Does anyone else dealing with an elderly ill parent feel like they have an abuser in their life?
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Anonymous
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I'm having trouble sleeping and have other symptoms of anxiety. I'm constantly berated by mother, constantly called by her. When's she's not actively in a tirade about something I've done (choose the "wrong" rehab center for her broken hip) she's simply narrating her symptoms non-stop and I can't listen for hours to the same stories of constipation, claims of abuse by staff, etc. I do make attempts to set boundaries with her but there is an onslaught of calls and texts from family members....Mom wants you to call...Mom wants to talk to you.
I really started to think last night that if this was a man I was married to, there would be no way I would put up with this. I would cut off all contact. |
Anonymous
| My dad abused us as kids. I recently learned that he used our identities as well to get benefits that we never received and to take out debt. I just paid $1000 to settle a debt he took out on my name. |
Anonymous
| OP, has she been evaluated for cognitive decline? |
Anonymous
| OP, I get it. It’s a vicious cycle for me. My mother makes so many demands and then I get angry then feel guilty for being angry and feel like a horrible daughter. No advice, just understanding. |
Anonymous
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OP I totally get it and have reported some of these posts. It will be telling how that is handled. If a child reported to a teacher that mom was even verbally abusive on a regular basis, the teacher would be require to consult CPS. Yet, as adults many of us caregivers face unspeakable verbal, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse and too often people say "have grace" or something else that basically is telling you that your well-being doesn't matter. The abuser is more important. It's gaslighting. You haven't mentioned if there is dementia, but that adds a whole other layer.
I will write more soon, but I encourage more people to report any poster who adds to the abuse. None of us deserve to have our elderly mothers throw tirades at us.The comment that we too will be old one day if lucky is particularly obnoxious given the high rate of abused caregivers who die before those they are caring for. |
Anonymous
| Posting again, I am so relieved to see those posts were removed. You didn't deserve that OP. I relate so much. We get the abuse from our elderly parent and then people on here gaslight you and guilt trip when all you need a safe space and understanding. Thank you Jeff or whoever showed they care about those who are caregivers! |
Anonymous
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If she's not living with you, you must ignore most of her attempts to call. She's clearly not in her right mind, which is a common part of the aging process. You can accompany her to the doctor (after the pandemic ends, I suppose) and broach that topic. There are several dementias and disorders she could potentially be diagnosed with. You can tell the family members to shove off. If you have tasked yourself with helping her get around and other eldercare things, you can try your best to tune out her crap and cut in with questions that need answers: "MOM! What time is your appointment with Dr. X? 10:30 on Tuesday? I'll come at 10 to pick you up. Bye!" And then she rants in the car, and you say "hm-mm", "sure" , "yeah, I know", "seriously", all the while composing your weekly menu in your head. |
Anonymous
| For the family members I might say "I understand your concern. I have been dealing with some incredibly challenging behavior from mom and it is affecting my health. I have been advised by doctors that I cannot be of help to mom if I don't set some boundaries and take care of my health too. I can assure you I am in touch with mom and doing the best I can. Please do not keep calling and texting unless it's an emergency. I already receive x number of calls and texts from mom. Thank you." |
Anonymous
| Also, can mom afford a case manager? if so, let that person organize her help, advocate for her and be a contact person for relatives. It's expensive. Beware, they sometimes just want to collect the money and turn it back on you. You may have to go through a few, but a good one is worth it when she understands it is her job to manage services and field complaints. A good one will work as a team member with you. |
Anonymous
I did not see the posts you are referring to, but I have an idea of what they were about. It reminds me that, when we as daughters pull back or try to preserve ourselves, we are then labeled as "lazy, horrible daughters". This happened to me and it's a terrible thing to go through. Shame on those who judge, they have absolutely NO idea what we go through. |
Anonymous
| OP, this is 100% how it is with my mom. It’s absolutely terrible and just the beginning of the decline. There’s anger, paranoia, and nonstop dissatisfaction/complaints. Plus confusion to top it all, and they tend to focus it all on us because we’re the only ones who will listen nonstop and who are willing to put up with it. |
Anonymous
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Can you put her on speaker, and then just do something else while she talks, and put in the occasional "um, hm" and "That's really rough." ? The only good thing about a tirade is that a substantive response is not generally required.
My mom is not abusive, but does tell extremely long stories about medical stuff (crazy levels of detail, like the name of the receptionist, how long she's worked there, where the receptionist's kids go to school, etc.) and I just put earbuds in and clean the kitchen or whatever while she talks. Every once in a while I have to ask her to back up and repeat something because there is actually important information conveyed. |
Anonymous
Yep. This is what happened to my mom as well. I would try to get her to talk about her family history, things she liked when she was young, what it was like to grow up when she did...anything besides the "fact" I was a horrible daughter who never did what she told me to. |
Anonymous
+1 OP, dementia patients often pick one "safe" person to lash out at. MIL went after me more than once, starting years ago - I was/am different from her (her daughters are identical to her), and she did NOT like that I "dare" be different. That's who I am, no apologies, I never "did" anything to her, but DH purposely chose someone very different than MIL, which is telling! I don't bother with her, because what is the point, life really is too short. In your case, can you distribute some of the "communication" amongst your siblings? |
Anonymous
Right there with you. Parents are 66. It’s gone downhill a lot during the pandemic. |