What is sex like with your spouse after an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were still having sex regularly and she often initiated. Looking back, she did get more interested in doing other things and became more vocal, fun in bed. Once I found out about the affair (not her first) we separated.[b]

Ouch. Sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were still having sex regularly and she often initiated. Looking back, she did get more interested in doing other things and became more vocal, fun in bed. Once I found out about the affair (not her first) we separated.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out about the affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were still having sex regularly and she often initiated. Looking back, she did get more interested in doing other things and became more vocal, fun in bed. Once I found out about the affair (not her first) we separated.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out about the affair?

She was behaving the same way that she did when she had the previous affair. I finally went through her purse when she had left the house without it. I didn’t find anything but decided to go through it again because I knew something was going on. The second time I found a side pocket, unzipped it and found Magnum XL’s (we didn’t use condoms), handwritten notes that made it pretty clear and a credit card number which I’m assuming was his and used to book a hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Sex with my husband, who was a controlling lover, paled in comparison. After he found out about my affair, the first thing he wanted to do was have sex with me--like taking control of my body again. More than the emotional betrayal, he cared about the physical.

I married my AP, and we've been together almost 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were still having sex regularly and she often initiated. Looking back, she did get more interested in doing other things and became more vocal, fun in bed. Once I found out about the affair (not her first) we separated.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out about the affair?

She was behaving the same way that she did when she had the previous affair. I finally went through her purse when she had left the house without it. I didn’t find anything but decided to go through it again because I knew something was going on. The second time I found a side pocket, unzipped it and found Magnum XL’s (we didn’t use condoms), handwritten notes that made it pretty clear and a credit card number which I’m assuming was his and used to book a hotel room.

At least she was using condoms unlike my ex-cheater. Sigh

[Anonymous]

Man here, it was normal. Total compartmentalize between the two. Although sex with wife was very infrequent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, it was normal. Total compartmentalize between the two. Although sex with wife was very infrequent

This is common for men. They never think about wife and kids when with AP and they don't think of AP when with wife and kids.

While we all have some compartmentalization techniques that help us appropriately through life, a man who commits sexual betrayal has more distinct and defined containers and stronger dividers between them. This facilitates his ability to willingly commit such hurtful acts and inflict immeasurable damage to his marriage and other family relationships.

Compartmentalization is not nearly as big an issue for women. They typically don’t operate this way. Most women think holistically. They have fewer compartments, so to speak, but those compartments are interconnected. What goes on in one container impacts others, because they are interwoven. As such, almost every wife I talk to says she could never imagine herself behaving in such hurtful ways and with total disregard for her husband and children.

"A wife will ask how her husband could commit the act of betrayal without thinking about her or the family? This is how: men compartmentalize their lives to the point where the singular focus of one area is all encompassing and becomes a barrier to his comingling the other compartments. The boxes are distinct and separate; there is very little overlap. When we’re in one box, we aren’t in another. There are rare occasions when a man is mesmerized with the contents of his Sexual Sin box that a moment of clarity and conscience will prompt him to take a quick glance at the Family box. For a brief, fleeting moment, he’ll think, I shouldn’t be in this box. I should pick up all these pieces, close up the box, and throw it in the trash. I should completely get it out of the closet. For good…

But then, like a flashing light, the contents spilled on the floor before him grab his attention again and redirect him, so he ignores what he has seen. Addictive, compulsive, coping, self-preserving tendencies prevail, and he continues in shame-bound denial. Once he has acted out and no longer needs what this box offers, he’ll quickly scoop up the contents, close the box, and return it to the shelf. He won’t think about it until the addiction beckons again. Until then, he’ll be able to operate in any number of other boxes in his closet.

When a wife hears me share this closet metaphor, she’ll say something about how frustrated the whole thing makes her. She’ll say that compartmentalization sounds like an excuse. Even Shelley had this opinion when she was proofreading this section! She felt a little frustrated, like I was providing an escape clause or something for the men who commit betrayal! It seems to tap a nerve in wives.

That’s okay. I’m not writing this to fix it or make it feel better, nor even to make a husband’s betrayal more palatable. I simply want everyone to be informed and to understand. There is a small part of me that hopes a wife will process this information in a way that decreases her inclination to vilify her husband. It does not apply to every wife, but some see their husband as a terrible monster who has deliberately stripped away her dignity and whose evil intent is to inflict perpetual wounds. Chances are, this is just not the case.

Anyway, it is safe to say that the boxes are self-soothing, coping strategies that men use to deal with life. The fragmented mind of a sexually addicted man often finds its origin in his childhood. For myriad reasons, the child needed and developed distinct boxes, each with its own set of rules, regulations, and relationships in order to make sense of or deal with the pain in his world."

