What is required of a sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

My older brother and I have never been close. Never gotten along at all, really. He's about 5 years older. We don't have common friends or interests. He's actually really a pain in the butt. He's antagonistic, argumentative and an alcoholic. We are not estranged, but only see each other at family gatherings and exchange cursory Christmas and Birthday gifts. Pretty standard not-close sibling interactions.

However, we come from a pretty problematic and abusive family and he is having (has been having) a very hard time dealing with that. Somehow over the course of the last few years, he has decided that I should be his emotional support when he is having negative episodes. He calls me every few months and keeps me on the phone for hours talking about how awful he is, how he can never get better, etc. I try to be supportive by always answering the phone and making suggestions on how he can try to improve his situation, but he really just wants to argue with me and tell me how hopeless he is and how much of a jerk i am for suggesting otherwise. It's not a productive conversation, but it generally ends after a few hours. He never interacts with me outside of these calls other than standard family get togethers as mentioned above. Recently I didn't answer the phone when he called and rather than keeping me on the phone for a few hours as usual, he proceeded to send viciously mean text messages to me over the course of the following few hours. As a result, the next day I emailed to inform him that I will not take his calls and I will not respond to any texts and have requested that he not contact me by phone. He has not respected that request and has made a few attempts to text/call me over the last few months. I have not responded, but have re-sent the email with my request noting that I will not be communicating with him via phone/text and that he should stop contacting me using those methods. He replied with a letter "apologizing" for his behavior by explaining that he is the victim of his childhood trauma and that he is upset with me because I am not giving him the support that he thinks I should be giving him. Basically blaming everyone else for his terrible behavior and not actually doing anything to change it. It does not make me want to talk to him, but I also don't want to cut him off completely as that would just be awkward for the whole family. I just want to be a standard, not-close sibling.

My question is... what is my responsibility here? For some reason he has decided that I am responsible for being his emotional support even though we certainly do NOT have that sort of relationship and I have exactly zero interest in being in that position. How do I get him to understand that his mental health needs are not my responsibility without destroying the entire sibling relationship?

[Anonymous]

You sound awful, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

How is that your take on this? Jesus, the guy sounds terrible and OP wants to keep him at arm's length for her own sanity. That's a reasonable boundary.

OP, I think you email him that you are not in a place to be his emotional support and suggest that he find a therapist. And then only interact with him in person.

[Anonymous]

Gently suggest that he find a professional he can talk to because you want to help, but it's obvious you aren't actually making a difference. That's what I would say to your sibling, but I'm a hypocrite because I'm in a similar situation and I grit my teeth and listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gently suggest that he find a professional he can talk to because you want to help, but it's obvious you aren't actually making a difference. That's what I would say to your sibling, but I'm a hypocrite because I'm in a similar situation and I grit my teeth and listen.

I'd let him rant for a while, then ask him what he's planning to do about it. If he just goes back to self-flagellation (which is a kind of excuse-making -- he blames himself and says its hopeless, and that way he doesn't have to do any of the work of fixing anything), then suggest that he needs professional help because clearly talking to you is not helping him make anything better, and you're not really equipped to provide advice. Repeat ad nauseam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older brother and I have never been close. Never gotten along at all, really. He's about 5 years older. We don't have common friends or interests. He's actually really a pain in the butt. He's antagonistic, argumentative and an alcoholic. We are not estranged, but only see each other at family gatherings and exchange cursory Christmas and Birthday gifts. Pretty standard not-close sibling interactions.

However, we come from a pretty problematic and abusive family and he is having (has been having) a very hard time dealing with that. Somehow over the course of the last few years, he has decided that I should be his emotional support when he is having negative episodes. He calls me every few months and keeps me on the phone for hours talking about how awful he is, how he can never get better, etc. I try to be supportive by always answering the phone and making suggestions on how he can try to improve his situation, but he really just wants to argue with me and tell me how hopeless he is and how much of a jerk i am for suggesting otherwise. It's not a productive conversation, but it generally ends after a few hours. He never interacts with me outside of these calls other than standard family get togethers as mentioned above. Recently I didn't answer the phone when he called and rather than keeping me on the phone for a few hours as usual, he proceeded to send viciously mean text messages to me over the course of the following few hours. As a result, the next day I emailed to inform him that I will not take his calls and I will not respond to any texts and have requested that he not contact me by phone. He has not respected that request and has made a few attempts to text/call me over the last few months. I have not responded, but have re-sent the email with my request noting that I will not be communicating with him via phone/text and that he should stop contacting me using those methods. He replied with a letter "apologizing" for his behavior by explaining that he is the victim of his childhood trauma and that he is upset with me because I am not giving him the support that he thinks I should be giving him. Basically blaming everyone else for his terrible behavior and not actually doing anything to change it. It does not make me want to talk to him, but I also don't want to cut him off completely as that would just be awkward for the whole family. I just want to be a standard, not-close sibling.

