Newborn and non-vaccinated grandma

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08/12/2021 14:02

Subject: Newborn and non-vaccinated grandma

quote

Anonymous

(I posted this in the Family forum, but actually think it may make sense here since I have a 5 month old and that's a lot of what it's about. Sorry for the double post!)

Hey all, I've seen several posts about this, but genuinely just would like to share my experience. I have a newborn who was born this spring and we had a pretty terrible birth experience. I was in the hospital with a severe preeclampsia for a week before his birth, and then he ended up in the NICU for another week First hospital experience, I've always been healthy, so it was pretty traumatizing. My husband and I have always been pretty careful about the COVID stuff this past year, and while I'm not a paranoid person, more than ever, after my birth experience and the NICU stay for my baby, it really kind of drove home the "anything can happen" mentality. I have not wanted to take any chances on my son getting sick. I don't want him to be the boy in the bubble, but the NICU experience traumatized me, and I am not willing to do anything that may put him at risk.

Meanwhile, throughout the last year, my mom and dad (who has Parkinsons disease) have recently retired and were traveling all around to the county, to visit friends in many COVID hot-spots, and not being "careful" at all. I asked them to quarantine before meeting baby, and we spent the final months leading up to his birth ignoring my email requests to discuss what a quarantine would look like (since they were on the road and not at home). The baby ended up coming a month early, and they couldn't be there to support me because their trip plans didn't allow because they didn't know how to change their quarantine plan at that point. So I had zero support from them. Please note I have historically been VERY close with my parents, and I was genuinely hurt and shocked that they didn't prioritize understanding our quarantine request in order to try and make it work in a way that they could have been here. They ended up meeting him two months after his birth.

Fast forward, my father did decide to get the vaccine. My mom did not. I have a brother who lives over in Europe. My parents live in New England. My mom insists that anytime she comes down to see the baby, she is happy to quarantine for 2 weeks up north in advance of their trip, and that my dad (who, reminder, has Parkinsons) can do all their errands while she is quarantining. She said if there's any sort of emergency, my dad can drive down to DC to help me, and she will join later. They just also had to cancel a planned trip to Europe to see my brother, because of restrictions on the unvaccinated in the country they were planning to visit. I have been devastated over the lack of time I've been able to have with them, because I can't fathom asking my mom to quarantine and have my dad run around and be her gopher every single time I want them to come down to DC. She will NOT get vaccinated. I have tried calm conversations, I have had angry conversations, and she won't listen to my dad or brother, either. She has a very small group of friends from college who it seems support each other in this view, but literally no one else in our family nor close family friends shares this perspective. I am a new mom and she has not seen my son more than once. My husband works crazy hours and I could have used the support a million times. I haven't brought this up to her because she would genuinely believe that it's on me, because I haven't asked them to quarantine... which, per above, I don't feel comfortable doing based on my dad's situation. We DO have a planned visit in October which they will be quarantining for. I don't know about the holidays yet.

It beyond stings, although I know it's not personal, that I don't feel I have my mom as a legitimate resource. We used to do more video calls and speak over the phone because she and I are very close, but it's becoming near impossible for me to have even superficial conversation with her because I feel so upset and alone. I have talked with my dad about it, and he agrees that we are allowed to feel upset, but he can't do anything to change her mind, either. She's missing out on time with my son, she's missing out on opportunities to spend time together, but she legitimately believes these "conspiracy theories" that the government is after us, and has said she doesn't even trust that when it's FDA approved, it will be "safe". I AM in therapy but despite all the mind games I play with myself and focus on "in the moment" i have, it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm losing the relationship with her and would do anything for this to feel normal. I also hate that my dad, who I know is a grown up, is going to miss out on opportunities with us as well. My brother also of course lives in Europe, and they can't even go over there, right now. And down the line, if my son gets vaccinated, will my mom even be able to go places with us in DC if these mandates are rolled out? I'm just hoping maybe someone else may be dealing with a similar situation or feel equally lost in all this sometimes. It's really starting to max me out.