S/o another finances & step parent Q

[Anonymous]

The other post about this got me thinking about this as I have somewhat similar situation. We’re not quite there yet since as my DD is only 15 but college will be on our radar soon. Our situation is also a little different in that I’m not actually married to my partner. We moved in with him, into his house, at the beginning of the Pandemic and so far it has gone very well. We’re in a long term, committed relationship but he does not want to get married again and I respect that. We also keep our finances mostly separate. We have a checking account for house stuff like groceries but other than that, we don’t share other accounts.

The problem which is similar to the other post is our disparate earning potential. He has 3 older kids who he is, or will, put through college. He makes a lot more than me but is not very wealthy. Meaning, he could not just hand over 300-400k like it is no big deal and I would never ask him to. But the income difference is big enough so that his kids won’t need to take loans out and my daughter might, especially if she chooses a private school.

How would you approach this with your SO? Is it fair to bring up the difference between the kids, considering we are not married?

Fwiw, my ex has no money and will not be helpful in this regard.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not married, then he has no financial obligation to your daughter. Stop being so greedy!

[Anonymous]

I think not being married is more helpful to your daughter in this case, since his income won't be counted against her for aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think not being married is more helpful to your daughter in this case, since his income won't be counted against her for aid.

But what about the fact that his kids are/will be better off financially? Reading the other post gave me the idea that the majority thinks this will cause my DD to hate me for life.

[Anonymous]

No, it's not fair for you to expect him to contribute to your daughter's college education to the presumably harm of his own kids.

What IS fair is for you to calibrate your contribution to joint expenses based on your financial responsibility to your daughter. E.g., you shouldn't be pushed into spending more on your joint expenses when you have to save for your daughter and your own retirement. At a minimum, if you have no ownership of the house, I wouldn't expect you to invest in any of the repair/ownership costs unless you're going to get some equity.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you aren't married makes a huge difference.

I'm telling my kids that they're limited to a) in state, b) schools that meet full need or c) schools where they can get enough aid, or where out of state tuition is low enough to have tuition that's the same or less than a and b.

Then I'll work as hard as I can, and save as aggressively as I can to make sure that they can have those 3 options with minimal debt.

But the OP in the other thread isn't offering enough for a and c, and by marrying she's taken away the b option altogether as her kid will get no aid from those schools. Her kid's options are much more limited than your kid's will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not married, then he has no financial obligation to your daughter. Stop being so greedy!

This, and you've only been living together a year. He is not her step parent. He is your live in boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think not being married is more helpful to your daughter in this case, since his income won't be counted against her for aid.

But what about the fact that his kids are/will be better off financially? Reading the other post gave me the idea that the majority thinks this will cause my DD to hate me for life.

He is not your husband. He is not her stepfather. You need to grow up and pay for college or she takes out loans or gets financial aid. Are you offering to help pay for his kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not fair for you to expect him to contribute to your daughter's college education to the presumably harm of his own kids.

What IS fair is for you to calibrate your contribution to joint expenses based on your financial responsibility to your daughter. E.g., you shouldn't be pushed into spending more on your joint expenses when you have to save for your daughter and your own retirement. At a minimum, if you have no ownership of the house, I wouldn't expect you to invest in any of the repair/ownership costs unless you're going to get some equity.

Then she should pay rent. She can't expect to live there for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think not being married is more helpful to your daughter in this case, since his income won't be counted against her for aid.

But what about the fact that his kids are/will be better off financially? Reading the other post gave me the idea that the majority thinks this will cause my DD to hate me for life.

Some kids are better off than others. Such is life. The problem with the other scenario is that by marrying the wealthy guy, mom has essentially screwed up the kid's ability to get any need based financial aid, which can be significant. It does not apply in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not fair for you to expect him to contribute to your daughter's college education to the presumably harm of his own kids.

What IS fair is for you to calibrate your contribution to joint expenses based on your financial responsibility to your daughter. E.g., you shouldn't be pushed into spending more on your joint expenses when you have to save for your daughter and your own retirement. At a minimum, if you have no ownership of the house, I wouldn't expect you to invest in any of the repair/ownership costs unless you're going to get some equity.

Then she should pay rent. She can't expect to live there for free.

Why should she pay rent? She's presumably forgoing the opportunity to buy her own real estate by living at his house. I'm ok with her paying a share of their joint housing costs, but ONLY if she gets an equity interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think not being married is more helpful to your daughter in this case, since his income won't be counted against her for aid.

But what about the fact that his kids are/will be better off financially? Reading the other post gave me the idea that the majority thinks this will cause my DD to hate me for life.

That's because her mom being married to her stepdad will screw her over with most colleges when they apply for financial aid.

You aren't married. It's a different scenario.

Stop trying to justify getting your boyfriend to pay for your daughter. That is the responsibility of you and her biological father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not fair for you to expect him to contribute to your daughter's college education to the presumably harm of his own kids.

What IS fair is for you to calibrate your contribution to joint expenses based on your financial responsibility to your daughter. E.g., you shouldn't be pushed into spending more on your joint expenses when you have to save for your daughter and your own retirement. At a minimum, if you have no ownership of the house, I wouldn't expect you to invest in any of the repair/ownership costs unless you're going to get some equity.

Then she should pay rent. She can't expect to live there for free.

Why should she pay rent? She's presumably forgoing the opportunity to buy her own real estate by living at his house. I'm ok with her paying a share of their joint housing costs, but ONLY if she gets an equity interest.

THen, she should save that money for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not fair for you to expect him to contribute to your daughter's college education to the presumably harm of his own kids.

What IS fair is for you to calibrate your contribution to joint expenses based on your financial responsibility to your daughter. E.g., you shouldn't be pushed into spending more on your joint expenses when you have to save for your daughter and your own retirement. At a minimum, if you have no ownership of the house, I wouldn't expect you to invest in any of the repair/ownership costs unless you're going to get some equity.

Then she should pay rent. She can't expect to live there for free.

Why should she pay rent? She's presumably forgoing the opportunity to buy her own real estate by living at his house. I'm ok with her paying a share of their joint housing costs, but ONLY if she gets an equity interest.

Because it's not her house. Housing costs money. If she wants her own real estate, she should buy it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are not married but we’re in a very serious, committed relationship. It’s much more solid than my actual marriage was.

We’re planning to stay together the rest of our lives so, unlike the other OP, I do consider his kids family and vice versa.