Property and...extended family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I own a house on a lake that we built from scratch, invested a lot of time and resources. No one from his side of the family ever contributed. With COVID, his siblings decided that the house is FAMILY house and started asking to stay there. We declined at first because we moved in there when schools closed and we all worked remote. We didn't want to be in DC with all that craziness. They pouted because a few of them live in apartments, kids don't have their own space and our house is big. It's big enough for 4 of us, that's how we wanted it. Had they contributed from the beginning, then maybe we would've built a bigger house. Now one of them is asking very firmly to move in there this summer for 3 months. Rent free. With her 4 kids and 2 dogs.

So I guess my question is...what is up with all the mooching? You don't contribute, you don't get your piece of the pie...I am just astonished that 40+ year old people are so entitled.

"No sorry. We plan to use it quite a bit this summer."

Or just "no, that won't work for us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to be there the whole time? If not, then why can't you let them be there some of the time that you're not. Your post is nice enough but you keep bringing up the fact that you wanted them to go in on it with you so now, frankly, you're sounding very retaliatory.

We have a second home so I get it that you get a lot of requests. If we're not using the house then we let family members stay there. As long as they're good caretakers of our property and return it to us the way we left it (or better as happened when a cousin's husband did some major plantings that we had discussed in casual conversation but never undertaken) then we're fine.

When your post mentions less about 'they had the opportunity' and more about other reasons then you'll get a pass from me. Otherwise like I said you sound like you're being retaliatory.

So?

I mean, they didn't want to pony up and now they want the benefits? That may be a bit spiteful but, I have to admit, I'd be feeling the same way.

I'll also say that there was a thread recently about the "it doesn't hurt to ask or does it" idea. I def think it rarely hurts to ask. This is one that is a completely unreasonable, tone deaf ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to be there the whole time? If not, then why can't you let them be there some of the time that you're not. Your post is nice enough but you keep bringing up the fact that you wanted them to go in on it with you so now, frankly, you're sounding very retaliatory.

We have a second home so I get it that you get a lot of requests. If we're not using the house then we let family members stay there. As long as they're good caretakers of our property and return it to us the way we left it (or better as happened when a cousin's husband did some major plantings that we had discussed in casual conversation but never undertaken) then we're fine.

When your post mentions less about 'they had the opportunity' and more about other reasons then you'll get a pass from me. Otherwise like I said you sound like you're being retaliatory.

We have a beach house so I also get that requests come in. Typically if we are not going to be there or if I don't mind company when we are, I will say yes. But, in OP's case, I wouldn't allow it at all. How is OP going to get them out if they come and decide not to leave. Under these circumstances, it seems better to me just to say no all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to be there the whole time? If not, then why can't you let them be there some of the time that you're not. Your post is nice enough but you keep bringing up the fact that you wanted them to go in on it with you so now, frankly, you're sounding very retaliatory.

We have a second home so I get it that you get a lot of requests. If we're not using the house then we let family members stay there. As long as they're good caretakers of our property and return it to us the way we left it (or better as happened when a cousin's husband did some major plantings that we had discussed in casual conversation but never undertaken) then we're fine.

When your post mentions less about 'they had the opportunity' and more about other reasons then you'll get a pass from me. Otherwise like I said you sound like you're being retaliatory.

I don't think OP sounds retaliatory, but I do think that her family sounds entitled. There is nothing that makes it a "family house", and OP already gave them an opportunity to share, anticipating something like this, and they didn't. Eff that.

OP, you will find that there are some over the top entitled adults in this world. "No" is all you owe them, whether or not they are accustomed to hearing it, and you certainly don't need to explain yourself to them. Ever.

My friend has a beach house and her DH had a homeless friend because he had recently gone through a divorce. My friend's DH is the type to complain about money ALL the time, and yet basically supported this user loser for about two years - we are talking car, place to stay, job, and more. His kids trashed the place and the furniture, it was awful. The next year, the same guy asked to use the house and my friend flat out said no - which obviously, she should have done the year before, but never in a million years anticipated that they guy would be so well......such a loser [by thinking he was a.) entitled to use the place and b.) entitled to trash the place and c.) entitled to expect to ever use the house again]. Her DH should have never put her in that position, but she took the reins and ended it. I admire her for that and more. Some people basically have their hand out, it is what they know - especially if they see someone with something they want.

