What is required of a sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

You are required to be polite and kind, as we are all required to be to all other human beings.

No one is required to be an emotional punching bag for their siblings. Not "once in a while," not for a day, not for a minute.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the helpful responses. I will work on presenting my response in the most caring way possible. Hopefully he will hear it in the way that I intend. I do want him to get better, and I don't want to write him off, but I am not in a position to help him with the problems he has. I can offer encouragement for him to get the help he needs, but I am just not equipped to provide the level of support that he is asking for from me. I'm truly sorry that he is having a hard time. I just can't be responsible for dealing with it in the manner he wants. He is convinced that he isn't an alcoholic and he is also convinced that no therapist can help him. I don't know what he expects me to do, but I am definitely at my wits end. I appreciate all the advice and relatable stories you have shared.

[Anonymous]

You are not required to be supportive to or even engage with someone who can be verbally abusive. It is not your job to enable and alcoholic. You set your own boundaries and encourage him to get professional help, then applaud him if he does. You cannot save him, he has to save himself and get help.

[Anonymous]

Can you take all that you've written here and send a thoughtful response to him? Something to the effect that you want to be a supportive sibling but there are many things he feels that you can't relate to in your experience or feel unqualified to offer advice on. Remind him that you are happy to listen but when your were not available and he resorted to angry texts and viscous replies you had to put up a boundary to protect yourself. Spell it all out so he knows your side, even if it takes him a while to understand it.

[Anonymous]

Healthy relationships are two-way streets. What does your brother contribute to your sibling relationship? Sounds like nothing. Does he ask about YOU or your life? Probably not because he just sees you as someone he can USE for his own purposes.

[Anonymous]

IMO you are not obligated to have any relationship with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. Once he started sending you nasty texts after you asked him to stop, he showed you what he thinks of your boundaries.

If you say "I won't take your calls or texts: stop contacting me" and then continue to engage--even just to re-send that message--you are showing him that your boundaries are not firm. He is getting something out of this pursuit of your support.

If you are committed to the possibility of a relationship, you could tell him you need some time away from the relationship and you will contact him in X weeks, but please do not contact you. If he again disrespects that request, I would block him. Though I would be blocking him already based on his behavior and refusal to respect your wishes regarding contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

NP. Although you absolutely have the right to set boundaries with your brother, and should, you sound very detached and emotionally void. Almost like a clinical observer. You seem unaware of this. Your brother is probably picking up on it and is responding to it (not that he has the right to). It may be worth therapy for you also to discuss the shared childhood trauma. It may be affecting you in ways you don’t realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

NP. Although you absolutely have the right to set boundaries with your brother, and should, you sound very detached and emotionally void. Almost like a clinical observer. You seem unaware of this. Your brother is probably picking up on it and is responding to it (not that he has the right to). It may be worth therapy for you also to discuss the shared childhood trauma. It may be affecting you in ways you don’t realize.

I picked up in the same thing. OP you need to do your own work as well.
Your parents did a number on both if you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you both sound damaged.

My guess is that your brother shielded you from a lot growing up, probably much more than you know. That could be the reason he doesn’t think your support is too much to ask.

He needs AA. At least there should be some empathy there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

NP. Although you absolutely have the right to set boundaries with your brother, and should, you sound very detached and emotionally void. Almost like a clinical observer. You seem unaware of this. Your brother is probably picking up on it and is responding to it (not that he has the right to). It may be worth therapy for you also to discuss the shared childhood trauma. It may be affecting you in ways you don’t realize.

I picked up in the same thing. OP you need to do your own work as well.
Your parents did a number on both if you.

I do think that I have a lower threshold for sustaining emotional abuse due to the family history. I have had to set very firm boundaries with abusive people and am especially wary of people who are toxic for my mental health. From the work that I have done, this is what is healthiest for me. I think this situation is thorny due to the shared history, but I actually think it makes it MORE important for me to have boundaries given the shared problematic history. Some of the patterns that I am seeing from him are definitely echos of experiences I have had with abusive members of our family. I am not ever going to enable those behaviors.

I am very sorry that he is hurting, but it does not change the fact that I am not able to give him the support he needs and I fail to understand how I can be expected to given the nature of our relationship (we are not close at all and have never been). I am looking for advice on how to best maintain an appropriate relationship with a mentally ill sibling without letting it become damaging to either of us. I am trying to describe the situation with as much relevant details as possible. How could I ask this question in an anonymous forum and sound anything but like an emotionally void observer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

NP. Although you absolutely have the right to set boundaries with your brother, and should, you sound very detached and emotionally void. Almost like a clinical observer. You seem unaware of this. Your brother is probably picking up on it and is responding to it (not that he has the right to). It may be worth therapy for you also to discuss the shared childhood trauma. It may be affecting you in ways you don’t realize.

I picked up in the same thing. OP you need to do your own work as well.
Your parents did a number on both if you.

I do think that I have a lower threshold for sustaining emotional abuse due to the family history. I have had to set very firm boundaries with abusive people and am especially wary of people who are toxic for my mental health. From the work that I have done, this is what is healthiest for me. I think this situation is thorny due to the shared history, but I actually think it makes it MORE important for me to have boundaries given the shared problematic history. Some of the patterns that I am seeing from him are definitely echos of experiences I have had with abusive members of our family. I am not ever going to enable those behaviors.

