S/o another finances & step parent Q

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like your daughter isn;t really any worse off than if you were single, right? it just may feel that way in that she is around people who have more than her. I think you are going to have to help her navigate that, but it will be a good lesson for her to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not married but we’re in a very serious, committed relationship. It’s much more solid than my actual marriage was.

We’re planning to stay together the rest of our lives so, unlike the other OP, I do consider his kids family and vice versa.

This feels really relevant to me. I’m certainly not saying that your partner should be EXPECTED to give money for your daughter’s education, but certainly it’s worth having a conversation with him about the different financial circumstances of your children and how you both want to handle and/or message that to all the kids - both yours and his. That might mean sharing the burden for all of the kids to have a similar educational opportunity, or it might mean having family conversations quite early about the resources available to each kids and alternative ways that the family can help support the less financed child.

Frankly, it seems like the think that that OP in the other thread did strangely was to marry someone when her daughter was 12 and never meaningfully incorporate her daughter into the new family. It feels needlessly cruel to a young child and might explain some of the way that daughter is currently behaving.

Sharing the burden for all of the kids??? The fact that OP’s boyfriend doesn’t want to marry and they keep separate finances speaks volumes about how he feels about providing for OP’s child. OP needs to rely on her ex to pay for her child’s care, not her boyfriend. And if OP wants to purchase real estate, she should buy it. She should also pay rent to her boyfriend. The best way to start chipping away at your relationship is for OP’s boyfriend to start feeling like an ATM.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Forgot to add, the title of this thread is incorrect. The boyfriend is not a step parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other post about this got me thinking about this as I have somewhat similar situation. We’re not quite there yet since as my DD is only 15 but college will be on our radar soon. Our situation is also a little different in that I’m not actually married to my partner. We moved in with him, into his house, at the beginning of the Pandemic and so far it has gone very well. We’re in a long term, committed relationship but he does not want to get married again and I respect that. We also keep our finances mostly separate. We have a checking account for house stuff like groceries but other than that, we don’t share other accounts.

The problem which is similar to the other post is our disparate earning potential. He has 3 older kids who he is, or will, put through college. He makes a lot more than me but is not very wealthy. Meaning, he could not just hand over 300-400k like it is no big deal and I would never ask him to. But the income difference is big enough so that his kids won’t need to take loans out and my daughter might, especially if she chooses a private school.

How would you approach this with your SO? Is it fair to bring up the difference between the kids, considering we are not married?

Fwiw, my ex has no money and will not be helpful in this regard.

Is it costing you more or or less for you to live with him verses when you and your daughter were living elsewhere? If it is costing you less, put that savings into her college fund. If it is costing you more, move back to your old place.

She may qualify for more need based aid with your income alone. What is the custody arrangement with her father?

Let her know that private school means lots of loans unless she gets a good merit scholarship. Where do you live (state)? Where does her father live (state)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not fair for you to expect him to contribute to your daughter's college education to the presumably harm of his own kids.

What IS fair is for you to calibrate your contribution to joint expenses based on your financial responsibility to your daughter. E.g., you shouldn't be pushed into spending more on your joint expenses when you have to save for your daughter and your own retirement. At a minimum, if you have no ownership of the house, I wouldn't expect you to invest in any of the repair/ownership costs unless you're going to get some equity.

Then she should pay rent. She can't expect to live there for free.

Why should she pay rent? She's presumably forgoing the opportunity to buy her own real estate by living at his house. I'm ok with her paying a share of their joint housing costs, but ONLY if she gets an equity interest.

Then, she should save that money for college.

OP here. This is what I’m doing but it’s not going to be enough to cover private tuition.

Don't worry about private tuition. Have her concentrate on schools that meet your budget. There are plenty out there. If she has the grades, she can get a merit based scholarship at a private that brings it close to in state. Have the conversation with her so she knows her options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Forgot to add, the title of this thread is incorrect. The boyfriend is not a step parent.

He kind of is, considering the daughter lives in his house with him.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you are roommates who are dating.

Would you ask any other roommate to foot your child's expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other post about this got me thinking about this as I have somewhat similar situation. We’re not quite there yet since as my DD is only 15 but college will be on our radar soon. Our situation is also a little different in that I’m not actually married to my partner. We moved in with him, into his house, at the beginning of the Pandemic and so far it has gone very well. We’re in a long term, committed relationship but he does not want to get married again and I respect that. We also keep our finances mostly separate. We have a checking account for house stuff like groceries but other than that, we don’t share other accounts.

The problem which is similar to the other post is our disparate earning potential. He has 3 older kids who he is, or will, put through college. He makes a lot more than me but is not very wealthy. Meaning, he could not just hand over 300-400k like it is no big deal and I would never ask him to. But the income difference is big enough so that his kids won’t need to take loans out and my daughter might, especially if she chooses a private school.

How would you approach this with your SO? Is it fair to bring up the difference between the kids, considering we are not married?

Fwiw, my ex has no money and will not be helpful in this regard.

You expect him to help pay for your daughter's college?

Uh, no.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you're WAY off in expecting him to pay for your kid. Did he ask you to help pay for his kids? If you want more money, go make more money. The world is your oyster. Just don't expect a boyfriend to subsidize your kid's college. That's wild.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is asking her BF to pay for her kid's college. I think she is trying to figure out how to apply the comments in that other thread, which is complicated, to her own situation.

Make sure the children are all treated fairly and there is not an obvious disparity in treatment.

College is a huge expense and it is the actual parent's primary responsibility. I would suggest OP not marry her BF before college without discussing college.

OP, what is your income? That is what will be looked to for your child's financial aid options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are not married but we’re in a very serious, committed relationship. It’s much more solid than my actual marriage was.

We’re planning to stay together the rest of our lives so, unlike the other OP, I do consider his kids family and vice versa.

A man is not a plan.

+1. You realize pretty much everyone who marries or enters into a serious relationship thinks for sure they’ll be together for life, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Forgot to add, the title of this thread is incorrect. The boyfriend is not a step parent.

He kind of is, considering the daughter lives in his house with him.

No:

1. They're not married. Long term or not, he's a boyfriend.

Now that could be possibly a gray area, except for:

2. She and daughter have only been living in - as mom refers to it - HIS house for a year. She never ever even gives the slightest impression that she considers it OUR house.

If daughter had been living with him since she was 8 or 9, with him in a parent role helping to raise her and he's acted as a surrogate father to her for years - possibly. But still not obligated.

[Anonymous]

How about asking your daughter's bio dad to step up instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Forgot to add, the title of this thread is incorrect. The boyfriend is not a step parent.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, your partner is not involved in money for college. You shouldn't discuss this. He shouldn't be asked, in any way, shape or form. You should shut down any of this thinking, by you, that he would help in any way.

Too bad there's a disparity. Too bad. He has his family. You have yours.