How to have a family when you never meet the right person....

[Anonymous]

Is having a family luck, strategizing, a combination of both?
My cousin is awesome but never met a man who fell in love with her. Isn't it the odds of life that at some point you fall in love?
She never met "that" person. She's 40 and single and never wanted to settle, and never met a guy who wanted to commit - eventually she was OK marrying someone who shared similar values but never met THAT person either.
Her vivacious spirit, her anything can happen I have time optimism, is basically gone and she has become so sad and depressed. COVID isn't helping. What can I do to support her?
She has many friends but they have mainly paired off and have kids, and the single people she's friends with seem to be anti-man.
She was considering adoption but then found it too heartbreaking because she really, really wants a biological child with a partner.

Help me help her?

[Anonymous]

Donor sperm. I know someone who went this route at 35 and she’s never been happier.

[Anonymous]

I know "settle" is a bad word around here, but the reality is that finding a perfect partner is not realistic and finding someone you are compatible with just means picking the person whose flaws you can live with. Not someone without any flaws at all.

And for women, finding someone can mean being forward instead of waiting around for men to make the first move.

[Anonymous]

Donor sperm. Best decision I ever made.

It's not easy parenting solo, but I think about going through this pandemic without the joy my child brings to my life and the happiness of our family of two, and I would have been so sad and depressed. My child is sunshine in this hard time. Knowing I'm taking care of our family has given me purpose. This isn't how I imagined my life turning out, but it's a really good life.

[Anonymous]

I settled. I sort of realized it at the time but the extent of it has been slow to reveal itself fully. I’m not a bad person but I am not attractive and my career is a product of my best work but nothing impressive. It was hard to find a relationship that felt reciprocal or equal, let alone truly fulfilling, and I sensed I never might find one. I have close single friends and am thoughtful, funny, and hard-working, but so are so many other single women. I realized after a while that of the people I knew in college, 20s life, and graduate school that certain kinds of people were pairing off. It was apparent that the kind of person who I hoped I might marry was not really the kind of person that I was “eligible” for. The single women I know who are like me aren’t reaching for the stars and trying to date out of their league. There are just so many more kind, self-supporting women who want partners and children than there are similar men (assuming hetero couples only for the sake of simplicity, sorry).

I love my child and wish I had had the family support and financial success that would have enabled me to have her on my own. Donor sperm PP, I admire and envy you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Donor sperm. Best decision I ever made.

It's not easy parenting solo, but I think about going through this pandemic without the joy my child brings to my life and the happiness of our family of two, and I would have been so sad and depressed. My child is sunshine in this hard time. Knowing I'm taking care of our family has given me purpose. This isn't how I imagined my life turning out, but it's a really good life.

That's wonderful. One of my closest friends who is a choice mom is struggling like crazy during COVID.

More often than not, it's the people that matter more than the situation.

[Anonymous]

I settled 2 times. Kids are great, but I have yet to get rid of the 2nd man and share the kid nicely.
My teachers back at home all found some kind of man from outside the village to have children (local men all drunks and mostly taken, teachers wanted better or nothing). Should have learned from them.

[Anonymous]

Combination. I was married at 23 but I'm a quick romantic decision maker and didn't want to have long term relationships without marriage. We were engaged within 3 months. Very happy and financially stable

[Anonymous]

I settled. You only get one go ‘round in life. I nearly gave up on having a family by the time I was in my late 30’s. There was too much wrong with me. Another decade of therapy wouldn’t get me to where I would feel able to “compete” to attract the kind of man that I am as a woman. The PP above has it right....there are just more good, family-minded women out there than there are men, so we have to really step it up to be able to marry without settling, and I couldn’t and was near giving up.

But then my sibling died by suicide and I confronted the reality of my mortality. We only get one go ‘round on this rock. Who gives an award to women who don’t settle? What’s the prize for that? If it brings some women peace to be by themselves rather than settle, that’s great. But I wanted at least a shot at it all...a shot at an imperfect family. A shot at a marriage that might bring happiness.

A decade later, I’m in a bad marriage. Bad. Trying to find my way out of it while doing the least possible damage to our child, who is...he’s everything. He’s sweet and curious and loving and easy and good and cute and more than I could ever, ever have hoped for. I am 50 times happier to be his mother than I ever let myself hope to be. It’s an exquisite pain...to know that I have created a problem by marrying poorly and yet knowing this child is the best thing about my existence on Earth.

So, it’s ugly, and I’m going to hurt him because I effed this up, but I can also never regret the poor choice because the outcome is him.

