Finally found my father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you did not have a chance to get to know your father before he died.

While your mother may claim that you were better without him in your life, that was not her call to make. She did not have the unilateral right to cut him out of his child's life. Sadly, many fathers may give up rather than fight the mother to the teeth for the right to maintain a relationship with their kids. TBH, you mom doesn't sound like she was exactly good material for "Mother of The Year Award" either.

I would suggest you maintain contact with your older half-brother to learn what you can about your dad. Perhaps consider donating to a non-profit which helps fathers legally maintain relationships with their children.

I agree with you PP (not the OP) but the OP needs to move on and not fixate on her bio dad. He was just someone who contributed to her conception, that's it. She is her own person and knowing what he was like doesn't make any difference. Probably has a closet of skeletons. Doesn't matter.

OP can make that choice herself. What works for you may not be the same, particularly since her mother was so complicated. Giving up three children is highly unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you did not have a chance to get to know your father before he died.

While your mother may claim that you were better without him in your life, that was not her call to make. She did not have the unilateral right to cut him out of his child's life. Sadly, many fathers may give up rather than fight the mother to the teeth for the right to maintain a relationship with their kids. TBH, you mom doesn't sound like she was exactly good material for "Mother of The Year Award" either.

I would suggest you maintain contact with your older half-brother to learn what you can about your dad. Perhaps consider donating to a non-profit which helps fathers legally maintain relationships with their children.

Are you kidding? Do you know the kind of trauma a "partying by night" parent can cause? The lasting damage to a kid's live that they can't get over and carry with them throughout their lives -- I think the fantasy of the father that might have been is much preferable. OP's father partied hard and committed suicide. Sounds like not having him in OP's life might have been the only good decision she made.

That information about the father was provided by the MOTHER. The same woman who kept getting pregnant, gave 3 children up for adoption, and nearly did the same for OP. I would guess that there was some partying going on by mom, too. So I find anything the mother says about the father to be highly suspect.

You obviously don't understand, aren't aware of, or don't want to acknowledge the importance of fathers in childrens' lives. And that even goes for criminals. Every prison system in this country has programs, paid for by taxpayers, to assist men in having a relationship with their children.

[Anonymous]

If I were OP, I’d be concerned that biodad was a rapist given the mother’s attitude toward him and the fact she never even sought child support. I guess its always a good thing to give to suicide prevention groups but I’m not sure I’d want yo honor a man without knowing more about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you did not have a chance to get to know your father before he died.

While your mother may claim that you were better without him in your life, that was not her call to make. She did not have the unilateral right to cut him out of his child's life. Sadly, many fathers may give up rather than fight the mother to the teeth for the right to maintain a relationship with their kids. TBH, you mom doesn't sound like she was exactly good material for "Mother of The Year Award" either.

I would suggest you maintain contact with your older half-brother to learn what you can about your dad. Perhaps consider donating to a non-profit which helps fathers legally maintain relationships with their children.

Are you kidding? Do you know the kind of trauma a "partying by night" parent can cause? The lasting damage to a kid's live that they can't get over and carry with them throughout their lives -- I think the fantasy of the father that might have been is much preferable. OP's father partied hard and committed suicide. Sounds like not having him in OP's life might have been the only good decision she made.

That information about the father was provided by the MOTHER. The same woman who kept getting pregnant, gave 3 children up for adoption, and nearly did the same for OP. I would guess that there was some partying going on by mom, too. So I find anything the mother says about the father to be highly suspect.

You obviously don't understand, aren't aware of, or don't want to acknowledge the importance of fathers in childrens' lives. And that even goes for criminals. Every prison system in this country has programs, paid for by taxpayers, to assist men in having a relationship with their children.

Yes, that is the fad right now. Wait and see how the next generation decides to handle these kinds of issues, and what they think is best for the kids. A lot of women who were beaten by their DC's fathers are not comfortable with them having relationships with their kids, from prison or anywhere. I agree with them. The amount of harm a man puts into his children's lives by beating their mothers can't even be calculated.

