Newborn and non-vaccinated grandma

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, OP. I would be heartbroken too, but it may prove less stressful to draw a hard line (like no unvaccinated adults near the baby) than play games with quarantine when the person in question has already shown poor judgment about what a quarantine would look like (how were they realistically expecting to quarantine when traveling?)

I was always very close with my mom, and was stunned when she proved to be almost no help after my first baby was born. The baby had colic, I had PPA/PPD, and when I’d call her sobbing with a screaming baby in the background she’d yell at me to just send him to her to raise if I couldn’t handle it. Three years later and that still stings. Can you hire someone to help you, even a few hours a week? You can’t change your mom, but a regular break might ease some of the stress you’re dealing with.

Many hugs and best wishes to you — your baby is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin went through this with my aunt. She was firm, no vaccine, no holding the baby. My aunt got vaccinated.

I think what has really hurt me is that I have heard of so many people in my position threatening grandparents with not being able to see their grandkids, and grandparents have all caved and gotten it. Of everyone I know (which isn't that many people) whose parents weren't going to get the vaccine, my mom is the sole holdout. And I figure if the first 6 months of her grandson's life, while her daughter clearly struggles several states away (I also got laid off from my job during maternity leave - we got acquired, and I fortunately was able to find a new job within 3 weeks), won't push her to do it, nothing will. I wonder how many things we have to miss for her to realize this is her doing, but I also sort of feel like if she hasn't recognized it yet, it ain't gonna happen.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP!! What a selfish mom. I would tell her to forget that quarantining nonsense, I wouldn't believe she's actually doing that. Just tell her no vaccine, no baby. I'm shocked at how some people won't get a vaccine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, OP. I would be heartbroken too, but it may prove less stressful to draw a hard line (like no unvaccinated adults near the baby) than play games with quarantine when the person in question has already shown poor judgment about what a quarantine would look like (how were they realistically expecting to quarantine when traveling?)

I was always very close with my mom, and was stunned when she proved to be almost no help after my first baby was born. The baby had colic, I had PPA/PPD, and when I’d call her sobbing with a screaming baby in the background she’d yell at me to just send him to her to raise if I couldn’t handle it. Three years later and that still stings. Can you hire someone to help you, even a few hours a week? You can’t change your mom, but a regular break might ease some of the stress you’re dealing with.

Many hugs and best wishes to you — your baby is lucky to have you.

OP here. The sad thing is my mom will constantly want to have video calls, make recordings for the baby, and my dad will just sit to the side looking irritated. I know my mom cares about the baby, and she'll constantly send gifts, ask for photos, but it's all virtual. I was telling my husband if I had to do one more zoom call with the baby, I was going to lose my mind.

[Anonymous]

And yet until she gets vaxxed, virtual is all she should get. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

No vaccine, no baby time.

For you, therapy and meds.

[Anonymous]

You are not the family member who needs pills or therapy! I am sorry you are going through this. I was somewhat similiar in getting HELLP and delivering 2 months early. My mom and I were very close and then my mom was diagnosed w/ awful cancer and died a few months later. It is hard to get over the unfairness/anger about your child not being able to have the close relationship you had with your mother (meaning relationship with grandmother for the child). AFter the NICU it also feels like everythign needs to be extra-cautious and any precautions are a given. I think just mourn the loss of the relationship you should be having but don't let that take away from the relationship with your baby or these moments with the baby. Don't gvie in to seeing your mom b/c my nicu baby ended up back in the picu almost annually for the first 4 years. These little babies are still fragile and need to be put first. My only caution is not to convince yourself that you are owed the help from your mom or need it. Especially in this area many people do not have family near by and it is what it is. Hire more help & if you don't feel comfortable with more people around the baby (I didn't), hire help for other thngs such as laundry, meal prep, cleaning, etc. This phase with the baby needing so much time will pass so do what you have to do to get through.
Also, any chance your mom may be experiencing early dementia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need pills or therapy, you are in the right. Honestly it sounds like she’s not making an effort and even if she was vaccinated she wouldn’t be much help. Hire a nanny or mother’s helper and you’ll have more clarity.

Agree with this. No vaccine? No visit with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, OP. I would be heartbroken too, but it may prove less stressful to draw a hard line (like no unvaccinated adults near the baby) than play games with quarantine when the person in question has already shown poor judgment about what a quarantine would look like (how were they realistically expecting to quarantine when traveling?)

I was always very close with my mom, and was stunned when she proved to be almost no help after my first baby was born. The baby had colic, I had PPA/PPD, and when I’d call her sobbing with a screaming baby in the background she’d yell at me to just send him to her to raise if I couldn’t handle it. Three years later and that still stings. Can you hire someone to help you, even a few hours a week? You can’t change your mom, but a regular break might ease some of the stress you’re dealing with.

Many hugs and best wishes to you — your baby is lucky to have you.

OP here. The sad thing is my mom will constantly want to have video calls, make recordings for the baby, and my dad will just sit to the side looking irritated. I know my mom cares about the baby, and she'll constantly send gifts, ask for photos, but it's all virtual. I was telling my husband if I had to do one more zoom call with the baby, I was going to lose my mind.

