*tw child loss*: what to say to someone who lost a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hi there; I have been thinking of you all so much. How are you?

PP who lost a child. "How are you?" is a minefield. How do you think I am? How can I possibly answer that question? I'm shattered, but I am not going to say that. So, I stand there and fight tears while I desperately try and figure out a polite answer.

If you're going to make me cry in the grocery store, do it by saying his name. Or stop after "I've been thinking about you." if you have a relationship. Or "Hello" if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hi there; I have been thinking of you all so much. How are you?

PP who lost a child. "How are you?" is a minefield. How do you think I am? How can I possibly answer that question? I'm shattered, but I am not going to say that. So, I stand there and fight tears while I desperately try and figure out a polite answer.

If you're going to make me cry in the grocery store, do it by saying his name. Or stop after "I've been thinking about you." if you have a relationship. Or "Hello" if you don't.

Thank you so much PP.

I’m envisioning running into them at a playground, or really anywhere where we might be stuck small talking. If you can’t tell, I find myself with my foot in my mouth often saying the wrong thing! :-/ I envision rounding the cart and they’re standing there. “Hello” and move on seems too short even though we are just acquaintances, but gosh I don’t want to make them cry! But I also don’t want to make light of this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hi there; I have been thinking of you all so much. How are you?

PP who lost a child. "How are you?" is a minefield. How do you think I am? How can I possibly answer that question? I'm shattered, but I am not going to say that. So, I stand there and fight tears while I desperately try and figure out a polite answer.

If you're going to make me cry in the grocery store, do it by saying his name. Or stop after "I've been thinking about you." if you have a relationship. Or "Hello" if you don't.

Thank you so much PP.

I’m envisioning running into them at a playground, or really anywhere where we might be stuck small talking. If you can’t tell, I find myself with my foot in my mouth often saying the wrong thing! :-/ I envision rounding the cart and they’re standing there. “Hello” and move on seems too short even though we are just acquaintances, but gosh I don’t want to make them cry! But I also don’t want to make light of this!

I guess I am unclear about your relationship with these people.

What interactions did you have before this loss? Did you often get "stuck" small talking?

Knowing that would help me guide you.

PP (who lost a child)

[Anonymous]

Another mom who has lost a chipd. I think saying hello, acknowledging the loss, saying ‘Im so sorry’ is enough. Asking how they are is not necessary and I think more often than not unhelpful in an unintended way as way too often I fekt compelled to answer in a positive manner because so often that was easier for others as they just wanted everything to be tidy and in control - not the raw pain I was mostly at the edge of.

To this day I have very strong memories of those who saw me - and I am not exaggerating - ran away rather than talk lto me.

[Anonymous]

Another mom who has lost a child here.

Please don’t say “How are you?” That is literally the worst. Just say “I was so, so sorry to hear of your loss” or “I was so sorry to hear of Larla’s passing” but then gently move on to a new topic unless the mom starts to talk further about her child.

[Anonymous]

To the PPs who have lost a child, I’m sorry and thank you so much for sharing your insights. It is a kindness.

[Anonymous]

My sibling died and my parents could not handle it when casual acquaintances tried to bring up the loss, especially when they ran into those people unexpectedly. They would be trying to maintain control over their emotions when in the grocery store or wherever, and though folks meant well they felt ambushed. They also found it extremely upsetting when people tried to share memories of my sister unprompted or say her name. There is great variability to how a loss like this is handled. I would just say a friendly hello and that you’ve been thinking of them, and let them take the lead. You sound like you are kind of overthinking all of this. Don’t treat them differently or feel compelled to do much of anything when you see them.

Did you send a card or reach out when the child died? If not I think it would be even odder to launch into any kind of conversation related to the death.

[Anonymous]

As PP noted, many people turn and run or think they always have to look mournful and sad around parents who've lost a child.

This trip to the grocery store may be the first normal thing they've done in awhile -- and they may not want you to bring their child's death into it. Particularly since you hardly know them.

Perhaps your best approach is simply to acknowledge them warmly, with a smile and a simple hello. I expect they'll return the hello and move on.

[Anonymous]

I'm the first PP here who lost a child.

It would be helpful if OP came back and clarified the relationship. How often did you interact before the loss?

[Anonymous]

"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

[Anonymous]

My sibling died. I think if you did not have a meaningful relationship with these people in the past then you should greet them warmly and precisely as you would have greeted them before.

My mom often talks about how she felt branded with a scarlet letter and could not feel like herself because the spectre of my brother hung over every interaction.

If you end up in a situation where you have been talking longer than a standard small talk interaction, at a playground perhaps, and there is a lull in the conversation, then perhaps finding a way to speak the child's name would be appropriate. And you should be prepared to quickly divert from that if she seems unreceptive. For example:

You: Oh Hi Mary, it is so nice to see you
Her: Yes nice to see you too how have you been?
Y: We've been great, this weather has been something huh?
H: Yes for sure, sad about that game being rained out last week
Y: Yes Tommy was excited to play it was a bummer
<natural silence>
Y: I wanted to say that we all miss Sally very much and I have been thinking of your family every day
<she seems to struggle to respond>
Y: Oh hey Larla get down from that ladder! Have you been watching Love Island? That is such a trash show but I am addicted

In that scenario you have given them an out while still acknowledging it.

Try to interact in a way that allows them to choose what type of interaction it will be. But if you're passing each other in front of frozen pizzas, just smile, say hello, and ask about something neutral. Show you are not afraid of them, but do not drop a bomb of grief on them to create a permanent negative association with DiGiorno. They are trying to do something normal, help it be normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

Oh God, anything but this.

-- PP who lost a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

No, they are not doing "okay," whatever that is supposed to mean...

OP, I would just say a hello, not in a cheerful way, just a patient and kind hello, and see what the person says and does. Create space for an interaction but don't expect one. Perhaps they just want to say hello but are unable to carry on any longer conversation at that time. Just pay attention and take their lead--be there to listen (to whatever they do or don't say) and let them lead.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Yes, I am overthinking this, as I do most things.

I appreciate every response. Thank you.

I do not know these people, but the town is small and we attend the same church so they might recognize me, which is why I do not think I can ignore them...or turn my cart or run away, etc. I have chatted with the mom only over FB messenger about kid stuff.

It sounds like the best course of action for a run in would be to smile and nod or say hello. A longer interaction, such as at the playground, might involve a few more words.

But it sounds like a quick interaction or literal run in involves a "hello" and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

I've dealt with this. People vary, so there's no single right answer but there are a couple of wrong ones and principles to rely on here.

Definitely do not avoid them and run away.

Definitely try not to ask "how are you doing?"

In fact, don't say anything that presumes anything about how they are doing. "I can only imagine what you're going through," makes them think, "no, you can't." "I hope you're doing ok," makes them think, "why the F would I be doing okay?" And anything faux-comforting, especially with a religious angle, will usually fall flat. An "at least he is with god now" kind of thing is just...not good.

But in my experience, don't worry that you're somehow "bringing it up." Believe me, they're already thinking about their child, every minute, every day. It's not like they were having a rosy day until you offered condolences. And ignoring it with "normal" small talk only emphasizes it if it's such a recent loss.

So where does that leave you? Offer your sorrows and condolences, and leave it at that. If I ran into these people in the grocery store, the way you've described your relationship to them, I'd say, "Jill, I am SO sorry for your loss. Johnny was such a beautiful, special kid, and you have our condolences." If they talk, then talk. If they say thank you and quietly look down, then take your leave and say you'll be thinking of them.