Emotionally stunted mother

[Anonymous]

She’s stoic and cold because as the child of an alcoholic, she has learned to hide difficult things and difficult emotions in order to stay safe.

While yes, your illness is about you, it may also made her feel sad or scared FOR you, and she doesn’t know how to process those feelings with you, if at all. She may feel irrationally that by you asking about her medical history, that you are implying it’s her fault - and even if you don’t feel that way, she likely does to some degree, because CoAs often internalize things and feel guilty /take the blame, even if there is no blame.

So yes, she’s “stunted”, because all the behaviours that allowed her to live under the roof she had to live under, and to achieve some semblance of feeling loved are now maladaptive and no longer serving her survival.

I’m sorry you’re ill OP, it must be a very scary time. This doesn’t mean that your mother doesn’t love you - in fact, she loves you very much. But, she is likely trapped in a lot of fear that she’s never been able to deal with, and unfortunately, those stoic, stony silences are the only way she can get through without feeling like she’s crazy or overwhelmed.m

[Anonymous]

My mom is the opposite, but it can be just as challenging. I have learned that she is also not my person. It's a little depressing because I have seen friends go through medical issues and have such supportive and awesome moms, whereas I have to keep mine at a distance when it comes ot health issues.

What helped me was accepting that this stems from her own psychological issues. She has a need for control because of a childhood trauma (car accident killed her sister in front of her) and part of how she thinks she can have control over difficult situations is by being overbearing. Once I accepted it was a mental health issue and all that, I had more sympathy. Not that I don't find it sad that I can't have her be what I need her to be, but it helps with the anger.

[Anonymous]

OP and others with this issue: read this book. It changed my life.

https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

I have never felt more seen and understood by anyone than I did by the author of this book, who I have never met, upon reading the first full chapter of this book. She basically explained my childhood and my relationship with my parents and siblings now, and offers very useful perspective on managing when this is your life.

And like many of you, my parents are like this because of their own childhood traumas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was diagnosed with brain tumors I called my mother to say "They found two and there might be more"

her response

"Two? There are two?"

that was literally it. Useless.

Dh had a very similar experience. Reaching out to tell his dad and looking for comfort. He ended up in tears. I had not seen him cry before that so I knew it was a bad heart ache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What stunted here is that you know your mother and who she is, yet you continue to hope for a different response.

“It still disappoints me.”

Instead of focusing on your mother’s emotional inadequacies, why not focus on why you keep expecting something from someone who is incapable of giving it to you. What are you working on with YOUR therapist? Why do you need to rehash this here?

Until you take that head on, you’ll be stuck in a loop like your mother.

This is so right. I’ve kept repeating this to myself my adult years with my parents. Accept them for who they are and where they are.
It did bring me peace. Until the next time and I repeat it again….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What stunted here is that you know your mother and who she is, yet you continue to hope for a different response.

“It still disappoints me.”

Instead of focusing on your mother’s emotional inadequacies, why not focus on why you keep expecting something from someone who is incapable of giving it to you. What are you working on with YOUR therapist? Why do you need to rehash this here?

Until you take that head on, you’ll be stuck in a loop like your mother.

This is so right. I’ve kept repeating this to myself my adult years with my parents. Accept them for who they are and where they are.
It did bring me peace. Until the next time and I repeat it again….

Another person agreeing. OP I so relate. I still sometimes obsess and wish things were different, but therapy helped me accept my mother as limited, narcissistic and somewhat borderline. It helped me have a relationship with major boundaries and have consequences every time she stomps on them and tantrums. That said, "it still disappoints me" too. it just doesn't derail me the way it used to. My expectations are so very low for her and every now and then she actually behaves like a decent human-rare, but it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my mom about a serious (but not life threatening) medical diagnosis I received. I never would have talked to her about it but I needed to find out more details regarding her medical history.

Not once did she say, "sorry," or "that sounds hard," or anything comforting. All she said was, "well, I don't think I can help you" - meaning, her medical history doesn't help me. Then, total silence. Just silence. No follow up questions. Nothing.

This is predictable behavior for her, and yet it still disappoints me.

What is going on in people's minds when they act that way? She's so stoic and cold. Like, is she thinking or feeling at all, and just can't express it? Or is she just totally empty inside?

