Newborn and non-vaccinated grandma

[Anonymous]

OP how old is your mom? Sometimes with old ppl you have to not take things personally and take them as they are. Instead of having your mom quarantine can she take a PCR test as soon as she arrives, quarantine until the results come out and then stay with you. She can then repeat the PCR test in 4 days. When she is with you have her stay with you and establish rules on where she can and cannot go. Preferably she would only go to outdoor locations.

[Anonymous]

I have a few friends going through very similar situations, I'm so sorry OP. I think the only thing to do is not allow any in-person contact with the baby. RSV is a huge concern right now let alone COVID. My 3yo has been sick for a week and his pediatrician said there are tons of viruses going around right now since people are back out and about. I wouldn't want to deal with the logistics of quarantine, PCR testing, etc., you have enough stress as a new mom. Your mother has made her choice to not get vaccinated. That choice means she cannot see her grandchild in person. Your mental health and your own family unit (you, spouse, and baby) have every right to make a choice that keeps you all safe.

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, it’s your mom’s body and it’s her choice. It sounds like she’s been as accommodating as she feels she comfortable with. Do you always try and control what other people can and can’t do with their body? This frankly sounds insane.

[Anonymous]

Don't put too much stock in the vaccine. People are still able to transmit the virus. And I don't see the point of one person in the house quarantining while the other is running around doing errands.

Chalk it up to selfish Boomer parents. I also had to do 2 childbirths, first time post partum with my husband going back to work less than a week later, a c section and an IVF cycle with zero help from either sets of Boomer parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, I might not be correct at all, but your mom might not want the obligation of being there for you as a new mom OR as a grandmother. My parents only engaged with their kids when they were older, and then back away again once the grandkids started coming. Now elderly in need of help, they expect that all their kids will do all the work to take care of them. The long way of saying some parents have zero interest in being parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, it’s your mom’s body and it’s her choice. It sounds like she’s been as accommodating as she feels she comfortable with. Do you always try and control what other people can and can’t do with their body? This frankly sounds insane.

NP I do when their choice could literally kill my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, it’s your mom’s body and it’s her choice. It sounds like she’s been as accommodating as she feels she comfortable with. Do you always try and control what other people can and can’t do with their body? This frankly sounds insane.

Sheesh, if people want to drive drunk it's their body their choice! Do Tom always try to tell people what to do with their body!

[Anonymous]

My 15-month old’s grandmother hasn’t met her yet. You can’t make people care about you. It hurts, but I think the only thing to can do is work on letting go emotionally and focus on building other relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(I posted this in the Family forum, but actually think it may make sense here since I have a 5 month old and that's a lot of what it's about. Sorry for the double post!)

Hey all, I've seen several posts about this, but genuinely just would like to share my experience. I have a newborn who was born this spring and we had a pretty terrible birth experience. I was in the hospital with a severe preeclampsia for a week before his birth, and then he ended up in the NICU for another week First hospital experience, I've always been healthy, so it was pretty traumatizing. My husband and I have always been pretty careful about the COVID stuff this past year, and while I'm not a paranoid person, more than ever, after my birth experience and the NICU stay for my baby, it really kind of drove home the "anything can happen" mentality. I have not wanted to take any chances on my son getting sick. I don't want him to be the boy in the bubble, but the NICU experience traumatized me, and I am not willing to do anything that may put him at risk.

Meanwhile, throughout the last year, my mom and dad (who has Parkinsons disease) have recently retired and were traveling all around to the county, to visit friends in many COVID hot-spots, and not being "careful" at all. I asked them to quarantine before meeting baby, and we spent the final months leading up to his birth ignoring my email requests to discuss what a quarantine would look like (since they were on the road and not at home). The baby ended up coming a month early, and they couldn't be there to support me because their trip plans didn't allow because they didn't know how to change their quarantine plan at that point. So I had zero support from them. Please note I have historically been VERY close with my parents, and I was genuinely hurt and shocked that they didn't prioritize understanding our quarantine request in order to try and make it work in a way that they could have been here. They ended up meeting him two months after his birth.

