I can never be genuinely nice to a guy without him or others thinking that I am interested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Being nice and friendly is a mixed signal? If I kept to myself and didn't engage in conversation with people, then I'd be considered mean. Can't win for losing.

This is the truth. Some people will see what they want to. I ended up having to leave a job due to a co-worker who wouldn't stop making advances on me. He thought I was interested despite me repeatedly telling him bluntly to his face and in email that I was not and to back off. He was 10 years older and married but convinced I had feelings for him. Some people are just off and you can't win.

[Anonymous]

You may just be attractive.

When I was young I had a hard time having guy "friends."
They also wanted to date/kiss me, whatever.

I dreaded that conversation, when I had to say I just liked them as a friend.

I did not flirt or dress provocatively. I am nice and smart, and they sought me out.

I am now an old lady, so don't think I am conceited. But this type of unwanted attention happens to young attractive women, through NO fault of their own.

It is like bees to honey, trust me

[Anonymous]

Are you really pretty?

At the risk of sexually stereotyping....are you Latina? Or from the Caribbean? And are you interacting and working with expose who are largely white, waspy types? I’ve noticed my friends who are Latina are often very flirty by more standards with guys they have NO interest in. It’s just how they interact with men. Kinda flirty.

[Anonymous]

Men always read sex into everything. But it could easily be that your coworker is just jealous of your guys' friendship (she could have a crush on this guy) and is trying to make you feel self conscious.

I am very extroverted and talk to everyone and have had this problem again and again. If someone wants to flatter themselves that I have a crush on them, it doesnt bother me. Usually they see that that's my MO with everyone, and any ego boost they may have gotten goes away fast. It's just a part of life when you're nice or friendly to men- it's wishful thinking on their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Being nice and friendly is a mixed signal? If I kept to myself and didn't engage in conversation with people, then I'd be considered mean. Can't win for losing.

This is the truth. Some people will see what they want to. I ended up having to leave a job due to a co-worker who wouldn't stop making advances on me. He thought I was interested despite me repeatedly telling him bluntly to his face and in email that I was not and to back off. He was 10 years older and married but convinced I had feelings for him. Some people are just off and you can't win.

Sorry that happened to you. Guys are creeps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really pretty?

At the risk of sexually stereotyping....are you Latina? Or from the Caribbean? And are you interacting and working with expose who are largely white, waspy types? I’ve noticed my friends who are Latina are often very flirty by more standards with guys they have NO interest in. It’s just how they interact with men. Kinda flirty.

I wrote this. There’s so many typos in it because I am dictating. Sorry. It barely makes sense. Basically I’m wondering what culture you come from and the cultural backgrounds of the people who were saying you’re being flirty. I’ve noticed friends of mine from certain cultures Often act with men and away I consider flirty but they do not consider 40 and I know for a fact they are not interested in the men. But the men and other people around them think that the women are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really pretty?

At the risk of sexually stereotyping....are you Latina? Or from the Caribbean? And are you interacting and working with expose who are largely white, waspy types? I’ve noticed my friends who are Latina are often very flirty by more standards with guys they have NO interest in. It’s just how they interact with men. Kinda flirty.

I wrote this. There’s so many typos in it because I am dictating. Sorry. It barely makes sense. Basically I’m wondering what culture you come from and the cultural backgrounds of the people who were saying you’re being flirty. I’ve noticed friends of mine from certain cultures Often act with men in a way I consider flirty but they do not consider flirty and I know for a fact they are not interested in the men. But the men and other people around them think that the women are interested.

Me again. I fixed a couple typos

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really pretty?

At the risk of sexually stereotyping....are you Latina? Or from the Caribbean? And are you interacting and working with expose who are largely white, waspy types? I’ve noticed my friends who are Latina are often very flirty by more standards with guys they have NO interest in. It’s just how they interact with men. Kinda flirty.

I wrote this. There’s so many typos in it because I am dictating. Sorry. It barely makes sense. Basically I’m wondering what culture you come from and the cultural backgrounds of the people who were saying you’re being flirty. I’ve noticed friends of mine from certain cultures Often act with men and away I consider flirty but they do not consider 40 and I know for a fact they are not interested in the men. But the men and other people around them think that the women are interested.

I think I'm average in the looks department. Your everyday brown skin nerdy black woman. There's a rather significant amount of black and latino people at my job(the guy in question is also black).

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe people are trying to blame this on your behavior, OP. Of COURSE it’s true that women can’t be friendly to guys without it being misinterpreted sometimes. When I was younger (I’m now a 45 yo mom of two) I couldn’t smile at a man—even a customer at the retail jobs I worked—without him taking it as a signal to ask me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really pretty?

