So many who don’t like/respect parents

[Anonymous]

All of my friends these days believe their mothers are “narcissists.” I nod along but it’s absolutely silly.

[Anonymous]

How do you know, and how can you judge? If you haven’t been parented by a narcissist, you have no idea what it’s like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of my friends these days believe their mothers are “narcissists.” I nod along but it’s absolutely silly.

I have so many friends who are constantly complaining about their mothers and/or have “gone low/no contact” for their own mental health, while judging their childfree peers who “will never know what love truly is.” They don’t even hear the irony of their own words.

[Anonymous]

Totally disagree. There are plenty of people who like and respect their parents. They don't have the need to come to an online forum to vent. They have little or hardly anything to complain about. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, there is shame and embarrassment involved. You don't want to/can't really burden your spouse or friends too much. You fear others won't believe you or will invalidate your experience. Of course, you won't see yourself represented in a women's magazine story. People who grew up in families with a healthy emotional life don't have these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and cut them off. And many people say that’s ok.

What happens when you don’t like who your children turned out to be?

I agree. I don't know if it is the same posters posting repeatedly or if this Family Relationships forum attracts only the unstable but it is disheartening to see how intolerant people are. I used to think it was just a Millennial issue but now I don't know.

I do think that whomever is posting all of this vitriol hasn't figured out that they truly are their kids' models and what their kids see is how their kids will act when they get older. I think there are some DCUMers who are in for a nasty surprise in 5-10-15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of my friends these days believe their mothers are “narcissists.” I nod along but it’s absolutely silly.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and cut them off. And many people say that’s ok.

What happens when you don’t like who your children turned out to be?

Good question. I find it interesting that many self-absorbed adults claim their parents are "narcissists" yet they are actually more guilty of narcissistic behavior: "My parent doesn't admire what I do, doesn't think the way I do, doesn't behave the way I want, doesn't realize how important MY life is, do not understand how unique my challenges are, refuse to recognize my analysis of their mental health problems, and on top of that - expects me to feel sympathy because they are getting older, lonely and want their children to care about what happens to them."

+100

+101

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and cut them off. And many people say that’s ok.

What happens when you don’t like who your children turned out to be?

I agree. I don't know if it is the same posters posting repeatedly or if this Family Relationships forum attracts only the unstable but it is disheartening to see how intolerant people are. I used to think it was just a Millennial issue but now I don't know.

I do think that whomever is posting all of this vitriol hasn't figured out that they truly are their kids' models and what their kids see is how their kids will act when they get older. I think there are some DCUMers who are in for a nasty surprise in 5-10-15 years.

What kind of person goes online and makes such mean assumptions about people they don't know? You are the one who needs to check yourself.

[Anonymous]

It's the principle of the oxygen mask, OP. I put mine on first so that I can help my family.

This means I distance myself from my hyperanxious, ultra-critical mother when she's goes off on me. We love each other dearly, but the only way I can love her dearly is with a bit of distance.

It's even worse when parenting certain difficult teens. They're still dependent on you, still live with you, yet make your life hell for a period of time. I'm living it right now.

So... Oxygen mask, OP.

[Anonymous]

My young adult DD has a bunch of friends who grew up without mothers in their lives. I find it mind boggling. I mean, how many kids out there had their moms walk out on them when they were children? Did any of you have moms who walked out on you and left you high and dry like that? One of her friends was adopted by her stepfather - and then her biological mother walked out on her, and her stepdad raised her alone! I think he deserves a medal.

If you have a mom who was abusive, or a diagnosed BPD or another diagnosed severe mental disorder like that, I can understand your wanting to keep your distance. I encountered a lot of dysfunctional crazies among the school parents when my kid was growing up. But disliking your mom because she tried to steer you, but with love and not with malice? Uh, okay. Whatever. Just be glad your mom never walked out on you to go find herself. At least give her some basic credit for hanging in there with the midnight feedings and the all-nighters dealing with your illnesses, protecting you from danger and trying to guide you as you made big life choices, putting you first in her life and pouring all her love and effort into trying to raise you right. That's what life comes down to, and it's awfully selfish to write it all off as if it was no skin off your mom's nose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and cut them off. And many people say that’s ok.

