S/o another finances & step parent Q

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not fair for you to expect him to contribute to your daughter's college education to the presumably harm of his own kids.

What IS fair is for you to calibrate your contribution to joint expenses based on your financial responsibility to your daughter. E.g., you shouldn't be pushed into spending more on your joint expenses when you have to save for your daughter and your own retirement. At a minimum, if you have no ownership of the house, I wouldn't expect you to invest in any of the repair/ownership costs unless you're going to get some equity.

Then she should pay rent. She can't expect to live there for free.

Why should she pay rent? She's presumably forgoing the opportunity to buy her own real estate by living at his house. I'm ok with her paying a share of their joint housing costs, but ONLY if she gets an equity interest.

THen, she should save that money for college.

OP here. This is what I’m doing but it’s not going to be enough to cover private tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not married but we’re in a very serious, committed relationship. It’s much more solid than my actual marriage was.

We’re planning to stay together the rest of our lives so, unlike the other OP, I do consider his kids family and vice versa.

A man is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

I doubt your D will hate you for life. In the other thread, the mom married someone new.

Doing this ended the D's chances of getting financial aid based solely on her mom's income. THAT'S what is so appalling. Mom did not think about or care about what the remarriage's impact would be on college fin aid.
Moreover, Mom only saved a total of $30,000 for her D's college education, despite the fact that for the last 5 years she hasn't had to pay rent and is employed herself.

Another odd thing was that though the stepfather won't pay college tuition, he gives the mom money for CLOTHES for the stepdaughter. It's as though their major concern is that she dress well enough to look acceptable to his friends and family.If he weren't paying for her clothes the discrepency between the way she is treated and the way her stepsiblings are treated would be evident to everyone.

If you're not married, the ballgame is totally different. Your D will be able to get fin aid. Moreover, while it's going well now, there is no way you can know that you two will still be together when your D goes to college. (The other girl is a senior in high school.) My advice would be to save any conversation about what, if anything, he might contribute to your D's college expenses until she is actually applying and you have seen how much aid she gets and the size of the loans she's looking at.

In the meantime, if your expenses are reduced because you are living with him, start socking away most of the extra money to pay for your D's college.

[Anonymous]

So what are you proposing???? OP, you are greedy and a horrible person to even ask this man to foot your DD's college bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what are you proposing???? OP, you are greedy and a horrible person to even ask this man to foot your DD's college bills.

+1

I am LOLing at this thread

She wanted everyone in here to tell her he should give her tens of thousands at the least

[Anonymous]

I am a stepchild, and one VERY critical of the other OP. IMO your situation is not comparable.

1) You are not married so the financial aid issue isn't a factor (and that is a HUGE factor over there, her DD is literally being punished for the marriage, its not even a neutral thing)

2) Your daughter is 15 and you're not even married yet. In the other post, they married when the daughter was 12/13 and I assume therefore the guy had been in the kid's life since she was 10. That is a LOT longer and from a much younger age and IMO translates to an expectation of a much more parental relationship.

3) Sounds like his kids are either in college or on their way, so there won't be a substantial period of time for these kids to feel like 'siblings' and then be treated extremely differently.

4) Sounds like you and your partner can discuss these things and isn't some verboten thing

It really isn't the same scenario. Those 5-6 years of difference are foundational years of a kid's development. And you aren't saddling her with an extreme financial consequence.

I would say to ensure that as you move forward that there are not extreme discrepancies at holidays/birthdays etc and that when you travel as a family everyone gets the same treatment. That is where your resentment could lie, not in stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not married but we’re in a very serious, committed relationship. It’s much more solid than my actual marriage was.

We’re planning to stay together the rest of our lives so, unlike the other OP, I do consider his kids family and vice versa.

You may be in a serious and committed relationship, but your separate finances speak otherwise.

Yeah I know some married people maintain separate finances, but in their case, they have the legal protection of the marriage.

You have nothing. Emotionally, you've heavily invested in this relationship. But legally, there's no protection for or obligation to you.

I do think you need to broach the subject with him though, to find out where he stands. Not with expectations, but to find out how you should plan for your child's future and go from there.

