How do I get my family to stop sending unwanted gifts?

[Anonymous]

If they insist on sending something, suggest that coffee, spices or special treats are always a hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people‘s love language is giving gifts. It brings them joy. So I would take a picture of everything boxed up going to Goodwill to remind them of your preference, how gifts are going to waste and then if they do it again let it go and let it be.

This is obnoxious. If it brings them joy, let them have their joy. Donate quietly or do something to steer them towards gifts you would enjoy. A dinner, an art class, etc.

[Anonymous]

Donate the stuff you don’t want. Either give it to friends who actually want it or else donate to charity. Tell your family you are out of room and do not want any more things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family has had an official policy of no gifts for adults at Christmas. We have a big family (four adult siblings, my parents, plus everyone is married and has kids, so obviously everyone has ILs as well), so this policy is a great relief to me -- the stress of trying to buy gifts for everyone was so much, especially since we live far from everyone and had to have everything shipped. So now we just do small gifts for the children and send cards.

But every year, my parents and my older brother violate the policy and send us gifts. We have asked several time that they stop. They think it's a question of feeling like we need to reciprocate and tell us we don't need to send anything. It is partly that -- I feel weird accepting gifts when we did not plan to send anything. And if we do send something to reciprocate, that is also weird because we are not sending anything to other family members so it feels very uneven.

But it's also that we specifically don't want these gifts. We live in a small apartment. They constantly send us housewares and decor we don't have room for and that do not go with anything in our house. This year we received huge cocktail glasses from my brother AND huge Christmas-themed coffee mugs from my parents. We don't have room for any of them, nor did we need them at all. In previous years we have received large kitchen unitaskers, framed art, and other items that we don't know what to do with.

How do I stop this? I have asked multiple times but they keep coming. Most of these things wind up on the floor of my bedroom closet because we don't have anywhere to put them but I feel guilty getting rid of them. The floor is now overflowing and now I have all this novelty drinkware... what do I do? I love them but I do not understand why they won't just do the thing we all agree to do. It stresses me out every year. Help!

In my apt. building there's a table in the laundry room. Often there's an item or several items left on the table with a sign saying help yourself. Usually someone moving or unwanted gifts. Got some great stuff that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people‘s love language is giving gifts. It brings them joy. So I would take a picture of everything boxed up going to Goodwill to remind them of your preference, how gifts are going to waste and then if they do it again let it go and let it be.

That third sentence was not what I expected after the first two.

NP and I had the same reaction! I had thought they were aiming for compassion, but then the floor dropped out! 😁

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the BS about someone's love language and the idea that people who give gifts when you have asked them not to are generous. They are disrespecting boundaries. They are also contributing more off gassing junk to your home and to landfills if nobody wants it when you donate it. If someone says "please don't kiss me and you keep kissing them I think we all understand that is creepy as hell. Well when people repeatedly ask you to stop giving gifts and you ignore it, it is creepy and not generous.

I have a family member with personality issues who gives endless lousy gifts. She is actually not a nice person, but she tries to buy love perhaps to make up for poor behavior. I tried being polite and setting the boundary. I tried all sorts of tactics here. I finally told her I cannot control her behavior, but we do not want these things and she is creating work for me donating them. I said all we want from her is pleasant interactions and to stop trying to draw us into all her dramas. I also said we care about the environment and all of this stuff is bad for it. She did not stop. I no longer say thank you. I simply put it in a bad in out storage room and save it for the next time I give donations. She tries to engage and guilt trip about her gifts and I no longer engage. It is so sad that early on my kids have learned gifts aren't always selfless acts. If she so much as gave them a dollar store item she expected the moon from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the BS about someone's love language and the idea that people who give gifts when you have asked them not to are generous. They are disrespecting boundaries. They are also contributing more off gassing junk to your home and to landfills if nobody wants it when you donate it. If someone says "please don't kiss me and you keep kissing them I think we all understand that is creepy as hell. Well when people repeatedly ask you to stop giving gifts and you ignore it, it is creepy and not generous.

I have a family member with personality issues who gives endless lousy gifts. She is actually not a nice person, but she tries to buy love perhaps to make up for poor behavior. I tried being polite and setting the boundary. I tried all sorts of tactics here. I finally told her I cannot control her behavior, but we do not want these things and she is creating work for me donating them. I said all we want from her is pleasant interactions and to stop trying to draw us into all her dramas. I also said we care about the environment and all of this stuff is bad for it. She did not stop. I no longer say thank you. I simply put it in a bad in out storage room and save it for the next time I give donations. She tries to engage and guilt trip about her gifts and I no longer engage. It is so sad that early on my kids have learned gifts aren't always selfless acts. If she so much as gave them a dollar store item she expected the moon from them.

ITA. I also agree that sometimes the gifts are a way of trying to make up for shi**y behavior and win favor, but really it ends up being a continuation of complete disregard for other people's feelings and needs and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Just donate the gifts. How can you possibly not know this?

[Anonymous]

I do empathize with the chronic over-gifters. Most of them felt "less than" as children, either because they were poor, or they were neglected/abused/unloved, or most likely both. And then they got to a point where they were more financially well off and able to buy things. And then for their entire lives, they were manipulated by the media and marketing and collective society to believe that buying things can fill that hole they have inside them - to no longer feel "less than", to feel loved. That giving and receiving gifts can take the place of real love and is real love. That it can fill that void they have inside them that they felt when they were children, and has stayed with them through adulthood. It gives them the feeling of control because they can buy whatever they want to fill that void, to buy love.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is, you can make requests, but what someone else chooses to do is ultimately out of your hands. So you have to work with what your situation is rather than what you wish it was.