OP, don't get into a situation where people like that think they have an "in", because it is extremely difficult to get rid of moocher leaches. They are a special breed who see no harm in, and have no qualms about encroaching on whomever they feel like encroaching on. They are classless, and worse. Before you know it, these people will be leaving the kids at your house for you to babysit them during your vacations.

Your house is your retreat, not theirs, and not anyone else's. Don't feel the least bit guilty about saying no and changing the subject. If they keep bringing it up, time to escalate the boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to be there the whole time? If not, then why can't you let them be there some of the time that you're not. Your post is nice enough but you keep bringing up the fact that you wanted them to go in on it with you so now, frankly, you're sounding very retaliatory.

We have a second home so I get it that you get a lot of requests. If we're not using the house then we let family members stay there. As long as they're good caretakers of our property and return it to us the way we left it (or better as happened when a cousin's husband did some major plantings that we had discussed in casual conversation but never undertaken) then we're fine.

When your post mentions less about 'they had the opportunity' and more about other reasons then you'll get a pass from me. Otherwise like I said you sound like you're being retaliatory.

We have a beach house so I also get that requests come in. Typically if we are not going to be there or if I don't mind company when we are, I will say yes. But, in OP's case, I wouldn't allow it at all. How is OP going to get them out if they come and decide not to leave. Under these circumstances, it seems better to me just to say no all together.

+1

Yup Users gonna use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to be there the whole time? If not, then why can't you let them be there some of the time that you're not. Your post is nice enough but you keep bringing up the fact that you wanted them to go in on it with you so now, frankly, you're sounding very retaliatory.

We have a second home so I get it that you get a lot of requests. If we're not using the house then we let family members stay there. As long as they're good caretakers of our property and return it to us the way we left it (or better as happened when a cousin's husband did some major plantings that we had discussed in casual conversation but never undertaken) then we're fine.

When your post mentions less about 'they had the opportunity' and more about other reasons then you'll get a pass from me. Otherwise like I said you sound like you're being retaliatory.

So?

I mean, they didn't want to pony up and now they want the benefits? That may be a bit spiteful but, I have to admit, I'd be feeling the same way.

I'll also say that there was a thread recently about the "it doesn't hurt to ask or does it" idea. I def think it rarely hurts to ask. This is one that is a completely unreasonable, tone deaf ask.

+1

Agreed. There are some things that adult should NOT ask for. Free stuff is one of them!

[Anonymous]

Is something else going on?

Because if we had a second home, we would let friends and family use it when we weren't there, and if we knew they wouldn't trash it. Two very important criteria! For us it's not that anyone contributed or not (what a strange thought!), what's important is that they don't damage the house or furnishings. So if the dog is going to scratch up the floors, then no. If the kids are going to smear stuff on the walls, then no. But if it's a nice family who will clean up after themselves, then why not? It's the nice thing to do, pandemic or no pandemic.

If you really want to stick it to them, you could ask for a donation for upkeep or something...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful she doesn't try the negotiation tactic of doing the "okay well how about just 2.5 months then?" "Okay so just july and august?" "I can't believe you're being so selfish! Then just let me stay for half of August - you won't even be there then!"

She tried that too.

+1

These types are accustomed to trying every angle. Just keep saying no, and stick to your guns, OP. If you say yes once, you WILL regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is something else going on?

Because if we had a second home, we would let friends and family use it when we weren't there, and if we knew they wouldn't trash it. Two very important criteria! For us it's not that anyone contributed or not (what a strange thought!), what's important is that they don't damage the house or furnishings. So if the dog is going to scratch up the floors, then no. If the kids are going to smear stuff on the walls, then no. But if it's a nice family who will clean up after themselves, then why not? It's the nice thing to do, pandemic or no pandemic.

If you really want to stick it to them, you could ask for a donation for upkeep or something...

You negated your entire post with that phrase, and you sound like a user yourself. Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

HELL NO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is something else going on?

Because if we had a second home, we would let friends and family use it when we weren't there, and if we knew they wouldn't trash it. Two very important criteria! For us it's not that anyone contributed or not (what a strange thought!), what's important is that they don't damage the house or furnishings. So if the dog is going to scratch up the floors, then no. If the kids are going to smear stuff on the walls, then no. But if it's a nice family who will clean up after themselves, then why not? It's the nice thing to do, pandemic or no pandemic.

