How to collect money for family gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an uncle that can't afford as much as my mom and her siblings (or he's just cheap, probably that). He gets my grandparents his own gifts and the others go in on a big gift. It doesn't hurt anyone's feelings.

When we had a sibling who was out of work and couldn't afford to chip in, we just included her name on the card and covered her share. She'd have done the same for us if the positions were different.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want to do the joint gifts and you shouldn't dictate how she spends her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't want to do the joint gifts and you shouldn't dictate how she spends her money.

Nobody is dictating.

[Anonymous]

Copy her DH in on the text/email reminder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't want to do the joint gifts and you shouldn't dictate how she spends her money.

It sounds like she agrees on the joint gift, but then never pays the buyer back. If she doesn't want to go in on the joint gift, she should just say so, instead of agreeing and then stiffing the person who actually pays.

[Anonymous]

She weasels out every time because you guys let her get away from it, gifts still come from “the kids”. She doesn’t “forget” - she knows exactly when Feb 14 is, but for whatever her reason is, it’s not important to her to be included in celebrating your parents anniversary. So, I suggest letting her off the hook as she doesn’t want to participate. Move forward with everything amongst the siblings who DO want to participate, including signing the card/ taking the credit.

If you want to give her last call, then give her one clear reminder. If she forgets, oh well. Move forward with your plans without her.

[Anonymous]

It's not that she's cheap, it's that it is not important to her. By her telling you that if it's left up to her it won't get done is enough evidence that she does not care. Stop putting her name on the gifts if she doesn't pay her share. You are shielding her from your parents knowing who she really is.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like she's just busy and forgetful, and probably lots of things in her life fall through the cracks, and that's just who she is. Ie, she's not "weaseling out of paying" she's just forgetful.

It also sounds like all your conversations with her about this have been micro: "hey, you still owe me for the beach" "hey can send the money for the gift" "can you buy this gift" etc.

If all that is true, it's time to zoom out to more of a macro conversation.

"Hey Larla. I've** noticed a trend where you are happy to go in on group gifts and activities, but you often don't pay me back for your share. Or, if you do, I have to keep hounding you for the money. I hate having to do that, and I don't think it should always be my responsibility to coordinate and then remind you. It's made me not want to go in on gifts and trips with you. Is there a better way we could be handling this? I hate having money come between us, but I'm honestly starting to get a bit resentful."

Then see what she says. She probably hasn't noticed the pattern, and pointing it out might really move you up on her priority list.

**I've used "I" here instead of "we." If you and your other siblings have discussed it and you can decide on a joint message, that's reasonable, but if it's going to say "we" you better be damn sure everyone is on board.

[Anonymous]

Hey sister, please send $80 by friday if you want to join in on the group gift for mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just sign the card from the three of you, leave out Mary. And when your parents say "Wait, why isn't Mary on the card?" you can say "Because Mary never pays her share and we're all sick of it. So we're doing a group gift without her. Happy anniversary!"

Just do this, Mary can get her own card or gift.

[Anonymous]

Any chance your family would be amenable to a general discussion about how to deal with group things? So, e.g., sometime when you are all together (such as an anniversary celebration everyone attends), can you ask if anyone has any apps or ideas on how to manage setting up group events and the like, since you all have busy lives, and it's been a challenge?

There are online products and apps that help organize meal trains and the like. I'm sure there is one that can be used for deciding on a group gift, figuring out details of when people can attend get-togethers, and automating the process of getting money into one pot. I know Tilt and Paybox do the latter, and I think one of them sends out reminder automated emails.

[Anonymous]

Give her a deadline: "Larlo, we're getting this gift for parents. If you want to be part of it, your share is $xxx. If we don't have the money from you by xx/xx date, we'll assume you're not participating this time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her a deadline: "Larlo, we're getting this gift for parents. If you want to be part of it, your share is $xxx. If we don't have the money from you by xx/xx date, we'll assume you're not participating this time."

...hit return too fast. And then give the gift and card to the parents from the contributing siblings only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me with my brother. One year, “we” gave my parents a present and my dad turned to my brother and said “pay back your sister.” Your parents know your sister is a cheapskate without you telling them. Just stop signing her name to the card. There’s no need to “cover” for her. (If fee differently if she were struggling financially, but you indicate this isn’t the case.)

That’s hilarious!

[Anonymous]

My husband is your sister in this scenario. He refuses to treat his ADHD and his brothers have other things to do and can’t always nag him to pay his share. If he were tasked with buying the gift, it would come 3 months late!

He pays up if he’s nagged enough. That’s all.