What is required of a sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

NP. Although you absolutely have the right to set boundaries with your brother, and should, you sound very detached and emotionally void. Almost like a clinical observer. You seem unaware of this. Your brother is probably picking up on it and is responding to it (not that he has the right to). It may be worth therapy for you also to discuss the shared childhood trauma. It may be affecting you in ways you don’t realize.

I picked up in the same thing. OP you need to do your own work as well.
Your parents did a number on both if you.

I do think that I have a lower threshold for sustaining emotional abuse due to the family history. I have had to set very firm boundaries with abusive people and am especially wary of people who are toxic for my mental health. From the work that I have done, this is what is healthiest for me. I think this situation is thorny due to the shared history, but I actually think it makes it MORE important for me to have boundaries given the shared problematic history. Some of the patterns that I am seeing from him are definitely echos of experiences I have had with abusive members of our family. I am not ever going to enable those behaviors.

I am very sorry that he is hurting, but it does not change the fact that I am not able to give him the support he needs and I fail to understand how I can be expected to given the nature of our relationship (we are not close at all and have never been). I am looking for advice on how to best maintain an appropriate relationship with a mentally ill sibling without letting it become damaging to either of us. I am trying to describe the situation with as much relevant details as possible. How could I ask this question in an anonymous forum and sound anything but like an emotionally void observer?

No joke, I’m sorry you were both subjected to trauma, but you sound(write) like a robot. Your Original post was hey my brother and I were close we grew up in an abusive family the only time he talks to me is when he goes on these horrible rants etc. and I don’t know how to set firm boundaries boundaries with him but still it’ll be of some type of support.No yo ass just asked ‘what am I obligated to do’. Very numb way of asking.
.
IJS

NP. You sound mentally ill yourself.

OP, ignore this person who obviously has issues and is not interested in helping.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation. This post makes me sad. I empathize with your brother, though his behavior is not okay. I am guessing (maybe I'm projecting) that he is just sort of coming to terms with how he has "no family" and he is making a last ditch effort to find family in you.

My sister and I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and it all totally fell apart (parents divorce, mom's severe mental illness) when we were in our mid 20's. I tried to latch onto my sister as family even though we were never close. It backfired on me, not surprisingly.

Are you interested in having any relationship with your brother? If so, I would tell him that clearly, but say that what's been happening lately is too much for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone for the helpful responses. I will work on presenting my response in the most caring way possible. Hopefully he will hear it in the way that I intend. I do want him to get better, and I don't want to write him off, but I am not in a position to help him with the problems he has. I can offer encouragement for him to get the help he needs, but I am just not equipped to provide the level of support that he is asking for from me. I'm truly sorry that he is having a hard time. I just can't be responsible for dealing with it in the manner he wants. He is convinced that he isn't an alcoholic and he is also convinced that no therapist can help him. I don't know what he expects me to do, but I am definitely at my wits end. I appreciate all the advice and relatable stories you have shared.

You need to take care of you, and from this post it seems you're pretty clear on what you need to do that. You're hung up on your "responsibility" to him as a sister. There is no such thing. No such contract. You get to decide what the responsibility is. You get to decide how much you want to be involved or not. Sounds like you're pretty clear on what you can handle, now own that and don't waste any more time feeling guilty about it.

Also remember that nothing you do or decide now with relation to your brother is a permanent decision. What you've been doing isn't working for you so only a martyr would keep doing it and expect a different outcome. Set your boundaries, be firm, and reassess if it makes sense to later.