Does anyone else dealing with an elderly ill parent feel like they have an abuser in their life?

[Anonymous]

OP I have already posted, but this all just resonates so much with me and my experience. I bet when you found that rehab center you did a ton of research too. i spent hours upon hours finding the best doctors, places for mom and she then berated me if something was not to her liking. I stopped doing it so often. I have her ask her friends. I point her to websites and have her make the decision. It helped a little because now I hear..."I can't believe Rita liked that horrible doctor!"

I will point out to her she sounds unhappy and make suggestions which never goes well. So I also let her doctors know when she is raging a lot. They have convinced her to take antidepressants and she does much better on them, but she always decides she is cured and goes back off.

One thing I try when she rages is to use a very calm voice to deescalate. I might say "I can tell i am upsetting you and I don't want that. I am sorry I made you so upset. I want you to be happy so i am going to go now." Occasionally though...like ever 4 tantrums I yell back and tell her to cut the crap and stop using me as her verbal punching bag. It makes he rage louder, but sometimes I need the release. At that point I am so burned out I don't regret giving it back.

Having been through this with inlaws and my other parent I can tell you it made it easier when it was finally time to say goodbye. I recall about my GMIL's funeral my MIL was happy and serene and I knew it was because she was there for GMIL despite the nastiness and she felt at peace. She saw the awful end. She knew her mother was no longer suffering and finally nobody was yelling at her. Meanwhile her sister was sobbing hysterically. We had the same scenario with my dad. I felt like a sociopath for not sobbing hysterically, but I had actually been there for him for many years and I saw such an awful decline. I felt peace and no regrets. When i miss him, I just remember the worse of the decline and I know it was time.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but in my case it is my ill spouse, not my ill parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is 100% how it is with my mom. It’s absolutely terrible and just the beginning of the decline. There’s anger, paranoia, and nonstop dissatisfaction/complaints. Plus confusion to top it all, and they tend to focus it all on us because we’re the only ones who will listen nonstop and who are willing to put up with it.

Right there with you. Parents are 66. It’s gone downhill a lot during the pandemic.

That’s young! Do they have dementia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but in my case it is my ill spouse, not my ill parent.

NP

I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

PPs, were your loved ones always difficult, to some degree, or was the onset of the rage, etc. in tandem with old age and/or dementia? Were they milder-mannered, kind people who had a personality change in the elder years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, were your loved ones always difficult, to some degree, or was the onset of the rage, etc. in tandem with old age and/or dementia? Were they milder-mannered, kind people who had a personality change in the elder years?

Not the op, but yes they were mildly difficult. During times of stress they could be very difficult because they never learned skills to deal or got help. I don't recall tantrums like this nearly as often. It wasn't a personality change, but it was a decrease in tolerance for stress and an exacerbation of reactions.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. This is such a difficult period in my life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. It wasn't until my elderly mother threatened to kill me and ended up with "homicidal ideation" in her medical records that anyone took me seriously. Now everyone wants me to be sad that she's dead, but I actually just feel like I'm not walking on eggshells for the first time in my life. A weight has finally been lifted.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my mom with my grandmother. I feel for you OP. Try and set up the boundaries you can. If family members are texting, calling on her behalf you need to explain what is going on. Some will think you are being dramatic but most will understand and lay off you. You might get lucky and one or two may figure out how to actually be a help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is 100% how it is with my mom. It’s absolutely terrible and just the beginning of the decline. There’s anger, paranoia, and nonstop dissatisfaction/complaints. Plus confusion to top it all, and they tend to focus it all on us because we’re the only ones who will listen nonstop and who are willing to put up with it.

Right there with you. Parents are 66. It’s gone downhill a lot during the pandemic.

That’s young! Do they have dementia?

Father, yes, and he’s abusive physically and psychologically. Mother, not sure. Some of the symptoms of psychological abuse mimic those of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my mom with my grandmother. I feel for you OP. Try and set up the boundaries you can. If family members are texting, calling on her behalf you need to explain what is going on. Some will think you are being dramatic but most will understand and lay off you. You might get lucky and one or two may figure out how to actually be a help.

I like this advice OP. Tell them your concerns about mom. Let them know the impact it has on you not only dealing with her outbursts, but also getting all these well meaning texts and calls from them. You never know who might have useful advice or just will offer empathy.

[Anonymous]

Right there with you. Parents are 66. It’s gone downhill a lot during the pandemic.

This is scary. We are 60 and both working and have an active life. I had a similar experience with my mom but not until after she hit her late 80s. Do you think it is related to retirement/boredom? I can't imagine doing that to my kids in 6 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It wasn't until my elderly mother threatened to kill me and ended up with "homicidal ideation" in her medical records that anyone took me seriously. Now everyone wants me to be sad that she's dead, but I actually just feel like I'm not walking on eggshells for the first time in my life. A weight has finally been lifted.

This really resonated with me. Caregivers are really treated poorly sometimes by both the medical community and the patient and there really is not a solution to some of this. First you figure out, is this dementia or mental health issues. For example one of my parents became quite verbally abusive and even threw something near me, while caring for the other parent with help. I made it clear to everyone involved I was highly concerned this was either dementia or mental health issues and needed to be addressed. I got a lot of "yes, care-giving is stressful." When dementia was ruled out nobody would help me convince this parent to either get more help or have my other parent go into a facility. I backed away and said parent started taking out rage on others and suddenly people woke up some. This parent passed the dementia tests.

Dementia would make all the more complicated because we are supposed to blame the dementia and not take it personally. So you have caregivers enduring the abuse trained to de-escalate, but still they quit because you can only take so much. And then what is the solution? Medicate them just enough so they are not cruel and then the med needs constantly change as new health issues arise.

It's so complicated and women are often the ones expected to do and expected to suck it up and we become the targets too often of not just the parent, but of relatives and know-it-all siblings who think they can give orders from afar. I think more leaders need to see this all upclose. Maybe we need more people doing reality clips of what it is like and not these adorable people on tiktok who seem to be so well behaved and sweet even with Alzheimers and dementia. I look at those clips and cannot relate at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you put her on speaker, and then just do something else while she talks, and put in the occasional "um, hm" and "That's really rough." ? The only good thing about a tirade is that a substantive response is not generally required.
My mom is not abusive, but does tell extremely long stories about medical stuff (crazy levels of detail, like the name of the receptionist, how long she's worked there, where the receptionist's kids go to school, etc.) and I just put earbuds in and clean the kitchen or whatever while she talks. Every once in a while I have to ask her to back up and repeat something because there is actually important information conveyed.

This is what I do, too. It’s a chore to me that I don’t enjoy but can deal with.
Yes she sometimes goes into berating me, then I hang up and call again later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It wasn't until my elderly mother threatened to kill me and ended up with "homicidal ideation" in her medical records that anyone took me seriously. Now everyone wants me to be sad that she's dead, but I actually just feel like I'm not walking on eggshells for the first time in my life. A weight has finally been lifted.

I think I will be so relieved when my mom is finally gone tbh. Just know you are not alone. My mother has been making me miserable since I was 18, maybe even before (but since she also did some great things when I was a child, I can’t say it was all bad). But definitely the weight will be lifted. Hugs.