How to deal with no attention from husband (from the derailer of rekindling the romance thread)

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about your situation. This is pretty basic, but have you sat him down and told him exactly how these comments about your body make you feel? I'm not sure how other posters get to the conclusion that "he doesn't love you" because, of course, neither of you have to stay in the marriage or be faithful to each other, and it sounds like you both are. I tend to shy away from conflict, so I know this will be hard, but I think you need to tell him so clearly that he can't possibly misunderstand how you feel when he says these things. Then, if he keeps saying them and disregards your feelings, you will know what is important (or not) to him and can decide what you want to do about it and whether you want a divorce. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear about your situation. This is pretty basic, but have you sat him down and told him exactly how these comments about your body make you feel? I'm not sure how other posters get to the conclusion that "he doesn't love you" because, of course, neither of you have to stay in the marriage or be faithful to each other, and it sounds like you both are. I tend to shy away from conflict, so I know this will be hard, but I think you need to tell him so clearly that he can't possibly misunderstand how you feel when he says these things. Then, if he keeps saying them and disregards your feelings, you will know what is important (or not) to him and can decide what you want to do about it and whether you want a divorce. Good luck!

I did not sit him down, but I make it pretty clear that I do not appreciate his comments every time he makes them. I also told him plenty of times that I do not workout with the specific goal to grow my traps or any other muscle, but because I simply love doing it and because it helps my mental health. So I would think he knows already I am sensitive to these comments, yet it does not prevent him from continuing to make them. I think I am already at a point when I need to put my foot down and tell him in no uncertain terms that I am out if he does not stop.

[Anonymous]

Do you love him?

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No

OP here. I did not actually write this, but whoever did is probably right. In our very rare intimate moments I feel like I still do, but outside of that no, not really.

[Anonymous]

i'm a guy and can tell you most men do not find muscular women attractive
your DH fell in love and married you when you were transitioning from a bit of a chubster to muscular so at the time you probably looked nice .. average to slim?
over the years you have built up muscles
he has a right not to feel physical attraction to that
you have a right to continue your muscle build up

both of you should probably break up/divorce and find happiness ... no harm in that

[Anonymous]

Some men talk crap and tease and needle women incessantly. Build yourself up like the hottie you are. And when he’s being crude in front of you and with a friend speak up. Love yourself first. The whole spiel is all about HIM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i'm a guy and can tell you most men do not find muscular women attractive
your DH fell in love and married you when you were transitioning from a bit of a chubster to muscular so at the time you probably looked nice .. average to slim?
over the years you have built up muscles
he has a right not to feel physical attraction to that
you have a right to continue your muscle build up

both of you should probably break up/divorce and find happiness ... no harm in that

OP here. I am far from looking like a bodybuilder and in regular clothes I just look thin. You can see the pump right after I worked out but as I said I am no Incredible Hulk. I just look fit and keep getting compliments from both men and women. The fact that this is not my husband’s preference does not give him the right to be an ass about it. I was also hoping that he married me for more than my looks and I don’t see how me starting to look a bit different should be grounds for divorce. Would you be ok if I came here to complain my husband is getting bald, has less muscle and a bigger belly than when I married him so I am thinking of divorce because, as most women, I prefer men to have hair and be really fit? He changed too and I am not giving him sh*t for that. I thought marriage was supposed to be also about being able to grow together and supporting each other in the journeys we choose and particularly if the choices are toward the better. There are countless benefits from women lifting weights, both mental and physical, and it is really frustrating to me that the person closest to me is not willing to focus on those and appreciate that I am feeling much better about myself than when I was the chubster he met.

[Anonymous]

As a guy, he sound like an ass.

Do you want him to be attracted to you? Maybe subconsciously you don't and that is why the chemistry isn't there.

My wife will acknowledge other attractive people, but she also knows I only desire her. So she comfortable mentioning someone is attractive or an attractive feature on another woman.

[Anonymous]

You know this isn’t how normal people talk to each other, right? His words are mean and disrespectful. This is the man who should be loving you and always, ALWAYS have your back. You say you are mad, but have you told him to STOP? When he continues, you need to leave the room/restaurant and call an Uber to take you home. In the future, don’t be surprised when our child mimics their father’s nasty comments towards you. Sorry if I am harsh, this situation is horrifying. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm a guy and can tell you most men do not find muscular women attractive
your DH fell in love and married you when you were transitioning from a bit of a chubster to muscular so at the time you probably looked nice .. average to slim?
over the years you have built up muscles
he has a right not to feel physical attraction to that
you have a right to continue your muscle build up

both of you should probably break up/divorce and find happiness ... no harm in that

OP here. I am far from looking like a bodybuilder and in regular clothes I just look thin. You can see the pump right after I worked out but as I said I am no Incredible Hulk. I just look fit and keep getting compliments from both men and women. The fact that this is not my husband’s preference does not give him the right to be an ass about it. I was also hoping that he married me for more than my looks and I don’t see how me starting to look a bit different should be grounds for divorce. Would you be ok if I came here to complain my husband is getting bald, has less muscle and a bigger belly than when I married him so I am thinking of divorce because, as most women, I prefer men to have hair and be really fit? He changed too and I am not giving him sh*t for that. I thought marriage was supposed to be also about being able to grow together and supporting each other in the journeys we choose and particularly if the choices are toward the better. There are countless benefits from women lifting weights, both mental and physical, and it is really frustrating to me that the person closest to me is not willing to focus on those and appreciate that I am feeling much better about myself than when I was the chubster he met.

New poster. OP, I'm sorry your husband is immature. I'm also rather sorry you responded to that poster above because he only wanted to irk and upset you. The whole "he has a right not to feel attraction to that" is cover for really saying "You must be ugly, divorce!" Ignore.

You can't ignore your husband, though. From what you describe, I would say it is time to simply stop trying to talk to him etc. and tell him that you have made an appointment to start marriage counseling with a strong, strong focus on improving communication (for both of you, not just him-- you need to be more assertive) and on understanding each others' feelings. That last one? Yeah, I mean HE needs to treat YOU like you matter. The comments about other women, especially as constant and detailed as you describe, are simply way, way beyond anything normal in front of a spouse. He sounds childish and show-off-ish.

Oh, and the real reason for serious counseling? He said this crap in front of your CHILD. That's modeling horrible things--it models the idea of seeing women just as physical objects to judge and talk over while salivating. Whether you have a boy or a girl, either will take away terrible messages from that. No matter how much dad might later say, "I was joking" or "It's fine to think people are beautiful" etc.

Your DH sounds as if he does not love you enough, or in a mature enough way, to take account of your feelings or to be supportive of your trying to get healthy physically. He sounds like a man I would suspect might ditch the marriage if times get tough, or if you get ill, or if you don't always look just as he expects you should look. Please get professional help. See a counselor or therapist by yourself if he won't see one. And if he won't see one, especially after you say you are having serious problems with what he thinks is nothing at all? Well, he's telling you he doesn't value you as a person he loves, only as a certain "look" he married.

And expect him to say you're "overreacting" and "being too sensitive" etc. Those are the go-to responses. Be ready for them. You have a right to be respected and he's showing you no respect. Do not defend the exercise and please please please do NOT do the passive-aggressive crap of saying "Well, my boyfriend likes me as I am" or making comments about other mens' looks to get back at him. Those things will NOT affect him and will only lower you to his level.