[Anonymous]

If you hadn't moved in together, would it even cross your mind that he should chip in for her college? Just moving into a house, especially for only 12 months, doesn't automatically give you any more rights than if you were still living apart.

[Anonymous]

Planning to stay together the rest of your lives. That may the plan but bet it was also the plan with your previous marriage. Most people don't get married thinking it's going to be temporary. Divorce statistics show their plan to be together the rest of their lives didn't work out so great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not married but we’re in a very serious, committed relationship. It’s much more solid than my actual marriage was.

We’re planning to stay together the rest of our lives so, unlike the other OP, I do consider his kids family and vice versa.

You may be in a serious and committed relationship, but your separate finances speak otherwise.

Yeah I know some married people maintain separate finances, but in their case, they have the legal protection of the marriage.

You have nothing. Emotionally, you've heavily invested in this relationship. But legally, there's no protection for or obligation to you.

I do think you need to broach the subject with him though, to find out where he stands. Not with expectations, but to find out how you should plan for your child's future and go from there.

Not to mention, what she's going to do for her own future (retirement and if he passes away). She has no entitlement to inherit from him, and they don't own any joint property.

[Anonymous]

You don’t. You and your ex are responsible for your daughter’s college. No everyone can afford private college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not married but we’re in a very serious, committed relationship. It’s much more solid than my actual marriage was.

We’re planning to stay together the rest of our lives so, unlike the other OP, I do consider his kids family and vice versa.

This feels really relevant to me. I’m certainly not saying that your partner should be EXPECTED to give money for your daughter’s education, but certainly it’s worth having a conversation with him about the different financial circumstances of your children and how you both want to handle and/or message that to all the kids - both yours and his. That might mean sharing the burden for all of the kids to have a similar educational opportunity, or it might mean having family conversations quite early about the resources available to each kids and alternative ways that the family can help support the less financed child.

Frankly, it seems like the think that that OP in the other thread did strangely was to marry someone when her daughter was 12 and never meaningfully incorporate her daughter into the new family. It feels needlessly cruel to a young child and might explain some of the way that daughter is currently behaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think not being married is more helpful to your daughter in this case, since his income won't be counted against her for aid.

But what about the fact that his kids are/will be better off financially? Reading the other post gave me the idea that the majority thinks this will cause my DD to hate me for life.

No she won’t. Those people on the other thread are NUTS!!!’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt your D will hate you for life. In the other thread, the mom married someone new.

Doing this ended the D's chances of getting financial aid based solely on her mom's income. THAT'S what is so appalling. Mom did not think about or care about what the remarriage's impact would be on college fin aid.
Moreover, Mom only saved a total of $30,000 for her D's college education, despite the fact that for the last 5 years she hasn't had to pay rent and is employed herself.

Another odd thing was that though the stepfather won't pay college tuition, he gives the mom money for CLOTHES for the stepdaughter. It's as though their major concern is that she dress well enough to look acceptable to his friends and family.If he weren't paying for her clothes the discrepency between the way she is treated and the way her stepsiblings are treated would be evident to everyone.

If you're not married, the ballgame is totally different. Your D will be able to get fin aid. Moreover, while it's going well now, there is no way you can know that you two will still be together when your D goes to college. (The other girl is a senior in high school.) My advice would be to save any conversation about what, if anything, he might contribute to your D's college expenses until she is actually applying and you have seen how much aid she gets and the size of the loans she's looking at.

In the meantime, if your expenses are reduced because you are living with him, start socking away most of the extra money to pay for your D's college.

You do not know What other expenses that mom has and then a few years from now you’ll be mad because the mom spent all her money on college tuition but didn’t save for retirement some of y’all are dumb as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think not being married is more helpful to your daughter in this case, since his income won't be counted against her for aid.

But what about the fact that his kids are/will be better off financially? Reading the other post gave me the idea that the majority thinks this will cause my DD to hate me for life.

no, this is different. OP of the threat clearly puts herself and her new husband ahead of her daughter. OP of that thread wants to make it seem like her daughter just can't take it when others have more stuff, however, it's a much more complicated than that.