Happily Married but also love someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this spot. I’m a DH. Most (not all) of my buddies I know well enough to discuss this with are in the same boat.

You have more passion, interests, potential, all that earlier in life. You probably also were both much hotter. That plus the nostalgia is always going to feel better than someone with whom you have to share kid duty, endure financial choices that aren’t your own, and smell each other’s bathroom stuff.

It was, in fact, better. Maybe that person was the love of your life. Maybe not. It’s gonna feel like it either way. But we have to grow up. My wife isn’t by any means my soul mate and isn’t the love of my life. That happened a long time ago. I still love her. But I’m mostly happy with the life I have. You make do.

I know that feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ It would pretty much destroy me if my DH felt that way, even worse if he discussed it with his friends. I bet if you had married the “one that got away” you would say the exact same thing about her not being the love of your life. Stop living in your past and romanticizing it and treat your DW like she is the love of your life. You might be surprised at how much happier you will be.

This is so judgmental of you. He was being honest, which is much appreciated. All marriages don’t have to be some movie like romance. The fact that he stays committed to his wife, yet knows the feeling of more passion in it of itself is a very mature expression of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ It would pretty much destroy me if my DH felt that way, even worse if he discussed it with his friends. I bet if you had married the “one that got away” you would say the exact same thing about her not being the love of your life. Stop living in your past and romanticizing it and treat your DW like she is the love of your life. You might be surprised at how much happier you will be.

People settle for their choice in spouse all the time. It doesn’t mean that the PP above doesn’t care for his wife and doesn’t treat her well. But he can’t make her the love of his life if ar this point she hasn’t already become that person. That ship sailed and instead he’s chosen the path of stability instead. I bet if you knew his wife, she’d feel similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ It would pretty much destroy me if my DH felt that way, even worse if he discussed it with his friends. I bet if you had married the “one that got away” you would say the exact same thing about her not being the love of your life. Stop living in your past and romanticizing it and treat your DW like she is the love of your life. You might be surprised at how much happier you will be.

People settle for their choice in spouse all the time. It doesn’t mean that the PP above doesn’t care for his wife and doesn’t treat her well. But he can’t make her the love of his life if ar this point she hasn’t already become that person. That ship sailed and instead he’s chosen the path of stability instead. I bet if you knew his wife, she’d feel similar.

I’m the PP/DH. DW and I don’t talk about it specifically, but I am sure you’re right. And I’m OK with that.

Look, the vast majority of us settle. Historically we’re lucky to get to settle on someone of our own choosing. But no, my wife isn’t the person I’ve been most in love with in life, and if that person magically reappeared in my life, then yes there’s a huge part of me that would want to pursue it. But it’s a fairy tale. And even still, my DW and I have a pretty good marriage, and a family and broader life that we both love. At some point you kind of grow up and do the best you can to love and be thankful for the person you have.

Will I have some massive existential crisis 10 years from now when the kids are gone and rethink all of this? Maybe. Seems to happen a lot. But for now I’m content, even if not passionately in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this spot. I’m a DH. Most (not all) of my buddies I know well enough to discuss this with are in the same boat.

You have more passion, interests, potential, all that earlier in life. You probably also were both much hotter. That plus the nostalgia is always going to feel better than someone with whom you have to share kid duty, endure financial choices that aren’t your own, and smell each other’s bathroom stuff.

It was, in fact, better. Maybe that person was the love of your life. Maybe not. It’s gonna feel like it either way. But we have to grow up. My wife isn’t by any means my soul mate and isn’t the love of my life. That happened a long time ago. I still love her. But I’m mostly happy with the life I have. You make do.

What do you mean by that? Do you mean that people in long term relationships let themselves go, become unhygienic, etc, or something else?

[Anonymous]

This is so sad. I don't understand why any of the PPs would have married someone when they knew they loved a previous partner more? Wouldn't that be a great indication that your marriage partner is NOT a very good choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. I don't understand why any of the PPs would have married someone when they knew they loved a previous partner more? Wouldn't that be a great indication that your marriage partner is NOT a very good choice?

Marriage is more than love. I dated one woman I deeply loved but she decided a marriage wouldn't work out. Another was insane in bed but flawed from a traumatic childhood. My wife was married before and we talked long and hard about what we were both looking for. The marriage works because of many different aspects: enough sex, good conversations, similar parenting styles, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on your relationship with the person”love” is this a person you see or talk to regularly? It is a physical and emotional relationship? Is it mutual?

[Anonymous]

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have zero contact with the other person

This. Absolutely zero contact with your DH.

[Anonymous]

DH here. So much of marriage is timing. I was at an age when I was ready to find "the one" when I met my DW, and we were very compatible (background, interests, life goals). I knew she was who I wanted to marry, and we had been together for years when I met someone else, but I had already invested years with my then girlfriend, and I couldn't just throw away what we had built and our future. Do I think about that other woman? Yes. Do I think we could have been happy together? Yes. I don't think there is just one love of your life, but there is the person who you choose to marry to build your best life. Will I feel differently in ten years? Maybe.

[Anonymous]

The love of my life (in my mind) was a relationship that started, stopped, and restarted a number of times, but ultimately distance ended it completely. I kept him in a corner of my thoughts for years, but eventually life with DH pushed that further and further into a corner. I think that it's the daily realities gradually cement a happy marriage (the quirks I might ridicule in someone else but somehow become part of the fabric of our connection) along with the occasional crises (DH has always become my comforter at those times). I still once in awhile have erotic dreams about #1, and find them deeply pleasurable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Impossible.

+1. Because if you were honest with your spouse you would no longer be “happily” married. It is all based on a lie.

[Anonymous]

OP, Google “Alpha Widow”. It will never go away. That guy will always be the standard by which you judge all future men. Your husband doesn’t meet the bar, hence you’re still in love with that Alpha in your past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Google “Alpha Widow”. It will never go away. That guy will always be the standard by which you judge all future men. Your husband doesn’t meet the bar, hence you’re still in love with that Alpha in your past.

OP here. Not true at all for me. I don’t measure my spouse up to the other person. I would hands down rather be married to my spouse. I love my spouse and we are more compatible life partners. I do however also have strong feelings of love for someone else. The idea that me and this other person would have some great marriage together is a fairytale and one I don’t indulge in. Even though I don’t dream of marrying the other person, it doesn’t change the fact that love them.