How to deal with no attention from husband (from the derailer of rekindling the romance thread)

[Anonymous]

I do not want to keep derailing the lovely rekindling the romance thread, so as someone suggested I will start my own.

I was asked in the other thread if my DH was already comparing me to other women when we were dating. Not to the point he is doing it now. In the beginning definitely no, he actually acted like I was a God's gift to him, completely smitten by me. Over time he would occasionally comment on another woman being "hot" or check out other women on the beach quite obviously right in front of me. He would still show plenty of interest in me though, so it did not concern me. Now, if I would not initiate we would not have sex at all (and we are slowly heading there as I dont want to feel like I am begging for it) but he keeps making remarks about other women. Just recently he made me super uncomfortable in a restaurant where we went for brunch right after going to the pool. And while I was wearing a whatever dress, no makeup and my hair was still wet, there was a bunch of mostly older people super dressed up for what looked like a wedding reception. He could not shut up about how great some of those women looked and how it was OK that a few obviously had some work on their boobs and face done and it did not detract from their attractiveness at all. We were joined by his single friend and so I think he somehow felt it was OK to make remarks such as "look at them, hanging out with this kind of women should be your retirement plan. They can still pull off those dresses really well. I wonder what that one is wearing under that dress full of holes. Does not look like much. And look at the bride, she looks like she will rock the world of the guy she is marrying tonight." He was completely oblivious to how those comments made me feel as well as to the fact that our DC was sitting with us at the table listening to all this crap.

I thought I was overreacting as I was boiling on the inside, though I did not say anything, but now having written it all down, it pisses me off even more. To an extent I am blaming myself though, as I decided to go for a body he does not appreciate. I love lifting weights and it shows. I am obviously muscular and lean and constantly get comments from random people about how fit I look. The only comment I get from my DH though is: "eww, look at those traps, I can't think of anything less attractive on a woman". And if you are starting to imagine some incredible Hulk, most of my clothes are size 2 or extra small. I am just lean so the muscle shows. I am really not sure on how to find a middle ground here. I am not going to give up an activity that literally keeps me sane because my husband thinks it is not very feminine to lift weights, but at the same time I would really like to hear from him every now and then that I am the hot one or that he is proud of being the husband of the fit mom at the pool. For context, I was not working out when we met. I was the slightly chubby party girl, but I started lifting well before we got married. He liked it at first because of the initial fat loss, but once the muscles showed up, he started feeling entitled to nasty remarks about my body (he once said the postman will not come because of being afraid of the bulldog living in our apartment..), even though objectively I became much fitter and healthier. There were some periods when I fell off the wagon and became a little chubby and he seemed to like that more than the fit version of myself, even though he would still make some offhand remarks, but now about the belly fat rolls or my expanding backside. I really do not know how to resolve this, as I sure as hell am not stopping to go to the gym and I am actually thinking of starting to powerlift competitively, which he will not take very well as that is pretty much as ungirly as it gets.

I feel like my husband really does not get me or appreciate me and his constant comments on other women really upset me, but at the same time I feel that if I asked for divorce, which I have been definitely contemplating, he would twist it to say I left him and traded 50% of the time for more gym time. I would really like things to work and somehow rekindle the romance, but not at the cost of completely giving up what makes me happy outside of the relationship. So I really do not know what to do here and the resentment just keeps building up.

[Anonymous]

Darling could you provide a TL;DR?

[Anonymous]

Start commenting on the men in the restaurant, especially the hot ones. See how he likes it.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but he sounds like a jerk. Don’t stop lifting weights. It is really good for your health. Make sure you are doing cardio too. I would have a serious talk with him about how demeaning and corrosive his behavior is. Tell him you will file for divorce if he cannot be nicer and more respectful. And then follow through if he doesn’t change his behavior. I’m sorry you are going through this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start commenting on the men in the restaurant, especially the hot ones. See how he likes it.

OP here. When I get really annoyed I mention the guys who I ask to spot me at the gym. It obviously makes him uncomfortable, but it does not quite help improve our relationship dynamics, which is what I would ultimately like to accomplish.

[Anonymous]

Get some counseling to explore why you put up with this rude, disrespectful crap for more than ten seconds. Start with you and what you want for yourself. Being treated like this can’t be it.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a complete toolbox. He’s crass in public in front of your child, which means he’s even more crass when you’re not around. I’m so sorry you are married to That Guy who everyone talks about as an immature creep. Commenting on the bride and grooms wedding night? Is he ten? Disgusting. Forget attention from this man, divorce him and get attention from someone worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

He sounds emotionally abusive. I’m reallly sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

He sounds pretty terrible. The comments about other women in front of you, and the negative comments about you are completely inappropriate and just mean. I also wonder about you having to initiate always. Do you think he is having or would have an affair? What does he bring to the table in terms of your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Why is your self esteem so low that you are staying with him? Will never understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds pretty terrible. The comments about other women in front of you, and the negative comments about you are completely inappropriate and just mean. I also wonder about you having to initiate always. Do you think he is having or would have an affair? What does he bring to the table in terms of your marriage?

I am absolutely sure he does not have an affair. Whether he would have one, idk. He is very traditional and puts a lot of value on family. He is very negative about men who cheat, but if the other woman is hot he never fails to mention it as if it was some sort of special achievement for the cheater to score her. On the initiating, it was not always this way. It used to be him primarily, but things changed during the pandemic. I again got really serious about my fitness, which puts him off plus I suspect he is also just constantly tired. Our kid does not sleep properly and comes to our bed in the middle of the night every single night which is very disruptive. DH also works out early in the morning and that combo leads to him being constantly tired. So he does not look for sex in the evening because he wants to go to bed early and in the morning he either works out or our DC is in bed with us. But as we both telework and DC is in school or camp there would be in theory plenty of options during the day. Instead we kinda avoid each other most of the day. I would say we are pretty dysfunctional on many levels and our communication is awful. He agrees with that, but when I propose that we do something alone without DC, he acts like I want something absolutely crazy from him. Why would I ever omit our child from anything. We literally did not have a date night since our early elementary DC was born and I really struggle with that as the adult connection is super important for me. In terms of what he brings to the table, he is a great dad and my DC absolutely adores him and that is really the main thing that prevents me from moving on even though I am deeply unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Sympathize with your problems.

I have an unparalleled comeback to any comments even remotely critical of my appearance coming from my husband.

"Well the boyfriend doesn't care."

[Anonymous]

He doesn't love you. Why you put up with this is a mystery.

[Anonymous]

OP, just keep lifting, OK? Do that for yourself.

I don't have advice about the rest. I'm in a complex relationship like that too, and still trying to sort it all out. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just keep lifting, OK? Do that for yourself.

I don't have advice about the rest. I'm in a complex relationship like that too, and still trying to sort it all out. Sending hugs.

Oh no, I am definitely not stopping. It is just too important for me.
Sending some hugs back. I hope you will manage to figure out your relationship.