Emotionally stunted mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s stoic and cold because as the child of an alcoholic, she has learned to hide difficult things and difficult emotions in order to stay safe.

While yes, your illness is about you, it may also made her feel sad or scared FOR you, and she doesn’t know how to process those feelings with you, if at all. She may feel irrationally that by you asking about her medical history, that you are implying it’s her fault - and even if you don’t feel that way, she likely does to some degree, because CoAs often internalize things and feel guilty /take the blame, even if there is no blame.

So yes, she’s “stunted”, because all the behaviours that allowed her to live under the roof she had to live under, and to achieve some semblance of feeling loved are now maladaptive and no longer serving her survival.

I’m sorry you’re ill OP, it must be a very scary time. This doesn’t mean that your mother doesn’t love you - in fact, she loves you very much. But, she is likely trapped in a lot of fear that she’s never been able to deal with, and unfortunately, those stoic, stony silences are the only way she can get through without feeling like she’s crazy or overwhelmed.m

I think the generic word for this is egocentric. Really fragile people with histories of great deprivation (and no treatment) are so deeply insecure and lacking in core ego strengths that virtually anything can be perceived as a threat and they immediately and unconsciously defend. They are not functioning at a higher level of maturity, whete you see openness to experience, curiosity, empathy, an understanding that people are different, a sense of being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes, flexibility, emotional sensitivity and depth. They are largely at an earlier level where there is more paranoia, and a preoccupation with survival basically. They live in a depriving inner world and they just don't have it to give and they often cannot share. It is very sad. It is not you. Build your own rich world, work on yourself and connect with people who get it. Grieve your mother's limitations of course...it is very tragic. But then focus on building connections with healthier people. And keep becoming healthier yourself.. you can do it. You are not your mom..Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Create a life where your mom is the outlier in terms of how she responds. As you work on yourself you can look to her less, and expect less and stop tormenting yourself. She is limited. It's very sad. Your challenge is to grow and heal yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother never received nurturing so she doesn't know how to be nurturing to her own. It's okay to be disappointed. It's not logical in human nature.

And maybe some compassion for your mom too? I realized one day how my mother’s parents had treated her and decided she was my sibling on this planet. She gave me the gift of education so educated myself on her generation and decided to love her more. Still hard just less so. Now my teen throws therapy bombs at me and we discuss and the beat goes on.

[Anonymous]

PP here and my mother died recently. i miss her so much but luckily we were simpatico when she died or I would be stuck in a loop wondering what if.

[Anonymous]

I’m so so sorry OP. My grandmother was exactly like this. She grew up with a lot of trauma and I think it made her emotionally cold and withdrawn.

I echo what some of the other posters have said : therapy and setting emotional boundaries with her should help you to heal from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my child was diagnosed with autism, my mother, a very respected educator, beloved by many of her students, told me 'well it sure didn't come from us'. No questions or suggestions on therapies, preschools, nothing. I have really cut down on our communication after that.

I’m so sorry you experienced this.
I also received similar responses from my mom when my newborn son had some health difficulties and she blamed them on me having PPD. She said my negative ‘feelings’ made him feel unwanted so he got sick. I started to realize that she views all health issues as the end of the world and becomes very judgmental and overbearing. I remember once when I was in 1st grade, I had a UTI and the doctor found blood in my urine. I was in pain and cried but my mom was so mad at ME! Like she thought I did something to cause my UTI? Ditto any other health issue that came up when I was a child. These days, I am very careful about sharing any health information about myself, DH and our kids.