I say this as someone who has been in your shoes. I was raised that gifts were sentimental objects, so it was hard but necessary to rearrange my thinking to understand that I could love the well-wishes while still passing the objects themselves along to people who could make better use of them.

I have a MIL who always felt slighted growing up except for her grandmother who gave her special treats when she could. Fast forward, she is wealthy, loves her grandchildren dearly, and wants to embody the magical grandma that she had, and she really goes overboard with the gifts. Instead of an art kit and a bag of dd's favorite candy as a surprise when they visit, it's a suitcase full of markers and crayons and 10 pounds of the candy, all for one child.

So we thank her, and then when they leave, we share these treasures with our local women's shelter. And so on. We have a tiny home, more than we will ever need, and feel lucky to be able to have so much extra to share with those who aren't on the receiving end of things like us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do empathize with the chronic over-gifters. Most of them felt "less than" as children, either because they were poor, or they were neglected/abused/unloved, or most likely both. And then they got to a point where they were more financially well off and able to buy things. And then for their entire lives, they were manipulated by the media and marketing and collective society to believe that buying things can fill that hole they have inside them - to no longer feel "less than", to feel loved. That giving and receiving gifts can take the place of real love and is real love. That it can fill that void they have inside them that they felt when they were children, and has stayed with them through adulthood. It gives them the feeling of control because they can buy whatever they want to fill that void, to buy love.

I don't know if there is research on the topic, but my experience with over-gifters is not that at all. They did not grow up poor and deprived. In the few cases I know they are self-absorbed people who behave poorly and try to manipulate with lousy gifts with strings.They do not inform you the junk has strings either so it's a double crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just donate the gifts. How can you possibly not know this?

Not OP, but we really need to get out of the mentality that isn't NBD to keep buying junk and imposing it on others. Climate change is real. Some of this is junk that absolutely nobody wants. It would be nice if these "givers" understand the true gift is being a kind and lovely person, not doing a junk dump on someone who asked you to stop repeatedly. The landfills are overflowing with crap. Just stop. I think it needs to become more socially acceptable to just not accept it at all and let them figure out what to do with it or hopefully stop. When someone asks you to stop giving gifts and you continue, you are not a big hearted person or some overly giving person who is unappreciated. It's obnoxious behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just donate the gifts. How can you possibly not know this?

Not OP, but we really need to get out of the mentality that isn't NBD to keep buying junk and imposing it on others. Climate change is real. Some of this is junk that absolutely nobody wants. It would be nice if these "givers" understand the true gift is being a kind and lovely person, not doing a junk dump on someone who asked you to stop repeatedly. The landfills are overflowing with crap. Just stop. I think it needs to become more socially acceptable to just not accept it at all and let them figure out what to do with it or hopefully stop. When someone asks you to stop giving gifts and you continue, you are not a big hearted person or some overly giving person who is unappreciated. It's obnoxious behavior.

Right, but if they send it anyway, they send it anyway. I'm 100% with you that they SHOULD listen and that our climate is in dire need of relief, but what real recourse can there be? Unless you make it a law that you can't give people unsolicited gifts (to create an actual penalty for sending unwanted things), there's not much you can do except return or share what they send. I suppose you can always keep making the same request - it's probably no more obnoxious than them continuing to ignore it. And when you send your thank you note, you could be very frank: Thank you for the snow cone machine and case of flavored syrups - it was so thoughtful! Since our 10x5' kitchen is already completely full, we decided to share your generous gift with toys for tots. Love, Pruney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just donate the gifts. How can you possibly not know this?

Not OP, but we really need to get out of the mentality that isn't NBD to keep buying junk and imposing it on others. Climate change is real. Some of this is junk that absolutely nobody wants. It would be nice if these "givers" understand the true gift is being a kind and lovely person, not doing a junk dump on someone who asked you to stop repeatedly. The landfills are overflowing with crap. Just stop. I think it needs to become more socially acceptable to just not accept it at all and let them figure out what to do with it or hopefully stop. When someone asks you to stop giving gifts and you continue, you are not a big hearted person or some overly giving person who is unappreciated. It's obnoxious behavior.

Agree with you. The whole "donation" option has given people an faux ethical excuse to keep up the whole excessive consumption cycle and continue destroying the earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just donate the gifts. How can you possibly not know this?

Not OP, but we really need to get out of the mentality that isn't NBD to keep buying junk and imposing it on others. Climate change is real. Some of this is junk that absolutely nobody wants. It would be nice if these "givers" understand the true gift is being a kind and lovely person, not doing a junk dump on someone who asked you to stop repeatedly. The landfills are overflowing with crap. Just stop. I think it needs to become more socially acceptable to just not accept it at all and let them figure out what to do with it or hopefully stop. When someone asks you to stop giving gifts and you continue, you are not a big hearted person or some overly giving person who is unappreciated. It's obnoxious behavior.

Agree with you. The whole "donation" option has given people an faux ethical excuse to keep up the whole excessive consumption cycle and continue destroying the earth.

What do you suggest? (In the case of requests for stopping the gifts being ignored)?