As a bit of background, she grew up with an alcoholic father and a manic depressive mother who was in and out of the psychiatric ward in the 1950s (something she didn't share with me until I was in my 30s), and she's never once seen a therapist, so god knows she has her own issues.

My mom lived through war and rape, and was 1 of 10 siblings. She never got what she needed. But the end of the cycle of trauma ends with me. I was not nurtured, but I will and do get therapy and you better damn well believe that I will shower my children with nurturing and love. I didn't even realize how badly my mom impacted me until I became a parent

[Anonymous]

I don't think your mom is emotionally stunted. She doesn't sound like she likes to create drama. I would much prefer my mom to be like her.

[Anonymous]

I hope all of you with emotionally stunted parents grow up into fabulous understanding parents and great spouses. You must break this cycle and give your children lots of love and validation so they grow into functional and loving adults.

Do not perpetuate this kind of crap on the next generation. You all are adults so get over whatever was done wrong to you and learn through therapy what you should do to parent correctly and move forward in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope all of you with emotionally stunted parents grow up into fabulous understanding parents and great spouses. You must break this cycle and give your children lots of love and validation so they grow into functional and loving adults.

Do not perpetuate this kind of crap on the next generation. You all are adults so get over whatever was done wrong to you and learn through therapy what you should do to parent correctly and move forward in your life.

NP here: Thank you! This thread helped me - almost all posts sincere and helpful. I struggle with so much that many of you talk about - just accepting mothers as they are. Not going back to a dry well. Longing for a loving and caring mother (especially after becoming a mother myself) but trying to stave off disappointment and exhaustion from that, turning to therapy, and determined efforts with my husband and I to provide very open, loving, connecting, stable and secure childhoods for our children.

My children are biracial (I'm white, husband's black), and the pain from my parents not accepting them as who they are has been the most painful experience in my life. I have had to accept that my parents are who they are; no more pretending they are different than the words they say, no longer expecting them to really care about us. It's not easy realizing your parents can't really be there, and then just accepting that and moving on. I think once I get to the point where I stop thinking there's a solution somehow is the time I'll be free from the hurt of my own emotionally stunted mother.

[Anonymous]

When my child was diagnosed with autism, my mother, a very respected educator, beloved by many of her students, told me 'well it sure didn't come from us'. No questions or suggestions on therapies, preschools, nothing. I have really cut down on our communication after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope all of you with emotionally stunted parents grow up into fabulous understanding parents and great spouses. You must break this cycle and give your children lots of love and validation so they grow into functional and loving adults.

Do not perpetuate this kind of crap on the next generation. You all are adults so get over whatever was done wrong to you and learn through therapy what you should do to parent correctly and move forward in your life.

NP here: Thank you! This thread helped me - almost all posts sincere and helpful. I struggle with so much that many of you talk about - just accepting mothers as they are. Not going back to a dry well. Longing for a loving and caring mother (especially after becoming a mother myself) but trying to stave off disappointment and exhaustion from that, turning to therapy, and determined efforts with my husband and I to provide very open, loving, connecting, stable and secure childhoods for our children.

My children are biracial (I'm white, husband's black), and the pain from my parents not accepting them as who they are has been the most painful experience in my life. I have had to accept that my parents are who they are; no more pretending they are different than the words they say, no longer expecting them to really care about us. It's not easy realizing your parents can't really be there, and then just accepting that and moving on. I think once I get to the point where I stop thinking there's a solution somehow is the time I'll be free from the hurt of my own emotionally stunted mother.

I hope you find that freedom, and I’m sorry you have to go through this.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom? My mom is in her mid 70s and has a hard time being present most of the time these days. It could be age-related.

[Anonymous]

There was a very beautiful and thoughtful post on this site about us not getting the mother we deserve. And it hurts, it is ok.

My mother (that I cut off 15 years ago) still torments me in my dreams. She is batsh!t crazy. I had a life threatening illness and she made jokes about me dying and how no one reached out to sibling that was out of state. How sad THAT was. I was like....am I suppose to call him while in icu?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What stunted here is that you know your mother and who she is, yet you continue to hope for a different response.

“It still disappoints me.”

Instead of focusing on your mother’s emotional inadequacies, why not focus on why you keep expecting something from someone who is incapable of giving it to you. What are you working on with YOUR therapist? Why do you need to rehash this here?

Until you take that head on, you’ll be stuck in a loop like your mother.

Not the OP but boy did I need to hear this from somebody today.