How to collect money for family gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family tends to do a lot of communal things - all the siblings go in for a group Xmas gift for our parents, chips in for a week at the beach etc. My sister never ever pays up unless you badger her millions of times. It's annoying. She has money. Nobody is hurting. It's just that she forgets and someone else ends up not being reimbursed.

Our parents' milestone anniversary is Valentines' Day (cheesy I know) and the four siblings are going in on a bunch of stuff. We decided (side text) to ask the never-pay sister to be the one to make the purchase and this time we'd be the one to reimburse. She said she could "try" but honestly unless someone else does it won't get done. (She has forgotten before.) So we just moved ahead. The thing is if we don't include her -- only from the three of us -- my parents will wonder what's up and the point is to get them a gift!!

Somehow my sister always weasels out of paying! It is beyond aggravating. How would you solve this?

It sounds like she doesn't want to pay, not that she forgot. Since it's s a pattern, let her know and gift w/out her. She's an adult, knows her actions has consequences.

[Anonymous]

Ask for the money now. Say point blank “I hate badgering for reimbursements as much as you hate hearing it so either pitch in on the gift with us now or let me know you’re doing your own thing so we can take it from there.”

[Anonymous]

Does she tend to be someone who avoids confrontation? Maybe she hates group gifts. Maybe she has more financial issues than you know? In the scheme of things-who cares? Stop with the group gifts perhaps? Will your parents be hurt if every name is not on the card? It just all seems like drama that isn't worth it. The gift is having your kids visit and having them get along. Maybe she is over the cutesy group gift or she is saving for the kids to go to college. I don't expect my kids to every shower me with gifts. I just want them to be in my life and feel loved.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever asked her, “hey do you not want to participate in group gifts anymore?” Maybe investigate a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't want to do the joint gifts and you shouldn't dictate how she spends her money.

Nobody is dictating.

If some siblings agree to a gift and share cost, other does not, it is dictating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't want to do the joint gifts and you shouldn't dictate how she spends her money.

Nobody is dictating.

If some siblings agree to a gift and share cost, other does not, it is dictating.

Why? Presumedly OPs sister is an adult who clearly has authority over her own life. “I don’t want to do a group gift with you guys this year”. Easy peasy! Of course, then she would probably have to get parents a gift on her own, and she doesn’t want to do that either. She’s not opening her mouth because the status quo works, even if it’s a PITA to be badgered and have to pay sometimes. She gets credit every time, but only pays sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Do you get along with your sibling otherwise? Are you truly a close knit family or just one that puts on a performance. If there is a lot of love there, let it go. Either pay for her, or don't do a group gift. If you just put a few names on the card you look petty, immature and dysfunctional. Maybe she shows her love in non-financial ways and isn't into materialism or she can't afford this and doesn't want to tell you. Let it go and don't make it so complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send her a request daily on venmo.

Why do this? For whatever reason she does not want to pay. She may have financial issues you don't know about. She may want to save. It's a gift for goodness sake, not a life or death situation. Wait until there are health emergencies and other aging parent issues. Sometimes the ones willing to throw money around are not at all willing to physically help in any way. Life is too short to get this obsessed with harassing someone into paying who for whatever reason won't. Focus more on just getting along and making the day special for your parents and less on what you purchase. Maybe she would go in if it were less expensive. The best ways to show love don't cost anything, but your time and devotion.

[Anonymous]

Does she have financial troubles? If not, then make her responsible for buying the gifts. And once she gets the gift, then you all can Venmo her your share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have financial troubles? If not, then make her responsible for buying the gifts. And once she gets the gift, then you all can Venmo her your share.

OP said fiancé’s were not an issue, and that sister “forgets” to buy when she is tasked.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to let her know that if she doesn't pay her name will not be on the card. Trick is to downplay when your parents mention it (if they do). "Mary did not want to participate in this group gift. We just assumed she had something else planned."

Then continue to invite her to participate in group gift with a deadline for paying. No $ no inclusion. Rinse and repeat.

Sounds super annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask for the money now. Say point blank “I hate badgering for reimbursements as much as you hate hearing it so either pitch in on the gift with us now or let me know you’re doing your own thing so we can take it from there.”

This, with a specific date she needs to send the funds by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to let her know that if she doesn't pay her name will not be on the card. Trick is to downplay when your parents mention it (if they do). "Mary did not want to participate in this group gift. We just assumed she had something else planned."

Then continue to invite her to participate in group gift with a deadline for paying. No $ no inclusion. Rinse and repeat.

Sounds super annoying.

I guarantee you most parents care more about their kids getting along than they do about a gift. There is too much focus here on getting your money. Drop the gift. Things turn too petty and it is just a material item. Just because OP thinks she is not financially stressed does not make it true. I had an Uncle who made a lot of money and his wife spent them into debt. My parents both grew up with modest means and even though they did very well financially it stressed them out to spend so they were very frugal even with gifts, but not with love.

LOVE and HARMONY are more important than $$$$$$ and gifts. It is NOT a gift to your parents if they think there is drama, exclusion and/or resentment. Remove the financial factor and focus on relationships and peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask for the money now. Say point blank “I hate badgering for reimbursements as much as you hate hearing it so either pitch in on the gift with us now or let me know you’re doing your own thing so we can take it from there.”

This, with a specific date she needs to send the funds by.

Listen to yourself. Let the sister show her love without money if that is what she wants. The materialism and focus on money here is so concerning. This is family. The gift is a loving family. It is not about how much you spend and starting a family drama and calling people cheap or finding new ways to make Larlra cough up some cash. Get some perspective. One day your parents will ill and they will pass away. Will the care about the fact y'all spent a lot of money on some gift, but made Linda feel like a loser or that they remember being surrounded by love?

[Anonymous]

I posted a similar question a few months ago and everyone told me I should include the name of the non-paying sibling. It was a party favor that was bottles of wine with a custom label—Happy milestone Bday... from siblings. We ordered a few cases to be given as party favors for a party that one sibling did not contribute either financially or effort wise. Didn’t even attend. But we included their name anyway to make the parent think all their kids loved each other. In fact, this sibling is a deadbeat, bankrupt, chronically unemployed loser. Parent constantly defends them and makes excuses for them and gives them money.