I am very sorry that he is hurting, but it does not change the fact that I am not able to give him the support he needs and I fail to understand how I can be expected to given the nature of our relationship (we are not close at all and have never been). I am looking for advice on how to best maintain an appropriate relationship with a mentally ill sibling without letting it become damaging to either of us. I am trying to describe the situation with as much relevant details as possible. How could I ask this question in an anonymous forum and sound anything but like an emotionally void observer?

No joke, I’m sorry you were both subjected to trauma, but you sound(write) like a robot. Your Original post was hey my brother and I were close we grew up in an abusive family the only time he talks to me is when he goes on these horrible rants etc. and I don’t know how to set firm boundaries boundaries with him but still it’ll be of some type of support.No yo ass just asked ‘what am I obligated to do’. Very numb way of asking.
.
IJS

[Anonymous]

OP, if you have only one sibling, only one brother and you think it is too much to offer him little support, then just think how your world will get smaller when he will be gone. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Many people are here today, gone tomorrow. Cherish all what you have, try to be patient and forgiving and if he is too much to handle, give him some space and tell him he can call again once he will reconsider the way he is addressing you because however you want to continue to support him, you also won't let him to abuse you in any way, not subject to negotiations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

NP. Although you absolutely have the right to set boundaries with your brother, and should, you sound very detached and emotionally void. Almost like a clinical observer. You seem unaware of this. Your brother is probably picking up on it and is responding to it (not that he has the right to). It may be worth therapy for you also to discuss the shared childhood trauma. It may be affecting you in ways you don’t realize.

I picked up in the same thing. OP you need to do your own work as well.
Your parents did a number on both if you.

I do think that I have a lower threshold for sustaining emotional abuse due to the family history. I have had to set very firm boundaries with abusive people and am especially wary of people who are toxic for my mental health. From the work that I have done, this is what is healthiest for me. I think this situation is thorny due to the shared history, but I actually think it makes it MORE important for me to have boundaries given the shared problematic history. Some of the patterns that I am seeing from him are definitely echos of experiences I have had with abusive members of our family. I am not ever going to enable those behaviors.

I am very sorry that he is hurting, but it does not change the fact that I am not able to give him the support he needs and I fail to understand how I can be expected to given the nature of our relationship (we are not close at all and have never been). I am looking for advice on how to best maintain an appropriate relationship with a mentally ill sibling without letting it become damaging to either of us. I am trying to describe the situation with as much relevant details as possible. How could I ask this question in an anonymous forum and sound anything but like an emotionally void observer?

I think you should share the "work you have done". Not to justify yourself to him, but to show him an example of what might help him.

Is it possible that he was abused more than you, like sexually for example? Have you asked him directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

NP. Although you absolutely have the right to set boundaries with your brother, and should, you sound very detached and emotionally void. Almost like a clinical observer. You seem unaware of this. Your brother is probably picking up on it and is responding to it (not that he has the right to). It may be worth therapy for you also to discuss the shared childhood trauma. It may be affecting you in ways you don’t realize.

I picked up in the same thing. OP you need to do your own work as well.
Your parents did a number on both if you.

I do think that I have a lower threshold for sustaining emotional abuse due to the family history. I have had to set very firm boundaries with abusive people and am especially wary of people who are toxic for my mental health. From the work that I have done, this is what is healthiest for me. I think this situation is thorny due to the shared history, but I actually think it makes it MORE important for me to have boundaries given the shared problematic history. Some of the patterns that I am seeing from him are definitely echos of experiences I have had with abusive members of our family. I am not ever going to enable those behaviors.

I am very sorry that he is hurting, but it does not change the fact that I am not able to give him the support he needs and I fail to understand how I can be expected to given the nature of our relationship (we are not close at all and have never been). I am looking for advice on how to best maintain an appropriate relationship with a mentally ill sibling without letting it become damaging to either of us. I am trying to describe the situation with as much relevant details as possible. How could I ask this question in an anonymous forum and sound anything but like an emotionally void observer?

OP, I'm the PP with a sister similar to your brother. These PPs sound like they mean well, but they're also not respecting your boundaries (offering unsolicited opinions beyond your very specific--and appropriately so--question).

You need to take care of yourself and your family, first and foremost. Decide, ideally, how you would like your relationship with your brother to look, acknowledging you don't have total control over that. Decide what you are and are not willing to do to support him. Occasional financial help? Contact via email? etc. That can be fluid, too, as the situation changes. Then, set those boundaries (tell him what you expect and what you won't tolerate) and hold them.

PPs may not want to acknowledge it, but in abusive, dysfunctional families, hard choices need to be made. You are allowed to prioritize your and your family's health over your brother's (yes, even though he's your brother). For me, it came down to prioritizing my own children and spouse over my sibling; I won't apologize for that. What happened in your family sounds painful--you survived, and now, as an adult, you can live your life as you want to. You sound like you're trying to do right by your brother while staying true to yourself, which is a laudable goal. Hold onto that, and seek your own support as needed. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I get that you need to set boundaries for yourself, but can't they be more than all or nothing? Next time he calls, say I have about 20 minutes before I have a work call, a Zoom with my inlaws, whatever.

Listen for 20 minutes, then say, "Joe, it was nice to hear from you, I am sorry you are having a tough time, but I need to go for my work call."