DE for 3rd child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not unknown. You get documentation.

Not enough documentation that I would be comfortable lying or hiding the DE fact. That child would know they are not genetically the same as the other two. It's not like adoption, I think it has harder consequences for the child as they grow up.

"Oh right, I don't like those things because I'm not totally in this family" Whether that thought is right or wrong it could fester. Especially in a young adult.

OP here. To be clear, we intend to be fully transparent to all of kids if we go the DE route. We would not try to keep it a secret as it's not something shameful.

[Anonymous]

DE for a first or second child makes sense. For a third child? Kind of weird. Why not go the adoption route?

[Anonymous]

Given the age difference, with your first two clumped and then a big gap, I wouldn't. It seems like there's a real risk for the kid to feel like an outsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DE for a first or second child makes sense. For a third child? Kind of weird. Why not go the adoption route?

DE is much easier and quicker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the age difference, with your first two clumped and then a big gap, I wouldn't. It seems like there's a real risk for the kid to feel like an outsider.

I agree that the age gap is giving me pause. We're discussing DE or donor embryos for a second child, and on paper have no issue with DE for a third. But two closely spaced siblings then a 7 year gap is a lot. Add to that the DE consideration and I'm not sure I'd do it. I think it depends on the individual - some grown children would probably feel left out and separate, others would be able to handle it. I think temperament is a shot in the dark, so it's a personal choice if you want to take that risk.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would. I have no hangups about donor eggs though.

I have a friend who has one adopted child, two DE children and a surprise 4th OE child. All of them are equally her children and they are a lovely family. I think knowing her has really influenced my thinking about DE. There are many ways to make a family. If you want a third, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would. I have no hangups about donor eggs though.

I have a friend who has one adopted child, two DE children and a surprise 4th OE child. All of them are equally her children and they are a lovely family. I think knowing her has really influenced my thinking about DE. There are many ways to make a family. If you want a third, go for it.

Do you not see how the dynamic OP is contemplating (one man “out” with a big age gap between the OE pair and last DE kid) is different from your friends family? The hang up isn’t just about DE, it’s about this particular family. Not saying she shouldn’t do it, just that she’s smart to think through all of the future complications she’s likely going to face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would. I have no hangups about donor eggs though.

I have a friend who has one adopted child, two DE children and a surprise 4th OE child. All of them are equally her children and they are a lovely family. I think knowing her has really influenced my thinking about DE. There are many ways to make a family. If you want a third, go for it.

Do you not see how the dynamic OP is contemplating (one man “out” with a big age gap between the OE pair and last DE kid) is different from your friends family? The hang up isn’t just about DE, it’s about this particular family. Not saying she shouldn’t do it, just that she’s smart to think through all of the future complications she’s likely going to face.

Meh. I don’t see that second hangup as any different than a bonus baby that was conceived the traditional way. Big kids and a baby is magical. It’s very different from having three close in age, but that doesn’t make it bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would. I have no hangups about donor eggs though.

I have a friend who has one adopted child, two DE children and a surprise 4th OE child. All of them are equally her children and they are a lovely family. I think knowing her has really influenced my thinking about DE. There are many ways to make a family. If you want a third, go for it.

Do you not see how the dynamic OP is contemplating (one man “out” with a big age gap between the OE pair and last DE kid) is different from your friends family? The hang up isn’t just about DE, it’s about this particular family. Not saying she shouldn’t do it, just that she’s smart to think through all of the future complications she’s likely going to face.

Meh. I don’t see that second hangup as any different than a bonus baby that was conceived the traditional way. Big kids and a baby is magical. It’s very different from having three close in age, but that doesn’t make it bad.

the kid out is really the kid in - we have a 7 year difference from our older two to our youngest which was born via a surro (they older ones were not). The youngest one will be special and dfiferent for being youngest if anything. A third chilc much younger than the second is a gift - you have time to appreciate it all in a way you can't when kids are close in age. Our third is legit the highlight of our life during covid. Her older teen brothers want nothing to do with us. Meanwhile she cooks and bakes and reads with us all the time. I really could not have imgined life without her - and we had to go through a LOT Of work to bring her to our family. Only your heart knows if you really want a third - and ifyou do - go for the DR if that is the only way. Once they child is born, or in reality, once you are pregnant, it really isn't going to make much of a difference except on paperwork and the occasional back story to the dr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would. I have no hangups about donor eggs though.

I have a friend who has one adopted child, two DE children and a surprise 4th OE child. All of them are equally her children and they are a lovely family. I think knowing her has really influenced my thinking about DE. There are many ways to make a family. If you want a third, go for it.

Do you not see how the dynamic OP is contemplating (one man “out” with a big age gap between the OE pair and last DE kid) is different from your friends family? The hang up isn’t just about DE, it’s about this particular family. Not saying she shouldn’t do it, just that she’s smart to think through all of the future complications she’s likely going to face.

Meh. I don’t see that second hangup as any different than a bonus baby that was conceived the traditional way. Big kids and a baby is magical. It’s very different from having three close in age, but that doesn’t make it bad.

the kid out is really the kid in - we have a 7 year difference from our older two to our youngest which was born via a surro (they older ones were not). The youngest one will be special and dfiferent for being youngest if anything. A third chilc much younger than the second is a gift - you have time to appreciate it all in a way you can't when kids are close in age. Our third is legit the highlight of our life during covid. Her older teen brothers want nothing to do with us. Meanwhile she cooks and bakes and reads with us all the time. I really could not have imgined life without her - and we had to go through a LOT Of work to bring her to our family. Only your heart knows if you really want a third - and ifyou do - go for the DR if that is the only way. Once they child is born, or in reality, once you are pregnant, it really isn't going to make much of a difference except on paperwork and the occasional back story to the dr.

Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps to hear from someone with a similar age gap. I appreciate all of the helpful replies!

[Anonymous]

Hmmm.. I would personally pass. I would feel like I was getting greedy. You already have two great kids, why not just stop if it's this tough?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t tempt fate, but I am risk averse.

[Anonymous]

I think it is kind of crazy, honestly. It’s the combination of the age gap and DE. I’m also influenced by personal experience in which kid 3 has disabilities that require a huge amount of parenting and care, for life.

[Anonymous]

No. Don’t disrupt 10 and 7 year olds lives with a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm.. I would personally pass. I would feel like I was getting greedy. You already have two great kids, why not just stop if it's this tough?

Greedy? Oye.