Missing intimacy with sick husband
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Anonymous
The stupidest people in the world run their lives based on what “advice columnists” have to say. I’m sorry your bar for moral and intellectual judgment is so low. |
Anonymous
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My spouse has a chronic incurable illness and I understand your situation, OP.
I suggest talking to your DH. Maybe intimacy can take alternative forms or if not, he would be ok with opening the marriage. I don’t hear from you that you want a divorce but you miss sex. Someone above referred to advice from columnists. I agree with them. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Hopefully DHs now chronic stomach pain issues can be treated after his endoscopy in a few weeks. It’s not so much waiting for sex, it’s how he reacts when I express sadness that I miss intimacy. When I say that, he yells and tries to shut me down as I’m crazy for even thinking of it. If he said, “ I’m sorry baby, I miss it too.” I’d just hug him and move on.
I feel like he throws temper tantrums and emotionally abuses me and takes his frustrations out on me. |
Anonymous
Right? Get thee a trusty vibrator. |
Anonymous
I'm in a chronic illness/ caretaker relationship too. Physical intimacy goes in waves and there are periods of turbulent times that stretch on for far too long. I agree with you that feeling like you're in the situation together helps, but it's tough when one partner feels responsible. I think what you're hearing out loud is a lot of self-loathing, you just step on the trigger. What you wrote is the message that you want to share, but I understand you can't get to that part of the message when the reaction to you initiating the conversation is zero to 60. He probably doesn't understand you're trying to get to a point, and just see it as you continuing to bring up a painful/hurtful subject, so he feels defensive, like he got the message the first time. So, instead of trying to talk again, and triggering the same response try writing him a note. He can control when, and if he continues reading it, and it may be less triggering. If possible, lean more on missing him, and sharing the connection with him, than sentiments that stress abandonment. Thank him for taking care of his health (the fact he's getting the test/treatment is great) |
Anonymous
MH has a chronic, incurable illness and I understand where you’re coming from. Have either of you had therapy? Your H’s response sounds a lot my MH’s. We started individual and marriage counseling and it has helped immensely. I understand you missing the intimacy and I understand not being able to have a complete conversation about it. It’s a very hard situation that people just don’t understand unless they’ve been there too. If he’s unable or unwilling to start therapy right now, it would still be very beneficial to start your own in my opinion. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP, it’s not cool that he gets angry, but could part of it also be his frustration with the situation? Men are cultured very much to “be a man” and “being a man” = taking care of your wife sexually. His illness is emasculating him and he might feel even worse when you’re pinpointing it.
I’m not saying that you should try to discuss it, but maybe consider that his reactions are coming from a place of deep hurt. Counselling may not be a bad idea, even just for you, if he won’t go. |
Anonymous
I’m pregnant. I feel awful. I don’t want to have sex. My husband misses intimacy. You know who’s the right person to talk to about how this makes him feel? NOT ME. You’re going through something hard but I guarantee he’s going through something harder. Don’t make him medical condition about your feelings. Get your physical intimacy in ways that work for him (cuddles, kisses, whatever) and deal with being horny. |
Anonymous
In front of him, let him guide.... |
Anonymous
+1 He's probably embarrassed and sad. |
Anonymous
Disagree 100%. If you are so selfish as to decide that all forms of sexual relief are off the table for a year+ until YOU are feeling horny again, sorry but that's just a crappy partner and that I would not want to be monogamous marriage with. |
Anonymous
I’m willing to suck it up a couple of times a week but turns out my husband isn’t into causing me serious pain so he can get his rocks off! We knew what we were signing up for, this isn’t our first kid, and we’ll be back to normal eventually. I’m glad I’m not married to you because we don’t sound compatible. |
Anonymous
he feels guilty and you are striking a sore nerve. |
Anonymous
Exactly what are you doing where intimacy cause you serious pain? Agree we should not be married because it sounds like you have an extreeeemly limited and selfish view of sexual intimacy. |
Anonymous
Yeah. That would suck. It is hard being chronically ill. It really ravages your mind as well as your body. But that doesn't mean you can just keep treating people close to you badly. I wonder if you could address this in a time when he's feeling better-assuming it waxes and wanes and isn't there all the time. I assume you've told him this--that you would even feel better if you understood he was missing that intimacy too? There is no bad guy in this situation, but your husband isn't being fair to you emotionally. I hope he gets better. If not, you might need to go to some therapy to discuss the issue--not even so much the sex, but getting mad at you for wanting it. It's normal to want sex. It's also normal not to when you feel bad...especially stomach issues? But, if this has been going on now for a long period of time, he needs to think about your needs to. |