Teacher concerned about DS’s size- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

I have a DD below the 5th percentile. I constantly hear these comments, mostly from my own friends, from strangers, teachers, etc:

“Doesn’t your mommy feed you? Come home with me, I’ll feed you.”
“You need to give her whole milk.”
“Ice cream after every meal.”
And so on

We are not Asian.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your responses, PPs. -OP

I thought it might have something to do with race because his race stands out in his class at least as much as his size. This teacher has also made comments about DS being exotic. We and he are native born Americans with American accents. We are of Japanese decent. I am used to the comments like this but not the harping on the child’s size.

Publics have to take this more seriously? Interesting. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s possibly ignorance more than it is racism. I wonder if part of the issue is that the teacher, as a mandated reporter for child abuse and neglect, lacks training. In your place, I would meet with the teacher — because it is completely inappropriate for her to be discussing issues like this in front of the class or even with your child. I would, again, tell her that your pediatrician has no concerns, and I would discuss it with the principal / administrator if she brings up the issue again.

There may be something else going on, though, since this does seem off. I’m wondering why the teacher didn’t speak with the school nurse re: her concerns?
The nurse could have registered the teacher’s concern, and reassured the teacher that s/he would address any medical concerns — if there were any that needed to be addressed.

Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I am a white person, but I have thoughts about the racism issue. Subtle racism is really hard to real with because it can be just as damaging as overt racism, and on top of that you have the extra potential for gaslighting. The offender and others can make you the problem by saying you are overreacting and being too sensitive.

Also I wonder if people who are saying it isn’t racism have heard the jokes I have. I am not usually around very racist people (yes I live in a DMV bubble), but a few years back I heard a guy make several jokes about Asian men being short and small (and robotic). He was white and made homophobic jokes too, so you couldn’t really say the jokes were good-natured in any way. I didn’t know before that that comments about stature were part of the racism that Asian men and boys face.

So yes I think this was racism and it kind sucks that it is subtle so OP and her son are left wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you really want to strike hard, you need to file a bullying report. They are obligated to act on it.

This would be my move.

[Anonymous]

Oh man op I’m so sorry - it is absolutely both inappropriate and racism (your update that she called him exotic confirms she is committing many micro aggressions against him). Either way it is absolutely incredibly inappropriate to be commenting on a child’s body!! Full stop. Unacceptable. I would include the “exotic” comment when you report this as it demonstrates a pattern of him being called out as “different” from his classmates. Some have posted it might be ignorance or unintentional, yes it probably is - but the impact is the same. And the teacher needs to be held accountable and taught how to be respectful of all of her students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you really want to strike hard, you need to file a bullying report. They are obligated to act on it.

This would be my move.

Private schools are obligated to do something about this? By whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you really want to strike hard, you need to file a bullying report. They are obligated to act on it.

This would be my move.

Private schools are obligated to do something about this? By whom?

They aren’t. People assumed (wrongly) this was a public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is ABSOLUTELY racism. Tell her via email, icing the principal, that your son has recently been to the pediatrician and they have no concerns about his size and you will look forward to her IMMEDIATELY ceasing to make comments to him, and/or to the class about his size, height, weight, nutrition or food. Thank you in advance.

And then if it doesn't stop you need to demand an in person meeting with the teacher and the principal, and bring a lawyer.

Love,
A white parent

+1

A lawyer for what??

Doesn’t matter. A white man in a suit will scare them into taking this seriously. They won’t want to get sued for racism, and most people don’t realize those cases are impossible to win.

[Anonymous]

I would worry about that teacher’s judgment. Like, who doesn’t know that Asian kids tend to be smaller than white kids (I am Asian). It’s genetic. Is she really sheltered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is Asian, age 9, 7th percentile for height and weight. I just took him for his annual physical in December and his doctor mentioned his small percentile but said he was developing normally and that this size was normal for him given his parents’ sizes. We are both Japanese-American and short and thin. DS is in a private school with mostly white American students and is the smallest in his class. His teacher makes a big deal out of his size, pointing out how small he is to the class, expressing concern that we don’t know how to provide good nutrition. Is this racism? How should I handle this teacher’s concern? I’ve tried pointing out what the doctor says but that is not alleviating her concerns. His school is in person most of the time right now. Should I bring it up with an administrator if she continues?

I'm a former teacher and just like any profession, there are some really mean and terrible teachers out there. Honestly, they are mostly rare because teachers are usually awesome but there are definitely teachers who have an ax to grind.

Something purely by noticing patterns, is that if you are a minority and are wealthy, sometimes teachers who are highly educated but mostly middle class will sometimes do things like you've described because they don't really have any other way to feel power. It's kind of like knocking you down a little. I've had it happen to me in different situations. I'm not sure it's racist, annoying as heck for sure. My DD is very tiny and I'm very sensitive to people making comments because I've tried everything under the sun but she is naturally thin.

[Anonymous]

Not appropriate at all!! I still remember when my teacher “watered” a kid in 3rd grade to help him grow. I was horrified for him then, and even more so now as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Private schools are still bound by civil rights laws if they accept federal funding, which almost all do (such as textbooks and FRL funds). They can't discriminate his access to class based on his race, which is what these comments do. I'd send a letter, too.

[Anonymous]

I am a 6”2 woman and I have vivid memories of teachers remarking about my height and size in front of me. You are 1000% within reason to nip this in the bud or request a new teacher. So inappropriate and damaging. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher and if I heard about this happening in my school I would be in the principal’s office so fast. If the teacher wasn’t disciplined I would go above that real quick. Besides an apology to the kid, the whole class needs to hear loud and clear that this isn’t okay. The teacher should be reassigned. Please follow up, on behalf of your child, and future students in this teacher’s room.