Emotionally stunted mother
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Anonymous
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I told my mom about a serious (but not life threatening) medical diagnosis I received. I never would have talked to her about it but I needed to find out more details regarding her medical history.
Not once did she say, "sorry," or "that sounds hard," or anything comforting. All she said was, "well, I don't think I can help you" - meaning, her medical history doesn't help me. Then, total silence. Just silence. No follow up questions. Nothing. This is predictable behavior for her, and yet it still disappoints me. What is going on in people's minds when they act that way? She's so stoic and cold. Like, is she thinking or feeling at all, and just can't express it? Or is she just totally empty inside? As a bit of background, she grew up with an alcoholic father and a manic depressive mother who was in and out of the psychiatric ward in the 1950s (something she didn't share with me until I was in my 30s), and she's never once seen a therapist, so god knows she has her own issues. |
Anonymous
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I had HELLP with my firstborn child, and he had to be born early and spend time in the NICU and I almost died. When my mom learned of the story she said “well nobody on my side of the family has ever experienced ANYTHING like that so it didn’t come from me.” She later said to someone else that it obviously happened because I was an old (early 30s!) and overweight during the pregnancy.
I don’t talk to my mom anymore, for this and many other reasons. Your mom is not your person. Don’t tell her things. I confide only in my therapist and maybe one or two close friends. |
Anonymous
Almost laughed when i got to your last sentence. My mom is like this, and bingo, she had two alcoholic parents. Simply cannot deal with other people's problems or emotions. |
Anonymous
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What stunted here is that you know your mother and who she is, yet you continue to hope for a different response.
“It still disappoints me.” Instead of focusing on your mother’s emotional inadequacies, why not focus on why you keep expecting something from someone who is incapable of giving it to you. What are you working on with YOUR therapist? Why do you need to rehash this here? Until you take that head on, you’ll be stuck in a loop like your mother. |
Anonymous
| Wow, PP. Kinda harsh. The mother wound can be deep, no matter how much you allow yourself to grieve it, no matter how much therapy. OP, it's okay and normal to be disappointed, and curious, about her lack of empathy. She's unlikely to change, so it becomes your work to explore how you want to come to terms with it. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Your mother never received nurturing so she doesn't know how to be nurturing to her own. It's okay to be disappointed. It's not logical in human nature. |
Anonymous
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When I was diagnosed with brain tumors I called my mother to say "They found two and there might be more"
her response "Two? There are two?" that was literally it. Useless. |
Anonymous
This. Exactly like my mom as well. Who then went on to fuss at me the rest of her life about how I wasn't nuturing enough to her. If she hasn't received mental health help but now OP, she probably won't ever change. Best to get help to accept and move on. I'm still processing lots of emotions I was never allowed to feel. |
Anonymous
| I am sorry OP. I have a mother like this too. |
Anonymous
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OP, it sounds like your mom had a very tough childhood, with long-lasting results. It sounds like she has anxiety or depression herself, which may lead her to go into self-protection mode. She likely doesn't feel capable of taking on your "emotional burden," even to give sympathy and support, because she can't take good care of herself.
I'm sorry, because many of us have moms we can rely on for this sort of thing. But you said it yourself: this sort of behavior is typical for YOUR mom. So what you must do is rely on other friends and family for support. I wish it were different for you. I bet your mom even wishes it were different from you. But people can't give what they don't have. Don't keep going back to a dry well, expecting water. Accept and love and appreciate what you can about her, then move on. |
Anonymous
| I can relate OP and my mom had a verbally and emotionally abusive mom, though she was the golden child. I have learned to accept my mom is very limited. Her lack of empathy of occasional fake empathy are the least of my problems. Her rage fits annoy the shit out of me and it's exhausting setting boundaries with her. |
Anonymous
| If I call my mom with problem, convo ends with how shameful my life is. Some mother's just are not well. Have nothing to offer |
Anonymous
This. She can't give what she doesn't even know exists. She had a hard life, had to make do with what she got and instead of improving the next generation she is stuck in survival. Minimizing, not acknowledging, not engaging, appearing not to care- it's not about you. Sorry you and some previous PPs have this- all you can do is NOT do this with your kids. She is a lost cause. |
Anonymous
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I’m sorry OP, you could be describing my mother. She’s just as emotionally stunted. When she came to visit me at the hospital after I had an emergency c-section, and I told her I wasn’t getting enough pain meds, she said “don’t complain to the nurses, they’re busy and you don’t want them to get mad at you.” 🙄
I just don’t share much with her. It’s the only way to protect myself. It makes me sad to see how others have supportive moms they can confide in. My mother is just not a safe person for me to confide in. The fewer expectations I have from her the less hurt I have when her reaction isn’t why I expected. |
Anonymous
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My mom is the same way. I’m sorry you have a mom like that.
Someone here suggested a book on emotionally immature parents. If you read about the topic, you may find some useful strategies and feel better. |