Reply to Does anyone else dealing with an elderly ill parent feel like they have an abuser in their life?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP I have already posted, but this all just resonates so much with me and my experience. I bet when you found that rehab center you did a ton of research too. i spent hours upon hours finding the best doctors, places for mom and she then berated me if something was not to her liking. I stopped doing it so often. I have her ask her friends. I point her to websites and have her make the decision. It helped a little because now I hear..."I can't believe Rita liked that horrible doctor!"

I will point out to her she sounds unhappy and make suggestions which never goes well. So I also let her doctors know when she is raging a lot. They have convinced her to take antidepressants and she does much better on them, but she always decides she is cured and goes back off.

One thing I try when she rages is to use a very calm voice to deescalate. I might say "I can tell i am upsetting you and I don't want that. I am sorry I made you so upset. I want you to be happy so i am going to go now." Occasionally though...like ever 4 tantrums I yell back and tell her to cut the crap and stop using me as her verbal punching bag. It makes he rage louder, but sometimes I need the release. At that point I am so burned out I don't regret giving it back.

Having been through this with inlaws and my other parent I can tell you it made it easier when it was finally time to say goodbye. I recall about my GMIL's funeral my MIL was happy and serene and I knew it was because she was there for GMIL despite the nastiness and she felt at peace. She saw the awful end. She knew her mother was no longer suffering and finally nobody was yelling at her. Meanwhile her sister was sobbing hysterically. We had the same scenario with my dad. I felt like a sociopath for not sobbing hysterically, but I had actually been there for him for many years and I saw such an awful decline. I felt peace and no regrets. When i miss him, I just remember the worse of the decline and I know it was time.[/quote]

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