If you really want to stick it to them, you could ask for a donation for upkeep or something...

You negated your entire post with that phrase, and you sound like a user yourself. Hard pass.

Pp you replied to. We're an immigrant family who sends money overseas to relatives we've never even met, PP, because they didn't get the opportunity to leave the home country. So we don't have a second home, but we do believe in helping family. If some relatives are obnoxious or irresponsible, of course, that's another story, like I said, but if they're nice enough, why not be kind? Why do people have such a grasping, me-me-me mentality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Pp you replied to. We're an immigrant family who sends money overseas to relatives we've never even met, PP, because they didn't get the opportunity to leave the home country. So we don't have a second home, but we do believe in helping family. If some relatives are obnoxious or irresponsible, of course, that's another story, like I said, but if they're nice enough, why not be kind? Why do people have such a grasping, me-me-me mentality?

NP - if it was a week or two and OP knew them to be responsible, that might be one thing. But the relative is asking to stay for three months with four kids and two dogs. That's a lot of wear and tear, even if unintentional. No way would I say yes to this, OP. And I grew up in a huge family, where we all visited each other over the summer, lots of kids and dogs running around. But we knew never to impose or overstay our welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Pp you replied to. We're an immigrant family who sends money overseas to relatives we've never even met, PP, because they didn't get the opportunity to leave the home country. So we don't have a second home, but we do believe in helping family. If some relatives are obnoxious or irresponsible, of course, that's another story, like I said, but if they're nice enough, why not be kind? Why do people have such a grasping, me-me-me mentality?

NP - if it was a week or two and OP knew them to be responsible, that might be one thing. But the relative is asking to stay for three months with four kids and two dogs. That's a lot of wear and tear, even if unintentional. No way would I say yes to this, OP. And I grew up in a huge family, where we all visited each other over the summer, lots of kids and dogs running around. But we knew never to impose or overstay our welcome.

Also wanted to add to above - the fact that you said no and the relative still tried to negotiate staying there for a long period means they don't respect you and likely wouldn't respect your property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is something else going on?

Because if we had a second home, we would let friends and family use it when we weren't there, and if we knew they wouldn't trash it. Two very important criteria! For us it's not that anyone contributed or not (what a strange thought!), what's important is that they don't damage the house or furnishings. So if the dog is going to scratch up the floors, then no. If the kids are going to smear stuff on the walls, then no. But if it's a nice family who will clean up after themselves, then why not? It's the nice thing to do, pandemic or no pandemic.

If you really want to stick it to them, you could ask for a donation for upkeep or something...

You negated your entire post with that phrase, and you sound like a user yourself. Hard pass.

Pp you replied to. We're an immigrant family who sends money overseas to relatives we've never even met, PP, because they didn't get the opportunity to leave the home country. So we don't have a second home, but we do believe in helping family. If some relatives are obnoxious or irresponsible, of course, that's another story, like I said, but if they're nice enough, why not be kind? Why do people have such a grasping, me-me-me mentality?

We have limited vacation and family time, so do my friends. The friends I know who have vacation homes (ie: not condos, but actual homes - don't believe I have to spell this out, but DCUM) use it on their terms. When in Rome....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Pp you replied to. We're an immigrant family who sends money overseas to relatives we've never even met, PP, because they didn't get the opportunity to leave the home country. So we don't have a second home, but we do believe in helping family. If some relatives are obnoxious or irresponsible, of course, that's another story, like I said, but if they're nice enough, why not be kind? Why do people have such a grasping, me-me-me mentality?

NP - if it was a week or two and OP knew them to be responsible, that might be one thing. But the relative is asking to stay for three months with four kids and two dogs. That's a lot of wear and tear, even if unintentional. No way would I say yes to this, OP. And I grew up in a huge family, where we all visited each other over the summer, lots of kids and dogs running around. But we knew never to impose or overstay our welcome.

Also wanted to add to above - the fact that you said no and the relative still tried to negotiate staying there for a long period means they don't respect you and likely wouldn't respect your property.

+1

BINGO.