If you have a spouse with an incurable and serious or terminal illness

[Anonymous]

OP Having just been through it I can tell you it’s very very hard. My feelings: The person turns into someone you don’t recognize as the disease takes its toll. You long for the person you married. Worry about the effect on the children and yourself. Wonder how this happened in the first place. Feel you are doing too much yet at the same time not enough. Afterwards I missed the man I married but realized how tired I was from the constant care giving. I’m very sorry you are going through this. It’s one of life’s hardest passages.

[Anonymous]

I have a spouse with incurable chronic illness. I have to fight really hard, on a daily-hourly basis to keep my head above the water. My efforts are mostly so that my kids don’t get impacted too much.

It is hard to reconcile what my life has become with who I thought I was. Basically I have said good bye to my spouse as a new unattractive and mean person has taken his place. Said goodbye to my career, any traveling or adventurous dreams I dreamt of having are DOA. Stress has overtaken my life and there will never be peace of mind.

Horrible life!

[Anonymous]

Op, I found it useful to "schedule" my worry time. A time set aside each day to worry -- and if it wasn't that time of the day, I was then able to tell myself, Wait, it's not time, yet, I'll worry about that later. That was also the time I used to get back, call back, read texts, messages from friends. Beause those communications intensified dark thoughts. Do what you can to moderate the amount of focus you give to pessimistic/bleak thoughts. Allow other, more neutral, eventually even happier thoughts to also occupy some or your day.

[Anonymous]

A few years ago when my husband turned 65 he said it would be a very good idea for me to learn everything about our assets in case something happened to him. My initial reaction was no but I quickly realized it was the right thing to do. Now I am included on every call with our different advisors and if something did happen to him I would be very well prepared. I’m sure as my husband now approaches 70 he’s confident that I will not be in fear of my financial future. While this is very different than having a spouse with a terminal illness, being financially knowledgeable can bring a lot of peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Having just been through it I can tell you it’s very very hard. My feelings: The person turns into someone you don’t recognize as the disease takes its toll. You long for the person you married. Worry about the effect on the children and yourself. Wonder how this happened in the first place. Feel you are doing too much yet at the same time not enough. Afterwards I missed the man I married but realized how tired I was from the constant care giving. I’m very sorry you are going through this. It’s one of life’s hardest passages.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP is it a terminal illness or incurable illness?

My child has an incurable, life-altering illness but not terminal in theory (the disease can take him). There is a grieving process. There is some resentment that life can't just be simple like for everyone else. I've embraced and accepted it. I cherish every day with him. Without being born in this century he would have died a long and protracted death.

[Anonymous]

My uncle had a brain tumor after 49 years of marriage. At first he and my aunt called / told everyone when he was diagnosed that he had about 6 months to live. Then they said his surgery was successful to a degree and he had much more time than they’d hoped. I think a lot of that was because they (or at least he) didn’t want his last good months to be about dying. He was deeply loved - my cousin (his nephew) asked him to be the toast master at their wedding. He attended my sister’s baby shower. His daughter read his speech at the wedding 5 months after his diagnosis - when he was too ill to attend - and it was clear he’d written it when lucid but knew his time was short. He met my sister’s baby a few days before he died. He worked as long as he could (he was 71 and still loving his job) and showered family with love. He almost declined some get togehter because he was afraid people would make a fuss about him. I’m so sorry Op and I haven’t been through it, but thinking about what you want others to know or not know might be worthwhile - I think my aunt and uncle shared as a first response and then tried to back off a bit.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised nobody mentioned therapist. A therapist was a life saver after my wife was diagnosed with cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

Christ. You are awful.

The diseases can change a person’s behavior. The treatments can be so painful and awesome. Alex Trebek said he had been awful with his wife at times. My loving dad was with my mom some times. You are there so you get the brunt of it.

Who divorces a dying spouse? Wtf?

So much for in sickness or in health.

You want your “me time”. I’m sure he would love just “time”

You're not awful. Don't listen to this person. It is HARD AS HELL. And you DO need a respite, maybe more than you actually need a divorce, if you love the guy. But if you need a divorce, this doesn't make you a terrible person, either.

[Anonymous]

This is very hard and if your spouse has a terminal disease, you will most likely have some type of anticipatory grief as the disease progresses towards the end. Sometimes there is relief when your person finally passes and then there is intense guilt for feeling this way. I know it was for me....

Signed,
Young Widow (2 years)

[Anonymous]

My spouse has an incurable chronic illness that shortens life spans greatly. It’s been a quick decline the past few years, and it’s not the life either of us expected. It’s been...really really tough. I wouldn’t have gotten married or had kids with my spouse if I knew what was to come. I do trauma/grief counseling once per week, and it’s honestly the one thing I look forward to every week. I get to let everything out, and it feels so good to do so. As for what I do for my spouse - it’s gotten tough to be sympathetic. When he’s in pain (which is all the time), he lets it out on me now. He didn’t do that before we got married. I end up just feeling resentful now, and I don’t know that I have any good advice for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

Being a full-time caregiver is very hard. Have you hired back up support to give yourself a break? Honestly that might be cheaper than divorce.

[Anonymous]

Share your struggle with only those who are positive people and who will lend a hand. Sharing with others who are only curious bystanders will only feed their gossip.

Take help and create a support system for logistics and mental health for both of you. It can be a therapist or a priest. Spiritualism and gratefulness will be your comfort.

Involve the kids who are far away in a family video call once a day. It will help all of you.

Outsource chores that you can afford to outsource.

Have a routine for yourself, your household chores and for managing your spouse's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

Christ. You are awful.

The diseases can change a person’s behavior. The treatments can be so painful and awesome. Alex Trebek said he had been awful with his wife at times. My loving dad was with my mom some times. You are there so you get the brunt of it.

Who divorces a dying spouse? Wtf?

So much for in sickness or in health.

You want your “me time”. I’m sure he would love just “time”

This is rude, you have no idea what PP has gone through. Being a caregiver is a hard job.

Some people can rise to the occasion and some people just can’t. They noted their short comings, and sometimes it’s better to remove

Yourself from a relationship that might become ani’s I’ve which a lot of caregiver/spousal relation relations sometimes do!

Sometimes theirs kids, being the only bread winner, full time care giver for everyone, chauffeur, the list goes on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a caregiver is a thankless job. See the PP who doesn’t want to hear any emotion from his wife because it’s “too hard” but wants to talk about his and expects her to suck it up. Also jokes about working girls. Real nice thing to do when your wife is facing the rest of her life without you.

Some of the other PPs have good ideas. Food, watching kids, being their for venting, being non-judgmental.

You're wrong. If you've heard of the ring theory you'll know you're wrong for judging the pp harshly. The person who's suffering the illness and facing early death is at the center of the ring. His wife the caregiver is one ring out, and her support system are further rings out. You dump your issue/grievances out, not in. In PP's case, his wife should talk about her fears with her support system, not dump it on him.