If you have a spouse with an incurable and serious or terminal illness

[Anonymous]

Do you have any advice for someone who just learned that they're in the same situation? Is there anything that you did that was helpful and anything you wish you'd done earlier?

Wishing your family the best.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but sending love and light your ways over the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but sending love and light your ways over the internet.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

[Anonymous]

It's a grieving process and people want different things. Some want privacy, some want to be surrounded by people. My parents were in this situation with different approaches. Both enjoyed when people brought them dinner or came to visit. Beyond that there isn't much you can do, just listen. I will say many, many people disappear. A small effort is better than none at all.

I'm sorry if you, or someone you love, is in this situation. It can bring out the best in some people.

[Anonymous]

My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

[Anonymous]

Respect your spouses privacy. Both physically and verbally. Your spouse’s medical information is his/her OWN information to share. This is beyond personal. Do not share unless he/she specifically and pointedly allows you to share it. That is true now and after your spouse has died.
Also, you (the spouse) are responsible fo et heir legacy. The information you share, the stories you tell and the way you frame everything, is what people will believe and remember. It is your responsibility to follow your spouses wishes in these respects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

Christ. You are awful.

The diseases can change a person’s behavior. The treatments can be so painful and awesome. Alex Trebek said he had been awful with his wife at times. My loving dad was with my mom some times. You are there so you get the brunt of it.

Who divorces a dying spouse? Wtf?

So much for in sickness or in health.

You want your “me time”. I’m sure he would love just “time”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

Christ. You are awful.

The diseases can change a person’s behavior. The treatments can be so painful and awesome. Alex Trebek said he had been awful with his wife at times. My loving dad was with my mom some times. You are there so you get the brunt of it.

Who divorces a dying spouse? Wtf?

So much for in sickness or in health.

You want your “me time”. I’m sure he would love just “time”

*awful, not awesome

And if it’s in the brain the personality definitely changes

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I am the spouse. Give space when needed. Let the spouse decide what s/he needs.

In my case,

1) I did not want my father involved; wife said I need family; father came in for my major surgery, he could not sleep the night before, and took meds (he is a physician, and prescribes his own meds). Meds looked like he was having a stroke. So, my support system suddenly was dealing with my father when I woke up.

2). There were a few reasonable things I aways wanted to do. Let me do them. They might not be zero cost, but if we could afford it.... those were:
--- moderate sports car (like at Mustang GT Convert), leased.
--- attend spring training (so fun)
--- a room full of working girls (Just kidding)

3) Understand I will be moody. I was in my early 50's and not ready to die. Understand I do not want to think long term. My timeline was the date of the next scan.

4) I may not sleep...I may be depressed and angry. I do not have permission to take it out on you.

5) This is my story not yours. If you want to talk about your perspective, please do, but understand I may not want to hear about your fears of raising a kid alone. I want to be there and won't. If I have to worry about your emotional state, I am not taking care of mine.

Now, what you need to do to protect yourself is to make sure, in my short term thinking, I still pay the bills, in particular, the life insurance. If I want to talk finances and plans, let me. It might be difficult for you to hear that I may not be here, but me knowing that you will know what the situation in made it easier. In my case, my spouse would not have the conversation. I finally had it with my sister and my FIL. I needed to know that DW would plan for DD's college, etc.

Now a few things you need

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

Is your husband dying? Or is he suffering from an incurable chronic illness?
Very different situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

I’m sorry PP. Being a caregiver is incredibly difficult. Are you eligible for any type of respite care? You do need time, and if you’re at the point where you think divorce is the only way to get it you need it bad. Even if you need to pay for it there’s a good possibility that it might be cheaper than a divorce. See if there’s a way you can get away for a weekend. When my mom was caring for my dad even a few hours one evening a week, or an afternoon on the weekend helped recharge her.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for you and your spouse, OP.

A very short book that may help - Chasing Daylight. One man's approach to having a few months to live.

As early as possible, spending as little time as possible, get your estate documents reviewed and updated if needed. Get health care and financial powers of attorney.

If spouse is working, call HR and see if any group term life insurance policies through work are "portable" and can be converted to a individual independent policy. You don't want this to lapse if your spouse needs to leave work.

My good friend passed at age 30 from aggressive cancer. He left behind a young widow and small child. My DH took him to see his favorite hockey team play while he was still feeling good. When his energy was lower, some of the best memories we have were just quiet evenings playing boardgames with him and his wife.

We miss him.

[Anonymous]

Being a caregiver is a thankless job. See the PP who doesn’t want to hear any emotion from his wife because it’s “too hard” but wants to talk about his and expects her to suck it up. Also jokes about working girls. Real nice thing to do when your wife is facing the rest of her life without you.

Some of the other PPs have good ideas. Food, watching kids, being their for venting, being non-judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been diagnosed a year ago. And here I am researching divorce laws. It’s hard. It changes him it changes me. And it’s just so tiring when I have to do everything. I thought I’d be a good caregiver but I am not. I started cursing. Meals help. And for me- which has been supper hard to get- me time. It’s either kids or him. I go go go and take care of someone all day long and then at night I clean up, do laundry and crash.

Christ. You are awful.

The diseases can change a person’s behavior. The treatments can be so painful and awesome. Alex Trebek said he had been awful with his wife at times. My loving dad was with my mom some times. You are there so you get the brunt of it.

Who divorces a dying spouse? Wtf?

So much for in sickness or in health.

You want your “me time”. I’m sure he would love just “time”

I suspect her DH isn’t dying but instead has a chronic condition.

This is one of those living will situations where I would hope I made it clear to my DW that I am changed that much, don’t let me ruin her life. Pull the plug, so to speak. My family has a history of mental health, and I’ve explained to the kid’s how something could change, and mom would have to take them away, that situations like that can happen (like if I became a dangerous alcoholic like my dad).

So I don’t begrudge PP, it’s a terrible thing all around.