How to have a family when you never meet the right person....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I settled at 37. Nice guy, but not what I imagined. Ended up being a good decision; happily married with 3 great kids 18 years later.

What do you mean by "settle" in your case?

[Anonymous]

I conceived with donor sperm a month before turning 40. Best decision ever. Of course, DC is now 13 and parenting a teenager during COVID is no picnic ... but in the big picture, the last 13 years have been better than I could have imagined.

There certainly are trade-offs -- I have had to step-back, at times, from my career and that is hard. But I might have had to do that if I had been partnered, too.

[Anonymous]

sorry to hear, that sounds like a tough situation. Unfortunately I don't think falling in love, getting married and having children is something that "just happens". Maybe it does for some people but I personally made it a goal of mine and like any goal you have to take steps to achieve it.
I think for women the steps you can are:
(1) make yourself as appealing a partner as possible. Men are visual so improve your appearance as much as possible. Be kind, pleasant, etc, don't create drama where there is none, be a positive and fun person to be around.

(2) be realistic and willing to compromise when choosing a partner. Don't compromise on important foundational things such as kindness, respect and trust. Compromise on unimportant matters such as height, dress sense, maybe they have an annoying family, maybe their earning potential or career doesn't match hers. At the age of 40 there will probably have to be some compromsie when finding a decent man.

(3) be intentional and strategic about meeting a partner. Do online dating on multiple platforms, join an introductions agency, join groups/clubs/churches that are aligned with your interests and also where men congregate e.g. hiking or biking as opposed to a knitting group. Be social and accept all invitations to group gatherings (obviously harder during COVID). Be strategic when dating- don't sleep with them too early, don't ignore red flags, don't waste your time on interactions that are going nowhere e.g. he never calls you. Also don't be afraid to make the first move- I was the one who asked my husband out. The worst they can do is say no.

[Anonymous]

Never found “him.” Was lucky to adopt a newborn in my early-mid 40’s. Totally reinvented my life. At DC’s 4th birthday party, between peers, siblings, and parents, there were 64 people, and I had only known 3 of them 4 years earlier. DC is almost an adult now. I’ve almost “done it.” I can’t imagine how my life would have been without DC. Tell your cousin to go for it. All is not lost.

[Anonymous]

I married young to someone I thought was the one. I was wrong. Just because you think you find the right one- doesn’t mean you actually have found them. So it’s really a crap shoot either way. Pick someone halfway decent who treats you nice and wants the same things. The odds don’t increase if you think you have found “the right one.”

[Anonymous]

So many great posts here. I hope your cousin finds her bliss.

[Anonymous]

Professional matchmaking service

[Anonymous]

I have been married a long time. There has been bad years and happy years. Once you partner up you start to realize that he is not perfect. In fact many a times they are annoying and awkward...so the romantic goggles gets off your eyes very fast. Also, domesticity is not their suit so that becomes a point of contention. Sometimes it seems that they do not know how to be an adult at home.

But what matters in the end is that you pick a decent, good and moral human being who wants to be a husband and a dad. A person from an intact home is more prone to understand that things are not always rosy but divorce is not the answer. And make sure that you do not tolerate in your marriage abuse/addiction/adultery. He can be disappointing and not-very-appealing at times but pick a good human being. Because your success in marriage will depend on all those times when you need the spouse to be a good person. And this kind of person (even if boring, physically unattractive, not a high earner, not the life of the party) will be the one who will do the right thing for you and the kids.

Then you have to find things that make you happy on your own that also does not involve abuse/addiction and adultery. Kids are the super-glue of marriage. Learn to distinguish between pleasure and happiness. Learn not to be bored of your own company.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'll be the first one to say it: Did she actually ask for your help or input?

Because if she didn't you really need to MYOB and STFU about her personal life.

[Anonymous]

Firstly OP you act like getting married and having biological kids is the only thing to measure the success of a person's live.

That is very wrong and very limiting.

A good friend of mine turned 40 and decided to go for sperm donation and now has a very lively tween and a very full life.