This is full article:
https://newlife.com/emb/compartmentalizing/

It's why the sexes can't understand one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, it was normal. Total compartmentalize between the two. Although sex with wife was very infrequent

This is common for men. They never think about wife and kids when with AP and they don't think of AP when with wife and kids.

While we all have some compartmentalization techniques that help us appropriately through life, a man who commits sexual betrayal has more distinct and defined containers and stronger dividers between them. This facilitates his ability to willingly commit such hurtful acts and inflict immeasurable damage to his marriage and other family relationships.

Compartmentalization is not nearly as big an issue for women. They typically don’t operate this way. Most women think holistically. They have fewer compartments, so to speak, but those compartments are interconnected. What goes on in one container impacts others, because they are interwoven. As such, almost every wife I talk to says she could never imagine herself behaving in such hurtful ways and with total disregard for her husband and children.

"A wife will ask how her husband could commit the act of betrayal without thinking about her or the family? This is how: men compartmentalize their lives to the point where the singular focus of one area is all encompassing and becomes a barrier to his comingling the other compartments. The boxes are distinct and separate; there is very little overlap. When we’re in one box, we aren’t in another. There are rare occasions when a man is mesmerized with the contents of his Sexual Sin box that a moment of clarity and conscience will prompt him to take a quick glance at the Family box. For a brief, fleeting moment, he’ll think, I shouldn’t be in this box. I should pick up all these pieces, close up the box, and throw it in the trash. I should completely get it out of the closet. For good…

But then, like a flashing light, the contents spilled on the floor before him grab his attention again and redirect him, so he ignores what he has seen. Addictive, compulsive, coping, self-preserving tendencies prevail, and he continues in shame-bound denial. Once he has acted out and no longer needs what this box offers, he’ll quickly scoop up the contents, close the box, and return it to the shelf. He won’t think about it until the addiction beckons again. Until then, he’ll be able to operate in any number of other boxes in his closet.

When a wife hears me share this closet metaphor, she’ll say something about how frustrated the whole thing makes her. She’ll say that compartmentalization sounds like an excuse. Even Shelley had this opinion when she was proofreading this section! She felt a little frustrated, like I was providing an escape clause or something for the men who commit betrayal! It seems to tap a nerve in wives.

That’s okay. I’m not writing this to fix it or make it feel better, nor even to make a husband’s betrayal more palatable. I simply want everyone to be informed and to understand. There is a small part of me that hopes a wife will process this information in a way that decreases her inclination to vilify her husband. It does not apply to every wife, but some see their husband as a terrible monster who has deliberately stripped away her dignity and whose evil intent is to inflict perpetual wounds. Chances are, this is just not the case.

Anyway, it is safe to say that the boxes are self-soothing, coping strategies that men use to deal with life. The fragmented mind of a sexually addicted man often finds its origin in his childhood. For myriad reasons, the child needed and developed distinct boxes, each with its own set of rules, regulations, and relationships in order to make sense of or deal with the pain in his world."

This is full article:
https://newlife.com/emb/compartmentalizing/

It's why the sexes can't understand one another.

So ridiculous. Based on nothing. As a female cheater, I don't think there are huge differences between the sexes and their ability to compartmentalize. That's something wives tell themselves to ease the pain while vilifying women (therefore the other woman by extension).

Most people go into an affair assuming they won't get caught. No one worries about hurting their spouse because no one plans to get caught, therefore it's moot.

[Anonymous]

To be fair women can compartmentalized as well. Just in a different way. Once a husband cheats it's pretty much over for most women. However, many women will stay for the kids, and economic reasons. I've known a few that hate the cheaters guts, but have pretended to forgive them. The cheater is merely a paycheck and roommate after that. Actually I think cheaters cheat on themselves most of all in the long run. They also lost the respect of their kids because in most cases the victimized spouse will tell them at some point. Especially with mothers and daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, it was normal. Total compartmentalize between the two. Although sex with wife was very infrequent

This is common for men. They never think about wife and kids when with AP and they don't think of AP when with wife and kids.

While we all have some compartmentalization techniques that help us appropriately through life, a man who commits sexual betrayal has more distinct and defined containers and stronger dividers between them. This facilitates his ability to willingly commit such hurtful acts and inflict immeasurable damage to his marriage and other family relationships.

Compartmentalization is not nearly as big an issue for women. They typically don’t operate this way. Most women think holistically. They have fewer compartments, so to speak, but those compartments are interconnected. What goes on in one container impacts others, because they are interwoven. As such, almost every wife I talk to says she could never imagine herself behaving in such hurtful ways and with total disregard for her husband and children.