[Anonymous]

OP here... my thought has always been that it wasn’t her decision to make regarding not telling me. Everyone has the right to know who their bio parents are. Rapist, murderer, affair partner it doesn’t matter. I don’t remember out right asking her when I was younger, but one of my aunts told me that around the time I was 3 years old, I told her he died in a motorcycle accident. Obviously not true since he didn’t pass until I was a teenager. They dated for quite awhile, according to the coworker. She also dated 2 of my younger brothers’ dads for a very long time. My mom has always been very cold and never talks about personal things. She never hugs me or says ‘I love you,’ and shipped me to my grandparents house an hour+ away every weekend and school holiday until I was a teenager. My brothers had much better adoptive parents than our mom was to me. Knowing everything now, a lot of my childhood makes more sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... my thought has always been that it wasn’t her decision to make regarding not telling me. Everyone has the right to know who their bio parents are. Rapist, murderer, affair partner it doesn’t matter. I don’t remember out right asking her when I was younger, but one of my aunts told me that around the time I was 3 years old, I told her he died in a motorcycle accident. Obviously not true since he didn’t pass until I was a teenager. They dated for quite awhile, according to the coworker. She also dated 2 of my younger brothers’ dads for a very long time. My mom has always been very cold and never talks about personal things. She never hugs me or says ‘I love you,’ and shipped me to my grandparents house an hour+ away every weekend and school holiday until I was a teenager. My brothers had much better adoptive parents than our mom was to me. Knowing everything now, a lot of my childhood makes more sense.

Meant to add that I did ask her after my oldest was born 11 years ago, citing health reasons for my child, and she refused to answer and then didn’t talk to me for almost a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were OP, I’d be concerned that biodad was a rapist given the mother’s attitude toward him and the fact she never even sought child support. I guess its always a good thing to give to suicide prevention groups but I’m not sure I’d want yo honor a man without knowing more about him.

As some one said, the mother’s version is suspect. She put up 3 kids for adoption and almost did the same with OP. That is not normal behavior. Now whether that’s due to trauma or not, we don’t know.

It’s weird that you jump to the rapist conclusion based on her not seeking child support. If she were raped, and had no trouble relinquishing the other kids, why keep a rapist’s child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were OP, I’d be concerned that biodad was a rapist given the mother’s attitude toward him and the fact she never even sought child support. I guess its always a good thing to give to suicide prevention groups but I’m not sure I’d want yo honor a man without knowing more about him.

As some one said, the mother’s version is suspect. She put up 3 kids for adoption and almost did the same with OP. That is not normal behavior. Now whether that’s due to trauma or not, we don’t know.

It’s weird that you jump to the rapist conclusion based on her not seeking child support. If she were raped, and had no trouble relinquishing the other kids, why keep a rapist’s child?

Agree. Like the other PP who assumes all men in prison are there due to domestic violence.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP. I hope you have been able to create a warm nuclear family with your kids now.

My DH was the middle kid and the only one put up for adoption. His half siblings found him as an adult and after hearing their stories, he realized that he probably was lucky to be raised by his adoptive parents. He also discovered his bio dad had passed away before he could meet him.

[Anonymous]

Nothing to add except I'm sorry you had to grow up that way. It must have been very hard for you, and I hope you have all the love you need and deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you didn’t get to know him. A suicide-prevention organization is a good idea. And maybe something positive that YOU care about, a donation in his memory, to connect you to him? Look at Charity Navigator website for info on charities.

Excellent idea.

Unless you can find out whatever tormented your father in life, that lead to his lifestyle and eventual suicide (and contribute to a trusted organization that attends those needs), a suicide-prevention organization would be a terrific way to honor your father while at the same time helping others. And a contribution can be in-kind, such as helping staff a suicide prevention line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you did not have a chance to get to know your father before he died.

While your mother may claim that you were better without him in your life, that was not her call to make. She did not have the unilateral right to cut him out of his child's life. Sadly, many fathers may give up rather than fight the mother to the teeth for the right to maintain a relationship with their kids. TBH, you mom doesn't sound like she was exactly good material for "Mother of The Year Award" either.

I would suggest you maintain contact with your older half-brother to learn what you can about your dad. Perhaps consider donating to a non-profit which helps fathers legally maintain relationships with their children.

I agree with you PP (not the OP) but the OP needs to move on and not fixate on her bio dad. He was just someone who contributed to her conception, that's it. She is her own person and knowing what he was like doesn't make any difference. Probably has a closet of skeletons. Doesn't matter.

Well said. The people that raise you are the real parents, I would celebrate that and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:as a tangent, OP, is your mom still alive and if so, did you tell her and what does she think? did she add to the story now that you know who he is?

I was wondering about this too. More information about him from mom May be useful

Maybe he raped her. Leave her alone,!

[Anonymous]

The mother band father sound like losers. Her mother had four illegitimate children and gave three up for adoption do she's no good either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother band father sound like losers. Her mother had four illegitimate children and gave three up for adoption do she's no good either.

OP here. I get weirdly jealous that my DH’s parents are still happily married and he calls them for anything and everything. They’re amazing. I don’t think he realizes how lucky he was growing up. I now have my own 3 boys (ironic, huh?) and try my best to give them the love I was not given. My mom basically ignored me... I have zero memories of baking with her, gardening with her, playing a board game together, etc. I don’t know why she kept me, she clearly did not want to be a parent.