Reply to Rules for dealing with your difficult elderly parent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thanks for all of these helpful tips.

My mom and dad are still both alive. My mom has always been hard on my dad but now she is even more volatile and angry. I was with her alone recently and she went on and on about my dad and I told her she sounded angry and unhappy. I suggested therapy. She blew up at me, said I was taking my dad's side and how insulting I was. She has cut herself off from her friends while my dad is more social - she's jealous and angry about that. I told her to find her own outlet - she rejects everything after trying it once or twice. She just doesn't get along with others.

I see so many friends who have nice little old lady moms and I have this difficult, angry woman who only complains bitterly about everything when I see her. I feel guilt that I don't see her more but I need some self-preservation.

Anyway, that is all. Just needed to vent in an anonymous place where others seem to be experiencing it, too![/quote]

We should have coffee and put our moms together for their own coffee and kvetch session!

My mother would have a tantrum if you suggested she needed therapy. At one point her doctor convinced her to take anti-anxiety medicine by framing it in a way that boosted her ego. I wish i recall what he said, but it was around the time dad needed a major surgery. She was much better on them, but she didn't notice a difference (?) and she decided they are only for crazy people and bad for her health.

My mother whines to me about how close some of her friends are to their daughters and how much better their daughters are for wanting that closeness. These same friends dote on their adult daughters, play nanny sometimes for weeks so daughter and hubby can travel, and they bring meals. I don't expect any of that other than it would be nice is she could just be nice! If I brought up to her why these ladies are likely closer to their daughters she'd flip out.

I have learned to detach. I used to want to rescue mom from her misery and make her happy. I made myself miserable trying to help her and I was just enabling her to remain miserable.

I too wish I had a sweet and gently old lady mommy. Now I just try to have aq sense of humor. I walk on eggshells, but still sometimes something so minor sets her off and I just think "Oh...there she blows!" as I try to de-escalate. I laugh with my husband at some of the obnoxious things she says to me so it doesn't sting as much.

Good luck! Daughter's of angry elderly mommies anonymous! DOEMA! LOL![/quote]

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