OP have you considered going even further—no vaccine no zooms no contact, etc.? Your infant isn’t getting anything out of zooming with his grandma and right now, she’s getting exactly what she wants while putting your family Literally at risk of death and otherwise making the entire family totally miserable. Maybe this would Push her to really think. Or at least push your dad to get her there. My mom
Is bipolar. For our safety and that of my baby’s the only thing that ever worked to this end was cutting her off until she got help. The zero contact with us finally pushed my dad enough to push my mom. They see each
Other every day after all. And I echo the others posting here. Im just so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, OP. I would be heartbroken too, but it may prove less stressful to draw a hard line (like no unvaccinated adults near the baby) than play games with quarantine when the person in question has already shown poor judgment about what a quarantine would look like (how were they realistically expecting to quarantine when traveling?)

I was always very close with my mom, and was stunned when she proved to be almost no help after my first baby was born. The baby had colic, I had PPA/PPD, and when I’d call her sobbing with a screaming baby in the background she’d yell at me to just send him to her to raise if I couldn’t handle it. Three years later and that still stings. Can you hire someone to help you, even a few hours a week? You can’t change your mom, but a regular break might ease some of the stress you’re dealing with.

Many hugs and best wishes to you — your baby is lucky to have you.

OP here. The sad thing is my mom will constantly want to have video calls, make recordings for the baby, and my dad will just sit to the side looking irritated. I know my mom cares about the baby, and she'll constantly send gifts, ask for photos, but it's all virtual. I was telling my husband if I had to do one more zoom call with the baby, I was going to lose my mind.

OP have you considered going even further—no vaccine no zooms no contact, etc.? Your infant isn’t getting anything out of zooming with his grandma and right now, she’s getting exactly what she wants while putting your family Literally at risk of death and otherwise making the entire family totally miserable. Maybe this would Push her to really think. Or at least push your dad to get her there. My mom
Is bipolar. For our safety and that of my baby’s the only thing that ever worked to this end was cutting her off until she got help. The zero contact with us finally pushed my dad enough to push my mom. They see each
Other every day after all. And I echo the others posting here. Im just so sorry.

You still send pictures and talk. That is absurd. If mom would quarantine for two weeks and do two negative tests it would be a lot safer.

[Anonymous]

Your mother made her choice. Your most important job as a parent is to protect your baby. Grandma doesn’t get to see the baby in person. End of discussion. Don’t get sucked into arguments or tearful diatribes from your mother. Simply say no. And feel proud of your strength and love for your baby.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't take my baby there this fall. Your mother staying at home while your father continues to go out (even though he's vaccinated) does not count as a quarantine unless they live in separate parts of the house and have no contact.

[Anonymous]

Is there another vaccinated woman in your family or close circle who could give you some of the nurturing you crave? An aunt? A cousin? A mentor? My mom hasn’t always been capable of mothering me as I needed but I’ve been blessed to have many other nurturing women in my life. Maybe cultivate a relationship with another woman figure to help get the care and attention for you and baby that you both deserve and need? If you truly can’t think of anyone consider joining a faith group or a parent support group like PACE.

[Anonymous]

I mean …. Is there mental illness or decline in the picture? Maybe I would be easier for you to accept (not change your mind about your boundaries, but accept who she is) if you realize that she is simply incapable of thinking rationally. It’s not necessarily a free choice that she’s making if she’s incapable of rational thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, OP. I would be heartbroken too, but it may prove less stressful to draw a hard line (like no unvaccinated adults near the baby) than play games with quarantine when the person in question has already shown poor judgment about what a quarantine would look like (how were they realistically expecting to quarantine when traveling?)

I was always very close with my mom, and was stunned when she proved to be almost no help after my first baby was born. The baby had colic, I had PPA/PPD, and when I’d call her sobbing with a screaming baby in the background she’d yell at me to just send him to her to raise if I couldn’t handle it. Three years later and that still stings. Can you hire someone to help you, even a few hours a week? You can’t change your mom, but a regular break might ease some of the stress you’re dealing with.

Many hugs and best wishes to you — your baby is lucky to have you.

OP here. The sad thing is my mom will constantly want to have video calls, make recordings for the baby, and my dad will just sit to the side looking irritated. I know my mom cares about the baby, and she'll constantly send gifts, ask for photos, but it's all virtual. I was telling my husband if I had to do one more zoom call with the baby, I was going to lose my mind.

OP have you considered going even further—no vaccine no zooms no contact, etc.? Your infant isn’t getting anything out of zooming with his grandma and right now, she’s getting exactly what she wants while putting your family Literally at risk of death and otherwise making the entire family totally miserable. Maybe this would Push her to really think. Or at least push your dad to get her there. My mom
Is bipolar. For our safety and that of my baby’s the only thing that ever worked to this end was cutting her off until she got help. The zero contact with us finally pushed my dad enough to push my mom. They see each
Other every day after all. And I echo the others posting here. Im just so sorry.

If it's upsetting you and stressing, that's a good enough reason to push back. I don't know if it has to be a complete cutoff, but I would scale back to whatever level of engagement is healthy for you. Pp is right, baby is getting nothing from zoom.