What happens when you don’t like who your children turned out to be?

I agree. I don't know if it is the same posters posting repeatedly or if this Family Relationships forum attracts only the unstable but it is disheartening to see how intolerant people are. I used to think it was just a Millennial issue but now I don't know.

I do think that whomever is posting all of this vitriol hasn't figured out that they truly are their kids' models and what their kids see is how their kids will act when they get older. I think there are some DCUMers who are in for a nasty surprise in 5-10-15 years.

And this is where you are wrong. My parents modelled that you are there for your parents and help them. However my parents are nasty to me and I have walked away from them. The truth is, if you want your kids to be there in your life, you actually have to be kind and loving with them and they will be there. If you are nasty to them they will most likely distance themselves. This isn't hard to work out. I think there are some older parents on here who are scared to death that they cant treat their kids like crap and get away with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and cut them off. And many people say that’s ok.

What happens when you don’t like who your children turned out to be?

I agree. I don't know if it is the same posters posting repeatedly or if this Family Relationships forum attracts only the unstable but it is disheartening to see how intolerant people are. I used to think it was just a Millennial issue but now I don't know.

I do think that whomever is posting all of this vitriol hasn't figured out that they truly are their kids' models and what their kids see is how their kids will act when they get older. I think there are some DCUMers who are in for a nasty surprise in 5-10-15 years.

And this is where you are wrong. My parents modelled that you are there for your parents and help them. However my parents are nasty to me and I have walked away from them. The truth is, if you want your kids to be there in your life, you actually have to be kind and loving with them and they will be there. If you are nasty to them they will most likely distance themselves. This isn't hard to work out. I think there are some older parents on here who are scared to death that they cant treat their kids like crap and get away with it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My young adult DD has a bunch of friends who grew up without mothers in their lives. I find it mind boggling. I mean, how many kids out there had their moms walk out on them when they were children? Did any of you have moms who walked out on you and left you high and dry like that? One of her friends was adopted by her stepfather - and then her biological mother walked out on her, and her stepdad raised her alone! I think he deserves a medal.

If you have a mom who was abusive, or a diagnosed BPD or another diagnosed severe mental disorder like that, I can understand your wanting to keep your distance. I encountered a lot of dysfunctional crazies among the school parents when my kid was growing up. But disliking your mom because she tried to steer you, but with love and not with malice? Uh, okay. Whatever. Just be glad your mom never walked out on you to go find herself. At least give her some basic credit for hanging in there with the midnight feedings and the all-nighters dealing with your illnesses, protecting you from danger and trying to guide you as you made big life choices, putting you first in her life and pouring all her love and effort into trying to raise you right. That's what life comes down to, and it's awfully selfish to write it all off as if it was no skin off your mom's nose.

Yeah, no. She didn't walk out, so she deserves a medal? Hardly. Bare. Minimum.

Oh, and if she didn't beat you or starve you, hell, erect a statue on the town square in her honor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know, and how can you judge? If you haven’t been parented by a narcissist, you have no idea what it’s like.

I know because they tell me why their mothers are so "terrible." It's truly, truly silly. And for the record I'm in my 30s, this is not a case of me being a boomer who is reaping what she sowed.

[Anonymous]

I do think in part on a family forum you are more likely to hear from people with problems than not, isn't that the reason for a forum like this. Do posters really believe we will all go on here and rave about how great everything is?

Second I think my parents generation didn't get help so they continued the same dysfunctional behaviour whereas I feel later generations received the message that getting help is not only ok but good, so when they see behaviours that are hurtful and damaging they try to educate themselves and either find a solution or protect themselves. This will only increase as education on toxic behaviour becomes more mainstream.

Then when they raise their own children they do so with new knowledge on breaking those dysfunctional patterns and so the relationship they have with their own children will be different to the one they had with their parents.