Life is messy. You can’t do it perfectly. But you gotta be in it to win it, like the old lottery tickets said. This is my one life and I gambled and it went horribly at the same time I hit the jackpot beyond my wildest dreams.

Go for the imperfect. You only get one time ‘round. I’d wish your friend the best of luck and tell her it’s okay to settle if she wants a family.

[Anonymous]

I was a single Mom it's not an easy path. Does she have a dog? There is more than having kids. In fact they show it decreases happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I settled. You only get one go ‘round in life. I nearly gave up on having a family by the time I was in my late 30’s. There was too much wrong with me. Another decade of therapy wouldn’t get me to where I would feel able to “compete” to attract the kind of man that I am as a woman. The PP above has it right....there are just more good, family-minded women out there than there are men, so we have to really step it up to be able to marry without settling, and I couldn’t and was near giving up.

But then my sibling died by suicide and I confronted the reality of my mortality. We only get one go ‘round on this rock. Who gives an award to women who don’t settle? What’s the prize for that? If it brings some women peace to be by themselves rather than settle, that’s great. But I wanted at least a shot at it all...a shot at an imperfect family. A shot at a marriage that might bring happiness.

A decade later, I’m in a bad marriage. Bad. Trying to find my way out of it while doing the least possible damage to our child, who is...he’s everything. He’s sweet and curious and loving and easy and good and cute and more than I could ever, ever have hoped for. I am 50 times happier to be his mother than I ever let myself hope to be. It’s an exquisite pain...to know that I have created a problem by marrying poorly and yet knowing this child is the best thing about my existence on Earth.

So, it’s ugly, and I’m going to hurt him because I effed this up, but I can also never regret the poor choice because the outcome is him.

Life is messy. You can’t do it perfectly. But you gotta be in it to win it, like the old lottery tickets said. This is my one life and I gambled and it went horribly at the same time I hit the jackpot beyond my wildest dreams.

Go for the imperfect. You only get one time ‘round. I’d wish your friend the best of luck and tell her it’s okay to settle if she wants a family.

wow great post.

[Anonymous]

agree. I think I settled also. didn't have many choices, was 37, wanted a child, started to do donor sperm and had infertility issues--never mind that my parents threatened to disown me instead of supporting me emotionally if not financially (they were well off, I am highly educated)

not sorry that I settled (its year 20 something of the marriage) but its not a great marriage and it may not last too much longer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I settled. You only get one go ‘round in life. I nearly gave up on having a family by the time I was in my late 30’s. There was too much wrong with me. Another decade of therapy wouldn’t get me to where I would feel able to “compete” to attract the kind of man that I am as a woman. The PP above has it right....there are just more good, family-minded women out there than there are men, so we have to really step it up to be able to marry without settling, and I couldn’t and was near giving up.

But then my sibling died by suicide and I confronted the reality of my mortality. We only get one go ‘round on this rock. Who gives an award to women who don’t settle? What’s the prize for that? If it brings some women peace to be by themselves rather than settle, that’s great. But I wanted at least a shot at it all...a shot at an imperfect family. A shot at a marriage that might bring happiness.

A decade later, I’m in a bad marriage. Bad. Trying to find my way out of it while doing the least possible damage to our child, who is...he’s everything. He’s sweet and curious and loving and easy and good and cute and more than I could ever, ever have hoped for. I am 50 times happier to be his mother than I ever let myself hope to be. It’s an exquisite pain...to know that I have created a problem by marrying poorly and yet knowing this child is the best thing about my existence on Earth.

So, it’s ugly, and I’m going to hurt him because I effed this up, but I can also never regret the poor choice because the outcome is him.

Life is messy. You can’t do it perfectly. But you gotta be in it to win it, like the old lottery tickets said. This is my one life and I gambled and it went horribly at the same time I hit the jackpot beyond my wildest dreams.

Go for the imperfect. You only get one time ‘round. I’d wish your friend the best of luck and tell her it’s okay to settle if she wants a family.

wow great post.

+1,000 this is so true about so many elements of life. Thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask ( you might not know) - is she on hormonal birth control? I am wondering because my experience with hormonal birth control (ie killed my desire) made me wonder how many single women on hormonal birth control think they're not meeting "the one," but really their hormonal birth control is just killing their chemistry with men.

[Anonymous]

I settled at 37. Nice guy, but not what I imagined. Ended up being a good decision; happily married with 3 great kids 18 years later.