DE for 3rd child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we can answer this for you.

For me, personally, I would not do it. DE for a first child, or subsequent kids, makes sense to me. They'd all have similar origin stories that way.

But try to put yourself in the shoes of the DE 3rd child with two older siblings (7+ years) who are full genetic siblings, and you are not. It could be just fine! But it could also introduce more family strife than you realize now. Of course with any 3 kids, this is true. But the genetic component can not be ignored. You can't hide it, the kids will have to know.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we can answer this for you.

For me, personally, I would not do it. DE for a first child, or subsequent kids, makes sense to me. They'd all have similar origin stories that way.

But try to put yourself in the shoes of the DE 3rd child with two older siblings (7+ years) who are full genetic siblings, and you are not. It could be just fine! But it could also introduce more family strife than you realize now. Of course with any 3 kids, this is true. But the genetic component can not be ignored. You can't hide it, the kids will have to know.

This.

She said she wouldn’t hide it and the kids would know. I say go with your heart, OP. You won’t regret expanding your family.

[Anonymous]

You have to follow your heart, OP. But as someone who was on the brink of DE for my first child, but then ended up having 2 children (not twins) with my own eggs, I consider myself as having won the jackpot and don't need to complicate lives with a third via DE. I was and am a huge supporter of donor eggs, and I don't want to feel like you need extra justification just because you already have 2 kids, but something about it feels a bit frivolous to me under your circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm.. I would personally pass. I would feel like I was getting greedy. You already have two great kids, why not just stop if it's this tough?

Agree with this. If you really want a third child, adopt. Give an existing child a home. Nobody “needs” three biological children. One or two is sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to follow your heart, OP. But as someone who was on the brink of DE for my first child, but then ended up having 2 children (not twins) with my own eggs, I consider myself as having won the jackpot and don't need to complicate lives with a third via DE. I was and am a huge supporter of donor eggs, and I don't want to feel like you need extra justification just because you already have 2 kids, but something about it feels a bit frivolous to me under your circumstances.

I agree with this. I am a super pro-choice feminist and I have no problem with donor eggs, with IUI, with IVF, or with surrogacy, but something about this squicks me out a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to follow your heart, OP. But as someone who was on the brink of DE for my first child, but then ended up having 2 children (not twins) with my own eggs, I consider myself as having won the jackpot and don't need to complicate lives with a third via DE. I was and am a huge supporter of donor eggs, and I don't want to feel like you need extra justification just because you already have 2 kids, but something about it feels a bit frivolous to me under your circumstances.

I agree with this. I am a super pro-choice feminist and I have no problem with donor eggs, with IUI, with IVF, or with surrogacy, but something about this squicks me out a bit.

New poster but curious as i’m considering the same, is it the age difference or 3rd child part that makes you uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to follow your heart, OP. But as someone who was on the brink of DE for my first child, but then ended up having 2 children (not twins) with my own eggs, I consider myself as having won the jackpot and don't need to complicate lives with a third via DE. I was and am a huge supporter of donor eggs, and I don't want to feel like you need extra justification just because you already have 2 kids, but something about it feels a bit frivolous to me under your circumstances.

I agree with this. I am a super pro-choice feminist and I have no problem with donor eggs, with IUI, with IVF, or with surrogacy, but something about this squicks me out a bit.

New poster but curious as i’m considering the same, is it the age difference or 3rd child part that makes you uncomfortable?

I'm the first poster from above. For me, the hesitation would be about it being the 3rd kid. The age difference doesn't seem that relevant to me, but after struggling with primary infertility, I just feel so incredibly lucky and grateful for the two children I got (OE vs DE is irrelevant in my feeling this way!) that to go to what is still great lengths to have a third would feel frivolous. I used that term in my original post too, because I can't think of a better one. It's not selfish, exactly, nor reckless or anything like that. But just, kind of, excessive. I always originally wanted three. When I finally got my one, it felt like a miracle; after two, I felt like literally the luckiest person in the world. What more could I really ask for?

And, while I'm totally supportive of DE and other fertility interventions, I do think there are broad considerations to be made when choosing to go that route. I had considered them and viewed the challenges as totally surmountable (explaining the process to the child, grappling with the ethics of it all, etc), but I still wouldn't voluntarily go that route if I didn't have to. But I recognize that's just me. I wouldn't necessarily judge someone for taking this route for a third (or, maybe I would, but I'd judge myself harshly for being judgy!) but I couldn't emotionally wrap my head around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to follow your heart, OP. But as someone who was on the brink of DE for my first child, but then ended up having 2 children (not twins) with my own eggs, I consider myself as having won the jackpot and don't need to complicate lives with a third via DE. I was and am a huge supporter of donor eggs, and I don't want to feel like you need extra justification just because you already have 2 kids, but something about it feels a bit frivolous to me under your circumstances.