Fast forward, my father did decide to get the vaccine. My mom did not. I have a brother who lives over in Europe. My parents live in New England. My mom insists that anytime she comes down to see the baby, she is happy to quarantine for 2 weeks up north in advance of their trip, and that my dad (who, reminder, has Parkinsons) can do all their errands while she is quarantining. She said if there's any sort of emergency, my dad can drive down to DC to help me, and she will join later. They just also had to cancel a planned trip to Europe to see my brother, because of restrictions on the unvaccinated in the country they were planning to visit. I have been devastated over the lack of time I've been able to have with them, because I can't fathom asking my mom to quarantine and have my dad run around and be her gopher every single time I want them to come down to DC. She will NOT get vaccinated. I have tried calm conversations, I have had angry conversations, and she won't listen to my dad or brother, either. She has a very small group of friends from college who it seems support each other in this view, but literally no one else in our family nor close family friends shares this perspective. I am a new mom and she has not seen my son more than once. My husband works crazy hours and I could have used the support a million times. I haven't brought this up to her because she would genuinely believe that it's on me, because I haven't asked them to quarantine... which, per above, I don't feel comfortable doing based on my dad's situation. We DO have a planned visit in October which they will be quarantining for. I don't know about the holidays yet.

It beyond stings, although I know it's not personal, that I don't feel I have my mom as a legitimate resource. We used to do more video calls and speak over the phone because she and I are very close, but it's becoming near impossible for me to have even superficial conversation with her because I feel so upset and alone. I have talked with my dad about it, and he agrees that we are allowed to feel upset, but he can't do anything to change her mind, either. She's missing out on time with my son, she's missing out on opportunities to spend time together, but she legitimately believes these "conspiracy theories" that the government is after us, and has said she doesn't even trust that when it's FDA approved, it will be "safe". I AM in therapy but despite all the mind games I play with myself and focus on "in the moment" i have, it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm losing the relationship with her and would do anything for this to feel normal. I also hate that my dad, who I know is a grown up, is going to miss out on opportunities with us as well. My brother also of course lives in Europe, and they can't even go over there, right now. And down the line, if my son gets vaccinated, will my mom even be able to go places with us in DC if these mandates are rolled out? I'm just hoping maybe someone else may be dealing with a similar situation or feel equally lost in all this sometimes. It's really starting to max me out.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Your mom and her friends are clueless (I know you already know that).

Your dad “running all their errands” and then coming home to your unvaccinated mom is not quarantining. Vaccinated people can spread the virus, especially to the more susceptible unvaccinated. They BOTH need to really quarantine for two weeks before they come, if they come. No inside. Drive through or delivery for groceries and pharmacy. You can help them arrange (and pay for it? Although if they’re doing that much traveling, they likely can afford it themselves), but insist. It’s up to you whether you trust them enough to be honest about quarantine. You know them better than we do.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop the incessant zooming. “Mom, all of these video calls are for YOU, not for us. The baby gets overstimulated by them and they make our life harder. I’m not going to keep doing them. If you want to see her get your stupid shot and come down.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, it’s your mom’s body and it’s her choice. It sounds like she’s been as accommodating as she feels she comfortable with. Do you always try and control what other people can and can’t do with their body? This frankly sounds insane.

Oh, grow up. She can do whatever she wants “with her body.” She doesn’t have the right to bring her irresponsible, unvaccinated “body” around OP’s NICU baby. Sorry, MeeMaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d stop the incessant zooming. “Mom, all of these video calls are for YOU, not for us. The baby gets overstimulated by them and they make our life harder. I’m not going to keep doing them. If you want to see her get your stupid shot and come down.”

Do this.

[Anonymous]

My parents always wanted to zoom during 2020 also. It wasn’t even a vaccine issue back then it was just that my kids were in virtual school ALL DAY on zoom, I wasn’t going to make them zoom again right after words. (They were 4 and 6 last year). I said sorry I know you’re wanting to see them but we are in the 7th circle of zoom hell all week and just, no. No.

They understood once I explained it.

If we were zooming because of grandma not getting the shot? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(I posted this in the Family forum, but actually think it may make sense here since I have a 5 month old and that's a lot of what it's about. Sorry for the double post!)

