Reply to How to deal with no attention from husband (from the derailer of rekindling the romance thread)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]i'm a guy and can tell you most men do not find muscular women attractive
your DH fell in love and married you when you were transitioning from a bit of a chubster to muscular so at the time you probably looked nice .. average to slim? 
over the years you have built up muscles
he has a right not to feel physical attraction to that
you have a right to continue your muscle build up

both of you should probably break up/divorce and find happiness ... no harm in that[/quote]

OP here. I am far from looking like a bodybuilder and in regular clothes I just look thin. You can see the pump right after I worked out but as I said I am no Incredible Hulk. I just look fit and keep getting compliments from both men and women. The fact that this is not my husband’s preference does not give him the right to be an ass about it. I was also hoping that he married me for more than my looks and I don’t see how me starting to look a bit different should be grounds for divorce. Would you be ok if I came here to complain my husband is getting bald, has less muscle and a bigger belly than when I married him so I am thinking of divorce because, as most women, I prefer men to have hair and be really fit? He changed too and I am not giving him sh*t for that. I thought marriage was supposed to be also about being able to grow together and supporting each other in the journeys we choose and particularly if the choices are toward the better. There are countless benefits from women lifting weights, both mental and physical, and it is really frustrating to me that the person closest to me is not willing to focus on those and appreciate that I am feeling much better about myself than when I was the chubster he met. [/quote]

New poster. OP, I'm sorry your husband is immature. I'm also rather sorry you responded to that poster above because he only wanted to irk and upset you. The whole "he has a right not to feel attraction to that" is cover for really saying "You must be ugly, divorce!" Ignore.

You can't ignore your husband, though. From what you describe, I would say it is time to simply stop trying to talk to him etc. and tell him that you have made an appointment to start marriage counseling with a strong, strong focus on improving communication (for both of you, not just him-- you need to be more assertive) and on understanding each others' feelings. That last one? Yeah, I mean HE needs to treat YOU like you matter. The comments about other women, especially as constant and detailed as you describe, are simply way, way beyond anything normal in front of a spouse. He sounds childish and show-off-ish.

Oh, and the real reason for serious counseling? [i]He said this crap in front of your CHILD.[/i] That's modeling horrible things--it models the idea of seeing women just as physical objects to judge and talk over while salivating. Whether you have a boy or a girl, either will take away terrible messages from that. No  matter how much dad might later say, "I was joking" or "It's fine to think people are beautiful" etc.

Your DH sounds as if he does not love you enough, or in a mature enough way, to take account of your feelings or to be supportive of your trying to get healthy physically. He sounds like a man I would suspect might ditch the marriage if times get tough, or if you get ill, or if you don't always look just as he expects you should look. Please get professional help. See a counselor or therapist by yourself if he won't see one. And if he won't see one, especially after you say you are having serious problems with what he thinks is nothing at all? Well, he's telling you he doesn't value you as a person he loves, only as a certain "look" he married.

And expect him to say you're "overreacting" and "being too sensitive" etc. Those are the go-to responses. Be ready for them. You have a right to be respected and he's showing you no respect. Do not defend the exercise and please please please do NOT do the passive-aggressive crap of saying "Well, my boyfriend likes me as I am" or making comments about other mens' looks to get back at him. Those things will NOT affect him and will only lower you to his level. [/quote]

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