’t mention anything for years. We didn’t avoid the topic, but she just wanted us to know and then life went as as normal.

Now all our kids are teens and know we are supportive of all. To be honest, none really want to talk about their crushes to mom and dad and none have been in a serious relationship yet. But they know we are here for them if they ever do want to talk. My point is being straight or gay is just one part of who they are.

This is good advice. My son told us that he wasn't sure if he liked boys or girls when he was about eight. Then last year (at 13) he told us that he thinks he's bisexual and came out at school. He refuses to discuss it with us now and so I just try not to bring it up. He knows we love and support him no matter what. So, no, I don't think 13 is too young, although I think it's a process for many of us to figure out our sexuality as we grow and mature.

It’s kind of funny that the new normal is “mom, stop bugging me about my orientation! I don’t want to talk about it!”

[Anonymous]

It’s about the time they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13yo DC has told me that they are gay. I am of course supportive. Gave them a hug and told them that I love them no matter what. I guess my question is, is this a typical age when people know one way are the other? I asked DC when they had an inkling, and they said around 4th grade.

It’s only been a week and nothing has changed in our relationship, but I’d love some thoughts/advice on how to navigate this. At the moment, they are at a progressive private middle school where there are a number of LGBTQ+ families and students, but I’m a little worried about the transition to a large public high school next year. Thanks for any advice!

Is 13 a normal age to identify as straight? Then, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13yo DC has told me that they are gay. I am of course supportive. Gave them a hug and told them that I love them no matter what. I guess my question is, is this a typical age when people know one way are the other? I asked DC when they had an inkling, and they said around 4th grade.

It’s only been a week and nothing has changed in our relationship, but I’d love some thoughts/advice on how to navigate this. At the moment, they are at a progressive private middle school where there are a number of LGBTQ+ families and students, but I’m a little worried about the transition to a large public high school next year. Thanks for any advice!

Is 13 a normal age to identify as straight? Then, yes.

Sorry, I’m the immediate PP and that sounded harsher than I meant it to. You’ve done a good job raising your son so that he felt safe to come to you with this still very personal piece of information at his age. Best wishes to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think the question can apply to anybody: when did you know your sexual orientation? I experienced major crushes, maybe even sexual attraction, by the time I was 11.

There is a lot of good advice out there but the most important thing is to just be supporting and loving like you are. Your kid will get some hate, and at home what they need is a refuge from all that.

You can also support them in things like the books they read, their clothes, etc. I bought DD a pride shirt and it meant a lot to her. She also does GSA and I am happy she found lots of friends through that.

And by supportive, we mean: encouraging.