Hey all, I've seen several posts about this, but genuinely just would like to share my experience. I have a newborn who was born this spring and we had a pretty terrible birth experience. I was in the hospital with a severe preeclampsia for a week before his birth, and then he ended up in the NICU for another week First hospital experience, I've always been healthy, so it was pretty traumatizing. My husband and I have always been pretty careful about the COVID stuff this past year, and while I'm not a paranoid person, more than ever, after my birth experience and the NICU stay for my baby, it really kind of drove home the "anything can happen" mentality. I have not wanted to take any chances on my son getting sick. I don't want him to be the boy in the bubble, but the NICU experience traumatized me, and I am not willing to do anything that may put him at risk.

Meanwhile, throughout the last year, my mom and dad (who has Parkinsons disease) have recently retired and were traveling all around to the county, to visit friends in many COVID hot-spots, and not being "careful" at all. I asked them to quarantine before meeting baby, and we spent the final months leading up to his birth ignoring my email requests to discuss what a quarantine would look like (since they were on the road and not at home). The baby ended up coming a month early, and they couldn't be there to support me because their trip plans didn't allow because they didn't know how to change their quarantine plan at that point. So I had zero support from them. Please note I have historically been VERY close with my parents, and I was genuinely hurt and shocked that they didn't prioritize understanding our quarantine request in order to try and make it work in a way that they could have been here. They ended up meeting him two months after his birth.

Fast forward, my father did decide to get the vaccine. My mom did not. I have a brother who lives over in Europe. My parents live in New England. My mom insists that anytime she comes down to see the baby, she is happy to quarantine for 2 weeks up north in advance of their trip, and that my dad (who, reminder, has Parkinsons) can do all their errands while she is quarantining. She said if there's any sort of emergency, my dad can drive down to DC to help me, and she will join later. They just also had to cancel a planned trip to Europe to see my brother, because of restrictions on the unvaccinated in the country they were planning to visit. I have been devastated over the lack of time I've been able to have with them, because I can't fathom asking my mom to quarantine and have my dad run around and be her gopher every single time I want them to come down to DC. She will NOT get vaccinated. I have tried calm conversations, I have had angry conversations, and she won't listen to my dad or brother, either. She has a very small group of friends from college who it seems support each other in this view, but literally no one else in our family nor close family friends shares this perspective. I am a new mom and she has not seen my son more than once. My husband works crazy hours and I could have used the support a million times. I haven't brought this up to her because she would genuinely believe that it's on me, because I haven't asked them to quarantine... which, per above, I don't feel comfortable doing based on my dad's situation. We DO have a planned visit in October which they will be quarantining for. I don't know about the holidays yet.

It beyond stings, although I know it's not personal, that I don't feel I have my mom as a legitimate resource. We used to do more video calls and speak over the phone because she and I are very close, but it's becoming near impossible for me to have even superficial conversation with her because I feel so upset and alone. I have talked with my dad about it, and he agrees that we are allowed to feel upset, but he can't do anything to change her mind, either. She's missing out on time with my son, she's missing out on opportunities to spend time together, but she legitimately believes these "conspiracy theories" that the government is after us, and has said she doesn't even trust that when it's FDA approved, it will be "safe". I AM in therapy but despite all the mind games I play with myself and focus on "in the moment" i have, it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm losing the relationship with her and would do anything for this to feel normal. I also hate that my dad, who I know is a grown up, is going to miss out on opportunities with us as well. My brother also of course lives in Europe, and they can't even go over there, right now. And down the line, if my son gets vaccinated, will my mom even be able to go places with us in DC if these mandates are rolled out? I'm just hoping maybe someone else may be dealing with a similar situation or feel equally lost in all this sometimes. It's really starting to max me out.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Your mom and her friends are clueless (I know you already know that).

Your dad “running all their errands” and then coming home to your unvaccinated mom is not quarantining. Vaccinated people can spread the virus, especially to the more susceptible unvaccinated. They BOTH need to really quarantine for two weeks before they come, if they come. No inside. Drive through or delivery for groceries and pharmacy. You can help them arrange (and pay for it? Although if they’re doing that much traveling, they likely can afford it themselves), but insist. It’s up to you whether you trust them enough to be honest about quarantine. You know them better than we do.

Don't insist. They're almost flat out saying they're not interested in your quarantine plan. They will just fib or possibly even lie to your face. Talk their behavior at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15-month old’s grandmother hasn’t met her yet. You can’t make people care about you. It hurts, but I think the only thing to can do is work on letting go emotionally and focus on building other relationships.

It is better to find out now than in some kind of crisis. Count your sh***y blessings.