At the risk of sexually stereotyping....are you Latina? Or from the Caribbean? And are you interacting and working with expose who are largely white, waspy types? I’ve noticed my friends who are Latina are often very flirty by more standards with guys they have NO interest in. It’s just how they interact with men. Kinda flirty.

I wrote this. There’s so many typos in it because I am dictating. Sorry. It barely makes sense. Basically I’m wondering what culture you come from and the cultural backgrounds of the people who were saying you’re being flirty. I’ve noticed friends of mine from certain cultures Often act with men and away I consider flirty but they do not consider 40 and I know for a fact they are not interested in the men. But the men and other people around them think that the women are interested.

I think I'm average in the looks department. Your everyday brown skin nerdy black woman. There's a rather significant amount of black and latino people at my job(the guy in question is also black).

OK this makes sense to me now (black woman). Feels like a throwback to the any talking to any man at any time means you are "fast" and flirting. Certainly the messaging I got growing up (am a Gen Xer).

[Anonymous]

I have the same “problem”. I am reasonably attractive but I also came to realize that for American standards I am more flirty/ I give mixed signals.

In my case it was a cultural thing, I am French. I don’t dress provocatively but I look at men in the eyes, I make jokes, I make comments (I could have made your eyeglass comment very innocently), I add a little touch of personal in my professional conversations, like : I will remember that Bob mentioned a ski diving WE 3 months ago, and as part of a joke/metaphor on whatever random risky work question we are discussing I may fit in a “well, that would be a perfect task for Bob, he is our jumping from 3000 feet with a smile type of guy”. And I will probably add what I think is a warm innocent smile and what other may read as a very flirty “I just paid you a compliment and now I am winking at you”.

I really think I do the same with women but people don’t see it. They however notice when I do it to men. I am more cautious now, but I am also more at peace with it (I used to be horrified that people thought I was flirting, and I didn’t know what to change). I actually stopped hiding my French accent, I regularly say I am French and flag when I feel I don’t have the proper cultural code, I hope it helps people see I interact differently and I mean well even if I can be clumsy.

Anyway, back to you: I suspect that because you are a lesbian you are not paying as much attention to men’s signals, you are more free and less guarded, I suspect that like me you give too much of those friendly vibes. Even though you are American, you have in a way a cultural clash too 😄.

You have 2 options: become more guarded, study others, analyze what you can change in your comportement etc.. or live with it and just graciously deal with the consequences when they arise. I vote for option 2, you are not a flirt, you are doing nothing wrong, you are friendly and warm and that’s great. If you police yourself you risk becoming unhappy and coming across as weirdly guarded because it won’t be your natural disposition.

Just embrace it, there are worse things than having to deal with mixed signals once in a while. And I think everyone is happier. Noone is getting their heart broken by that level of potential misunderstandings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Being nice and friendly is a mixed signal? If I kept to myself and didn't engage in conversation with people, then I'd be considered mean. Can't win for losing.

I’m guessing you’re attractive. It is a gift and a curse. Try being just as talkative with the women as you are with men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really pretty?

At the risk of sexually stereotyping....are you Latina? Or from the Caribbean? And are you interacting and working with expose who are largely white, waspy types? I’ve noticed my friends who are Latina are often very flirty by more standards with guys they have NO interest in. It’s just how they interact with men. Kinda flirty.

I wrote this. There’s so many typos in it because I am dictating. Sorry. It barely makes sense. Basically I’m wondering what culture you come from and the cultural backgrounds of the people who were saying you’re being flirty. I’ve noticed friends of mine from certain cultures Often act with men and away I consider flirty but they do not consider 40 and I know for a fact they are not interested in the men. But the men and other people around them think that the women are interested.

I think I'm average in the looks department. Your everyday brown skin nerdy black woman. There's a rather significant amount of black and latino people at my job(the guy in question is also black).

OK this makes sense to me now (black woman). Feels like a throwback to the any talking to any man at any time means you are "fast" and flirting. Certainly the messaging I got growing up (am a Gen Xer).

It's sad that things have to be this way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid engaging with prolonged conversations with people, that aren'r elated to work.

Do not make comments on personal appearance.


Tends to solve this problem.

This. It protects you too OP. People love to gossip, and sometimes gossip can become dangerous and cost people jobs, if people fear getting sued.


Be friendly, but avoid getting to personal or making comments about personal appearance. It's how things are now.

[Anonymous]

Don’t forget to mention in your conversation about your partner frequently.