That is one option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married a long time. There has been bad years and happy years. Once you partner up you start to realize that he is not perfect. In fact many a times they are annoying and awkward...so the romantic goggles gets off your eyes very fast. Also, domesticity is not their suit so that becomes a point of contention. Sometimes it seems that they do not know how to be an adult at home.

But what matters in the end is that you pick a decent, good and moral human being who wants to be a husband and a dad. A person from an intact home is more prone to understand that things are not always rosy but divorce is not the answer. And make sure that you do not tolerate in your marriage abuse/addiction/adultery. He can be disappointing and not-very-appealing at times but pick a good human being. Because your success in marriage will depend on all those times when you need the spouse to be a good person. And this kind of person (even if boring, physically unattractive, not a high earner, not the life of the party) will be the one who will do the right thing for you and the kids.

Then you have to find things that make you happy on your own that also does not involve abuse/addiction and adultery. Kids are the super-glue of marriage. Learn to distinguish between pleasure and happiness. Learn not to be bored of your own company.

+1
Settling may mean finding “your match” based on the partner qualities that are most important to you. Not every woman can marry an attractive, funny, caring, high-earning, family forward, good cook, good father, good personality, responsible, mature man. That “ideal”man is probably the top 1 percent and everyone woman would yearn for him. Unless you are a drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, witty, thoughtful, good cook, good homemaker while also having a career potential, well read, trust fund woman in the top 1% of woman, you won’t match up with the top 1% of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask ( you might not know) - is she on hormonal birth control? I am wondering because my experience with hormonal birth control (ie killed my desire) made me wonder how many single women on hormonal birth control think they're not meeting "the one," but really their hormonal birth control is just killing their chemistry with men.

Very true!!! I married at 23, but for decades was on birth control to stave off ovarian cysts. It really did a number on our relationship. I am rediscovering myself after finally being off birth control.

[Anonymous]

Realistically, there simply is not enough time left for her to even settle and have a kid. I would go the sperm donor route asap, without a minute to waste, if she wants a biological child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I settled. You only get one go ‘round in life. I nearly gave up on having a family by the time I was in my late 30’s. There was too much wrong with me. Another decade of therapy wouldn’t get me to where I would feel able to “compete” to attract the kind of man that I am as a woman. The PP above has it right....there are just more good, family-minded women out there than there are men, so we have to really step it up to be able to marry without settling, and I couldn’t and was near giving up.

But then my sibling died by suicide and I confronted the reality of my mortality. We only get one go ‘round on this rock. Who gives an award to women who don’t settle? What’s the prize for that? If it brings some women peace to be by themselves rather than settle, that’s great. But I wanted at least a shot at it all...a shot at an imperfect family. A shot at a marriage that might bring happiness.

A decade later, I’m in a bad marriage. Bad. Trying to find my way out of it while doing the least possible damage to our child, who is...he’s everything. He’s sweet and curious and loving and easy and good and cute and more than I could ever, ever have hoped for. I am 50 times happier to be his mother than I ever let myself hope to be. It’s an exquisite pain...to know that I have created a problem by marrying poorly and yet knowing this child is the best thing about my existence on Earth.

So, it’s ugly, and I’m going to hurt him because I effed this up, but I can also never regret the poor choice because the outcome is him.

Life is messy. You can’t do it perfectly. But you gotta be in it to win it, like the old lottery tickets said. This is my one life and I gambled and it went horribly at the same time I hit the jackpot beyond my wildest dreams.

Go for the imperfect. You only get one time ‘round. I’d wish your friend the best of luck and tell her it’s okay to settle if she wants a family.

wow great post.

It really is great.

It perfectly describes where I am in my marriage (after settling) and as a mother. Only I couldn't have been this eloquent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I know "settle" is a bad word around here, but the reality is that finding a perfect partner is not realistic and finding someone you are compatible with just means picking the person whose flaws you can live with. Not someone without any flaws at all.

And for women, finding someone can mean being forward instead of waiting around for men to make the first move.

This. There is no such thing as a soul mate. Find someone whose company you enjoy who has reasonably similar goals and priorities. For me that meant my future husband was smart and hardworking, affable and had lots of long term friendships and was close to his parents and extended family (but not in a creepy obsessive way) and treated me respectfully.