"A wife will ask how her husband could commit the act of betrayal without thinking about her or the family? This is how: men compartmentalize their lives to the point where the singular focus of one area is all encompassing and becomes a barrier to his comingling the other compartments. The boxes are distinct and separate; there is very little overlap. When we’re in one box, we aren’t in another. There are rare occasions when a man is mesmerized with the contents of his Sexual Sin box that a moment of clarity and conscience will prompt him to take a quick glance at the Family box. For a brief, fleeting moment, he’ll think, I shouldn’t be in this box. I should pick up all these pieces, close up the box, and throw it in the trash. I should completely get it out of the closet. For good…

But then, like a flashing light, the contents spilled on the floor before him grab his attention again and redirect him, so he ignores what he has seen. Addictive, compulsive, coping, self-preserving tendencies prevail, and he continues in shame-bound denial. Once he has acted out and no longer needs what this box offers, he’ll quickly scoop up the contents, close the box, and return it to the shelf. He won’t think about it until the addiction beckons again. Until then, he’ll be able to operate in any number of other boxes in his closet.

When a wife hears me share this closet metaphor, she’ll say something about how frustrated the whole thing makes her. She’ll say that compartmentalization sounds like an excuse. Even Shelley had this opinion when she was proofreading this section! She felt a little frustrated, like I was providing an escape clause or something for the men who commit betrayal! It seems to tap a nerve in wives.

That’s okay. I’m not writing this to fix it or make it feel better, nor even to make a husband’s betrayal more palatable. I simply want everyone to be informed and to understand. There is a small part of me that hopes a wife will process this information in a way that decreases her inclination to vilify her husband. It does not apply to every wife, but some see their husband as a terrible monster who has deliberately stripped away her dignity and whose evil intent is to inflict perpetual wounds. Chances are, this is just not the case.

Anyway, it is safe to say that the boxes are self-soothing, coping strategies that men use to deal with life. The fragmented mind of a sexually addicted man often finds its origin in his childhood. For myriad reasons, the child needed and developed distinct boxes, each with its own set of rules, regulations, and relationships in order to make sense of or deal with the pain in his world."

This is full article:
https://newlife.com/emb/compartmentalizing/

It's why the sexes can't understand one another.

So ridiculous. Based on nothing. As a female cheater, I don't think there are huge differences between the sexes and their ability to compartmentalize. That's something wives tell themselves to ease the pain while vilifying women (therefore the other woman by extension).

Most people go into an affair assuming they won't get caught. No one worries about hurting their spouse because no one plans to get caught, therefore it's moot.

Nah. Most are planning exit affairs. Most have a need to believe it means something, at least live over time.

Numerous studies show that women that cheat are in unhappy marriages the vast majority of the time. It’s not just sex like is common for many men.

Men are masters of saying what a woman wants to hear to get in her pants.

[Anonymous]

Compartmentalizations comes from trauma.

Children from alcoholic or abusive or unhappy households learn to do it in childhood. Those that experience abuse also do it.

[Anonymous]

It’s telling the male responders could still have sex with their wives like normal and without guilt.

The female cheaters noted they could no longer have sex with their husbands because it felt like cheating on their AP or they now found them undesirable.

This backs up that compartmentalization difference in the sexes.

They can leave the hotel walk in the door take wife out for a romantic dinner and not once think of the woman they just left cleaning up the sheets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the male responders could still have sex with their wives like normal and without guilt.

The female cheaters noted they could no longer have sex with their husbands because it felt like cheating on their AP or they now found them undesirable.

This backs up that compartmentalization difference in the sexes.

They can leave the hotel walk in the door take wife out for a romantic dinner and not once think of the woman they just left cleaning up the sheets.

Science is whatever we want it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the male responders could still have sex with their wives like normal and without guilt.

The female cheaters noted they could no longer have sex with their husbands because it felt like cheating on their AP or they now found them undesirable.

This backs up that compartmentalization difference in the sexes.

They can leave the hotel walk in the door take wife out for a romantic dinner and not once think of the woman they just left cleaning up the sheets.

Science is whatever we want it to be.

Basic biology and animal instincts are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex didn’t seem to have a problem. Still multiple times a week in all varieties, speed, kinks. So nasty and violating when I found out about the affair.

That’s men for you. They compartmentalize. They can have sex with an AP and turn off like she doesn’t exist as soon as they leave the hotel.

Most women can’t do the same.

It also follows that women are generally unhappy in their marriages and looking for an exit. Men just variety.

That’s why massage parlors, prostitutes/escorts are a lucrative business. Men are different.

No, it's supply and demand.