My question is... what is my responsibility here? For some reason he has decided that I am responsible for being his emotional support even though we certainly do NOT have that sort of relationship and I have exactly zero interest in being in that position. How do I get him to understand that his mental health needs are not my responsibility without destroying the entire sibling relationship?

My brother is similar but we did end up cutting contact when he got involved in an abusive relationship and started neglecting his kids. To the point I considered calling CPS on him and his new girlfriend (but I didn't). He ended up losing custody of the kids, although he didn't lose visitation.

Anyway, he got arrested for domestic violence and I sent an e-mail encouraging him to take advantage of a program in his county for domestic abuse, to help the abuser (but it's put in gentler terms than this). I was nonjudgmental and told him the family supported him getting to a calmer, less-stressful situation. He called me, screaming, and I hung up on him. He texted back that he just wanted to explain what happened (no need to explain, a police officer saw him hit his gf). I told him no.

It's putting up boundaries and you have every right to protect yourself. If your brother hadn't sent vicious texts I would have said take the calls, within very defined limits. 20 minutes, you just listen, don't try to solve, etc. And encourage him to get a therapist. But you have no obligation to be his crutch. I don't take abuse, verbal or otherwise, and won't take it even from troubled loved ones. It sounds to me like you've done something similar.

[Anonymous]

NP. I don't think the first reply is fair or nice at all. Please ignore that mean remark, OP!

I experienced a very similar situation with now-exDH while we were in the middle of our divorce and understand how draining and unproductive those hours-long phone calls are, and how awful the unrelenting text messages can be.

You will truly be helping your brother the most by putting together a list of mental-health resources and sending it to him with a note saying that you've been reflecting on the nature of your relationship and fear that it is not helping him. Tell him he needs an outside ear, someone who can offer some objectivity and suggestions for coping skills. This is the truth so it's easy to say.

WRT to your responsibility to him as a sibling, no one can really define that relationship except for the two of you. My opinion is that probably one day you and he will be the surviving generation of your family, and it would be nice to have those shared memories with someone else on this earth. Even bad memories are made better if shared with someone else. For that reason, it would be good to try to keep some kind of relationship together, but you don't have to put up with his abuse. You can always block his number for awhile; I don't think he'd know that you blocked him, so you wouldn't see the nasty texts and he wouldn't get a reply that might add fuel to the fire. You can always unblock and reblock as needed.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He calls me every few months and keeps me on the phone for hours talking about how awful he is, how he can never get better, etc. I try to be supportive by always answering the phone and making suggestions on how he can try to improve his situation, but he really just wants to argue with me and tell me how hopeless he is and how much of a jerk i am for suggesting otherwise.

I'd also deal with it by advising that he seek counseling. Clearly, giving he's not really seeking your advice.

Him: "I'm awful, and I can never get better."
You: "I disagree. I think your situation can improve. I'll always love you. But I can't be your counselor--you need to talk to an expert who's outside of the family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

ETA: I don't hate him. I am fine with chatting at family get togethers, discussing needs for supporting our parents, etc. We exchange holiday gifts, etc. I just don't understand how being his younger sibling requires me to be his emotional support when he is drunk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

I was fine with listening every couple of months until he started verbally attacking me. Now I know that I need some boundaries. My question is, how to set them appropriately and what I am responsible for as his younger sibling.

I don't understand the words "about your own brother" as this is also part of my question. What is the responsibility that siblings have to one another? We have nothing in common (except parents) and have never gotten along or had shared interests, etc. What is the expectation for how I interact with him given these facts.

Why do you have to share interests? You have one thing in common, your parents. I don't understand. Do you think people are only supposed to love their siblings because they have common interests? I really don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you will be happy to reconsider if he quits drinking and works on a sobriety program with support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful, OP.

Really? Why? Because I don't have a close relationship with my brother and I don't want to be responsible for his being his mental health support system when we have little to no other substantive relationship and I have zero professional experience with that type of thing? I should just be at his disposal for emotional outbursts? Is that what my responsibility is? I am honestly asking because I don't understand my role here.

Yes. He's your brother. You can't listen to him once every couple of months? You would really be comfortable just saying, "Not my problem" and moving on -- about your own brother?

NP, and you must have zero experience with a sibling like this and/or poor boundaries yourself. Subjecting yourself to repeated emotional abuse isn’t okay. It doesn’t model healthy boundaries for your sibling or your kids.

OP, I have a sister (my only sibling) who is similarly difficult, if not in exactly the same way as your brother. I used to spend a lot of time supporting her, providing advice, etc., until she and our parents colluded in keeping secrets from me that put my children, my spouse, and me in danger. No more. You may not be at the point yet, but you are under zero obligation to serve as your brother’s punching bag. Hopefully he can realize that over time and with therapy.

I’m really sorry. I find it deeply painful and lonely to have such a difficult sibling, especially when I don’t have any others, and when our parents are difficult, too. I’m mostly used to it, but I’m also deeply envious of people with reasonably functional, close families.