I'm tired of my parents excusing my sisters vindictive behavior as jealousy

[Anonymous]

Both things can be true at the same time. She’s jealous and it’s not a valid reason to treat you poorly. The moving on is the hard part. Why would you want to? Accepting her behavior isn’t healthy, which you already know. What happens when you call her on it? I know it’s hard. Rather than take the bait and get upset, what would she say if you asked her why she was being so shitty to you?

[Anonymous]

OP I have a sister with a personality disorder. My parents have excused her bat shit crazy and vindictive behavior her whole life because she had a really high IQ. When teachers said she was condescending and belittling they figured it was because the teacher was dumb and intimidated. When she was cruel to me growing up they just said "that's what big sisters do" or they ignored it. When her significant other relationships went up in flames it was always the other person's fault. When she had trouble at work, she was the victim.

Here's the kicker, I didn't try to involve my parents in adulthood. I simply distanced myself. She complained to mommy and mommy and mommy exploded. She did some surprisingly cruel things after that and I stopped responding to emails or calls. She told mommy and mommy exploded and sent me abusive emails and calls. I calmly asked my mother why she is inserting herself into this and she went on a rampage about how cruel I am and how horrible my husband and kids are for not getting sucked in so I stepped back some from mom too. Keep in mind, even my mother clashed with sissy at one point and was estranged for a period of time. Through therapy I have learned my family is bat shit crazy and I have a right to set boundaries, so I do. I also just don't engage at all with my sister.

[Anonymous]

Decide what relationship you want with your sister— distant and cordial is just fine. Then have that relationship. You do not need to be with her all the time. If your parents object, say calmly that, as they know, your sister has been vindictive toward you and you think that a healthy adult relationship needs good boundaries.

Are your parents saying she’s jealous of a particular thing or issue? Because frankly if you’re their responsible/successful child and she’s a disaster they’re enabling, I would have a more candid discussion about what their expectations later in life are, and make clear that you don’t intend to be abused by your sister in an ongoing way, and that they may want to make plans for her to be their primary caregiver if they’re going to enable that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decide what relationship you want with your sister— distant and cordial is just fine. Then have that relationship. You do not need to be with her all the time. If your parents object, say calmly that, as they know, your sister has been vindictive toward you and you think that a healthy adult relationship needs good boundaries.

Are your parents saying she’s jealous of a particular thing or issue? Because frankly if you’re their responsible/successful child and she’s a disaster they’re enabling, I would have a more candid discussion about what their expectations later in life are, and make clear that you don’t intend to be abused by your sister in an ongoing way, and that they may want to make plans for her to be their primary caregiver if they’re going to enable that.

OP here. This is good advice. I am the youngest in the family, my sister the oldest. For a long time I was a party girl and spent my 20’s traveling, partying, and making some fun but irrational decisions. My family has always treated me as such, especially my sister. At some point in my early 30s I finished grad school, got married and my spouse and now run two successful businesses. She was the golden child and had done alright, not the caliber my parents expected but has nice kids and husband. Every parenting decision, activity with our parents, even the neighborhood I live in , car I drive and choice of pet is up for scorn. Family events are always interrupted by her needing our parents to do something for her and having to leave or her spending the entire time together trying to tell my husband about my past or yelling at my kids. It always happens when we are all together which is why these conversations about jealousy happen with my parents. It’s always uncomfortable for everyone. My husband and I have distanced ourselves from her but my parents now want us to come around and think we need to just deal with it. That’s what’s so maddening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Decide what relationship you want with your sister— distant and cordial is just fine. Then have that relationship. You do not need to be with her all the time. If your parents object, say calmly that, as they know, your sister has been vindictive toward you and you think that a healthy adult relationship needs good boundaries.

Are your parents saying she’s jealous of a particular thing or issue? Because frankly if you’re their responsible/successful child and she’s a disaster they’re enabling, I would have a more candid discussion about what their expectations later in life are, and make clear that you don’t intend to be abused by your sister in an ongoing way, and that they may want to make plans for her to be their primary caregiver if they’re going to enable that.

OP here. This is good advice. I am the youngest in the family, my sister the oldest. For a long time I was a party girl and spent my 20’s traveling, partying, and making some fun but irrational decisions. My family has always treated me as such, especially my sister. At some point in my early 30s I finished grad school, got married and my spouse and now run two successful businesses. She was the golden child and had done alright, not the caliber my parents expected but has nice kids and husband. Every parenting decision, activity with our parents, even the neighborhood I live in , car I drive and choice of pet is up for scorn. Family events are always interrupted by her needing our parents to do something for her and having to leave or her spending the entire time together trying to tell my husband about my past or yelling at my kids. It always happens when we are all together which is why these conversations about jealousy happen with my parents. It’s always uncomfortable for everyone. My husband and I have distanced ourselves from her but my parents now want us to come around and think we need to just deal with it. That’s what’s so maddening.

Not the person you are responding to, but I relate. My sister-also older was the Golden. I was the more typical kid, with a mild streak of mischievous. but I got along with people. She was their Golden and got into ivy everything, never partied, but wasn't nice to people. I am now the one with a good marriage, a job I love that stable and flexible and a happy life. She is bitter and angry, her relationships go up in flames, has a bitter divorce under her belt with a kid who hates her and she does not get along at her fancy job. My parents rescued her and babied her and even with just one parent left who is frail and aging she comes to town and the parent takes care of her like a baby. She constantly brings up my past and acts like I am still that kid who rebels a little, parties, etc and I have grown up. She still talks down to me and tries to boss me around and throws a tantrum when i don't play the role she wants me to play. Same thing that my husband and I and our kids have distanced ourselves and my mother tries to insist we come around and yells at us like we are obstinate children or rebellious teenagers. I learned to detach and calmly hold my ground. I have enough stress and just don't have any energy to give to it. You have more control than you think OP and if you are a people pleaser, let it go, it does not serve you.

[Anonymous]

No one likes a tattletale, Cindy. As a result, we're taking away Kitty Carryall and sending you and Jan to a rustic camp for the remainder of the summer. There is no maid service there.