I agree with this. I am a super pro-choice feminist and I have no problem with donor eggs, with IUI, with IVF, or with surrogacy, but something about this squicks me out a bit.

New poster but curious as i’m considering the same, is it the age difference or 3rd child part that makes you uncomfortable?

I'm the first poster from above. For me, the hesitation would be about it being the 3rd kid. The age difference doesn't seem that relevant to me, but after struggling with primary infertility, I just feel so incredibly lucky and grateful for the two children I got (OE vs DE is irrelevant in my feeling this way!) that to go to what is still great lengths to have a third would feel frivolous. I used that term in my original post too, because I can't think of a better one. It's not selfish, exactly, nor reckless or anything like that. But just, kind of, excessive. I always originally wanted three. When I finally got my one, it felt like a miracle; after two, I felt like literally the luckiest person in the world. What more could I really ask for?

And, while I'm totally supportive of DE and other fertility interventions, I do think there are broad considerations to be made when choosing to go that route. I had considered them and viewed the challenges as totally surmountable (explaining the process to the child, grappling with the ethics of it all, etc), but I still wouldn't voluntarily go that route if I didn't have to. But I recognize that's just me. I wouldn't necessarily judge someone for taking this route for a third (or, maybe I would, but I'd judge myself harshly for being judgy!) but I couldn't emotionally wrap my head around it.

i think everyone is different.... some people with infertiility stop after one and say - i am lucky to have this one and that is fine. Of course, plenty of others continue for a second... and there are those, who really feel their family is three and they do what they need to have three kids. We all have different lines where we are done and satisfied. We all are willing to go through different levels of effort to achieve a family.-Some people of course don't have children at all and they are happy with that decision. I am the poster with the third via surrogacy and it was the best decision we ever made. I was just 40 when this happened so we did not have tons of time to dwell and overthink it - we had a hole in our family and we did what we needed to do to complete our family. the trick is to figure out what your heart and family really wants and needs and then listening to it. easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

you're not crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to follow your heart, OP. But as someone who was on the brink of DE for my first child, but then ended up having 2 children (not twins) with my own eggs, I consider myself as having won the jackpot and don't need to complicate lives with a third via DE. I was and am a huge supporter of donor eggs, and I don't want to feel like you need extra justification just because you already have 2 kids, but something about it feels a bit frivolous to me under your circumstances.

I agree with this. I am a super pro-choice feminist and I have no problem with donor eggs, with IUI, with IVF, or with surrogacy, but something about this squicks me out a bit.

New poster but curious as i’m considering the same, is it the age difference or 3rd child part that makes you uncomfortable?

NP here who feels the same way. It’s a little of both but mostly that the third will have a very different origin story. This child is set up as being the odd one out in every way among the siblings.

I can’t put my finger on why but it feels wrong to me (and I’m also not against DE, IVF, etc in principle.)

[Anonymous]

I think you're being selfish and not thinking of how what your considering would effect all of you children.

[Anonymous]

Not crazy and if you want to do it, go for it. Like other posters I’d definitely tell my DE child at the right time about their medical / genetic background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not crazy and if you want to do it, go for it. Like other posters I’d definitely tell my DE child at the right time about their medical / genetic background.

OP already said she would tell the kid.

"OP here. To be clear, we intend to be fully transparent to all of kids if we go the DE route. We would not try to keep it a secret as it's not something shameful."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to follow your heart, OP. But as someone who was on the brink of DE for my first child, but then ended up having 2 children (not twins) with my own eggs, I consider myself as having won the jackpot and don't need to complicate lives with a third via DE. I was and am a huge supporter of donor eggs, and I don't want to feel like you need extra justification just because you already have 2 kids, but something about it feels a bit frivolous to me under your circumstances.

I agree with this. I am a super pro-choice feminist and I have no problem with donor eggs, with IUI, with IVF, or with surrogacy, but something about this squicks me out a bit.

This is just straight up prejudice against infertile people. Nobody would be over in the TTC forum saying it squicked them out a bit for a poster to be considering a third or that she was selfish.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it would be fair to the third.