I wish I’d had kids sooner

[Anonymous]

I would have loved to have had kids but it wasn't meant to be (thanks cheating XH with the weak a** sperm) so how about you appreciate that you got not one but THREE and stop whining.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not that old. Focus on trying to be as healthy as possible for your younger ones. I had kids at 29, 31 and 34 and my parents were 57 when I had the first. I am very happy they are young and completely able to take care of them.
My SIL’s (brother’s wife) parents are the same age As my parents and mom is blind with autoimmune disease; the grandpa has knees and shoulders problem. They are unable to take care of their 2 year old grand daughter.
This to say that 60 or even 70 can look very different. If you are healthy and strong, you will be a “better” grandma than a 10 year younger one with bad health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an old parent myself, maybe this framing would help - if I'd had kids sooner, they would be *different* kids. Maybe they would be better. But there's also a chance they would have been worse. Loss aversion means I'm going to stick with what I've got.

And you know, your lack of a time machine means you have no choice, so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

I’m 36

I have friends my age who look great and are doing triathlons (pre-Covid.) I also have friends my age who have grey hair, big bellies and look old enough to be my parents.

Starting in your mid-twenties, and definitely after 35 health is a lot about how you take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Go to the dentist for a cleaning every 6 months. Get your physical. There’s a lot that’s out of our control, but there is a big component to aging and health that you CAN control. Focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have loved to have had kids but it wasn't meant to be (thanks cheating XH with the weak a** sperm) so how about you appreciate that you got not one but THREE and stop whining.

Why not go to a sperm bank? You can do it on your own. You can also adopt but that’s a more complicated road for most people.

My point is: YOU have choices.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to remember, OP, that often the feeling of anxiety comes first, and then your brain subconsciously casts about for something to hang that anxiety on.

Before you invest any more time in going down your current thought path, try to step back and see the bigger picture. Work your way up Maslows Hierarchy of Needs until you hit the stuff you’re missing, then try to actively bring those things back into your life.

[Anonymous]

Many of your friendships will come about through your children and many of those parents will be 5-10 years younger than you. That’s a good thing! Soto our friends are 5-10 years younger than us and it’s great. Much better than hanging out with people ten years older. When you are 60 would you like to hang out with 50 years olds or 70 year olds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this post was going to be about how you wished you had tried earlier because you were unable to have children now. Your glass is half full OP.

+1. I wished I started having kids earlier because I found out I have premature ovarian failure at 36 and couldn’t have a second. None of us have crystal balls, OP, we do the best we can and don’t dwell on the things we can’t change.

Just wanted to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had the same diagnosis at 38 and it put a wrench in our plans to try for another child. I so wish I had started having kids sooner, but I try to focus on gratitude for what I do have. Sending hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wouldn’t have the wonderful kids you have today if you had them younger.

Now get your head out of your @ss and stop ruminating on stuff you cannot change.

This so much! I'm an older mom and whenever I start thinking about whether I should have had kids earlier, I realize immediately that I would never change anything because I then would not have these kids that I love and adore so much! It's perfect the way it is. These are the kids I was meant to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this post was going to be about how you wished you had tried earlier because you were unable to have children now. Your glass is half full OP.

+1. I wished I started having kids earlier because I found out I have premature ovarian failure at 36 and couldn’t have a second. None of us have crystal balls, OP, we do the best we can and don’t dwell on the things we can’t change.

Just wanted to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you. I had the same diagnosis at 38 and it put a wrench in our plans to try for another child. I so wish I had started having kids sooner, but I try to focus on gratitude for what I do have. Sending hugs!

Thanks and hugs to you too! Life can certainly throw curve balls, huh? Hope you’re in a place of contentment and acceptance now.

[Anonymous]

I firmly believe you have the kids you are meant to have ( or not as is my case) and it doesn't matter when you start.

[Anonymous]

I adopted my kids as a single mom when I was 40 and 43. I wouldn't have these kids if anything had happened sooner, and I could not imagine my life these past 19 years without my kids.

They are especially attached to their grandparents, who are now in their late 80s. We are a very close, very connected family. My kids call and /or see their grandparents every day. My kids are the future of this very small family, and we love each other intensely. Everything seemed to happen the way it was supposed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me too Op.currently 39yo with 2 kids and hoping for a third, but it is feeling unlikely. I think DH would have been more willing if I had pushed for our second sooner and not felt like we were rushing under the wire with a third now. I adore my kids and being a mom. I want to see them grown to full fledged boring adult ages. I’m satisfied with having had my first at 30, but would have liked my second before 37. It is what is at this point.

Mothers of boys, talk to your sons about deciding to have children (or not.) there is sooooo much accepted ambivalence among men. I think this is why there is so frequently a disconnect about the number is children women want vs their husbands. Men don’t start thinking about it till much later in life.

I'm not following you point about sons - can you explain?

[Anonymous]

Op I worry about this too. I had my first at 28 but my last at 37. My mom died at 56 after a 10 year battle with cancer. I know her story does not have to be mines but it is something that is on my mind.

[Anonymous]

And I had kids in my 20s because of birth control failure. We were married, didn’t want to have an abortion for birth control, then we wanted them to be close in age. We could afford it, just not as easily as we would’ve liked. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Now we’re in our 40s with teens trying to figure out high school and college during a pandemic doing virtual learning. Our friends are complaining about how hard virtual 2nd grade math is. I wish that were my kids’ biggest problem. I wish we’d waited, but we didn’t, we can’t change it, so we make do and try our best. That’s about all we can do. Crying over spilled milk never helped anyone.