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[quote=Anonymous]my mom and I had some terrible terrible years (things actually have gotten better since I got married and had kids, and as she has gotten to the end of life). But during the years i think of as "in the trenches," here is what I did--

-Never talked to mom on the phone alone, always brought in DH or sibling or kids for FaceTime/"fun" conference call.
-Brought a friend to visit or brought her to visit a friend.Mom was sweet as pie to basically anyone but me, so just always tried to find buffers.Or go out to eat so there is waitstaff and the public around (not really possible now, but maybe for later).
-Show and tell. Bring stuff to share on your visit. Video of the kids, article you clipped out, some magazine with a piece that you mark for her that you thought she might like. Videos are the best because they eat up time but you can watch it together. Maybe a show you want her to check out. That kills time and keeps her focus off you.
-if you're from an immigrant culture, bring food. Enumerate and talk about the foods you brought. Even if she complains, it's something to focus on that really isn't personal. In many cultures this is an important way of showing appreciation, we often don't do it for family, but those vibes will still help. 
-talk about something else that she loves to vent about but isn't personal/triggering for you. "Mom, I heard this thing on the radio the other day, and you are so right, it's incredibly unfair how much they charge for high blood pressure meds...." Affirming her about some things can divert from other usual points of tension.

Good luck, OP, not an easy path to walk. Have you read Deborah Tannen's work about conflict between mothers and daughters? I found some of it really powerful. 
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