*tw child loss*: what to say to someone who lost a child?

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to say anything. Just be present in your body. Be warm and smile. If you’re close enough that it’s appropriate to hug, then hug. Just see them. Nod. Wave. Smile. Act like a golden retriever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Yes, I am overthinking this, as I do most things.

I appreciate every response. Thank you.

I do not know these people, but the town is small and we attend the same church so they might recognize me, which is why I do not think I can ignore them...or turn my cart or run away, etc. I have chatted with the mom only over FB messenger about kid stuff.

It sounds like the best course of action for a run in would be to smile and nod or say hello. A longer interaction, such as at the playground, might involve a few more words.

But it sounds like a quick interaction or literal run in involves a "hello" and nothing more.

Parent who lost a child here.

I think that's fine. I think that you don't want to ask them how they were, or put pressure on them to talk about their kid. I also don't really like comments that imply that you're talking about, or speculating about my kid when I'm not there. The "just to reassure you, everyone loved Janie" comment above would have been really painful, both the with the implication that this was up for speculation, but also the idea that people were talking about my kid behind my back. So, don't say that.

I don't think you need to say anything beyond hello, but we recently had a situation where my kid was in summer camp with the child of someone my DH grew up with but hasn't seen since the pandemic and my son's death. The parent walked over to me at pick up, introduced himself, and told me that he was so sorry to have heard about my son, and that he and his wife had been praying for us (this person shares our religion, so this was appropriate, I would not suggest referencing prayer if one isn't 100% sure). And then quickly transitioned into small talk related to the summer camp. It was well done, and appreciated. In your shoes, I think "Hi Jane, I don't now if you remember me, but I'm Mary from St. Peter's. I wanted to say that I heard about Sarah and I am so sorry. I've been praying for you. " would work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

Oh God, anything but this.

-- PP who lost a child.

Oh god, yes this. I so appreciated the sentiment when i lost my baby some 12 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

Oh God, anything but this.

-- PP who lost a child.

Oh god, yes this. I so appreciated the sentiment when i lost my baby some 12 years ago.

You appreciated a stranger, who had never interacted with your child, telling you that they had polled people to find out if your child was loved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

Oh God, anything but this.

-- PP who lost a child.

Oh god, yes this. I so appreciated the sentiment when i lost my baby some 12 years ago.

You appreciated a stranger, who had never interacted with your child, telling you that they had polled people to find out if your child was loved?

DP. If you have lost a child pp, I am surprised that you would speak with such vitriol towards another expressing what was helpful to them during their loss. Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

Oh God, anything but this.

-- PP who lost a child.

Oh god, yes this. I so appreciated the sentiment when i lost my baby some 12 years ago.

You appreciated a stranger, who had never interacted with your child, telling you that they had polled people to find out if your child was loved?

DP. If you have lost a child pp, I am surprised that you would speak with such vitriol towards another expressing what was helpful to them during their loss. Everyone is different.

Another DP. I didn't read it as vitriol, but as surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I hope you are doing okay -- I know it's a day at a time thing. I just want to reassure you that everyone who knew Janie loved her. I'll run in to you again soon... bye bye. "

Oh God, anything but this.

-- PP who lost a child.

Oh god, yes this. I so appreciated the sentiment when i lost my baby some 12 years ago.

You appreciated a stranger, who had never interacted with your child, telling you that they had polled people to find out if your child was loved?

DP. If you have lost a child pp, I am surprised that you would speak with such vitriol towards another expressing what was helpful to them during their loss. Everyone is different.

Another DP. I didn't read it as vitriol, but as surprise.

Perhaps not vitriol, but there was certainly a strong tone of judgement IMO