Reply to I'm tired of my parents excusing my sisters vindictive behavior as jealousy

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Decide what relationship you want with your sister— distant and cordial is just fine. Then have that relationship. You do not need to be with her all the time. If your parents object, say calmly that, as they know, your sister has been vindictive toward you and you think that a healthy adult relationship needs good boundaries.

Are your parents saying she’s jealous of a particular thing or issue? Because frankly if you’re their responsible/successful child and she’s a disaster they’re enabling, I would have a more candid discussion about what their expectations later in life are, and make clear that you don’t intend to be abused by your sister in an ongoing way, and that they may want to make plans for her to be their primary caregiver if they’re going to enable that.[/quote]

OP here. This is good advice. I am the youngest in the family, my sister the oldest. For a long time I was a party girl and spent my 20’s traveling, partying, and making some fun but irrational decisions. My family has always treated me as such, especially my sister. At some point in my early 30s I finished grad school, got married and my spouse and now run two successful businesses. She was the golden child and had done alright, not the caliber my parents expected but has nice kids and husband. Every parenting decision, activity with our parents, even the neighborhood I live in , car I drive and choice of pet is  up for scorn. Family events are always interrupted by her needing our parents to do something for her and having to leave or her spending the entire time together trying to tell my husband about my past or yelling at my kids. It always happens when we are all together which is why these conversations about jealousy happen with my parents. It’s always uncomfortable for everyone. My husband and I have distanced ourselves from her but my parents now want us to come around and think we need to just deal with it. That’s what’s so maddening. [/quote]

Not the person you are responding to, but I relate. My sister-also older was the Golden. I was the more typical kid, with a mild streak of mischievous. but I got along with people. She was their Golden and got into ivy everything, never partied, but wasn't nice to people. I am  now the one with a good marriage, a job I love that stable and flexible and a happy life. She is bitter and angry, her relationships go up in flames, has a bitter divorce under her belt with a kid who hates her and she does not get along at her fancy job. My parents rescued her and babied her and even with just one parent left who is frail and aging she comes to town and the parent takes care of her like a baby. She constantly brings up my past and acts like I am still that kid who rebels a little, parties, etc and I have grown up. She still talks down to me and tries to boss me around and throws a tantrum when i don't play the role she wants me to play. Same thing that my husband and I and our kids have distanced ourselves and my mother tries to insist we come around and yells at us like we are obstinate children or rebellious teenagers. I learned to detach and calmly hold my ground. I have enough stress and just don't have any energy to give to it. You have more control than you think OP and if you are a people pleaser, let it go, it does not serve you.[/quote]

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