Finally found my father

[Anonymous]

My mom wouldn’t ever tell me information about my father growing up. No name, no picture, no stories. Last year, my MIL gifted me 23&Me for Mother’s Day with a hope that I could find information about my father. I found several 1/2 siblings on both sides, and a cousin match helped me find my father’s obituary. Unfortunately, he committed suicide in 1996 and all if his close relatives except for myself & 2 1/2 siblings have passed away. My younger 1/2 sister was adopted so doesn’t know any more than I do about our father, and our much older brother grew up with his mom and only started getting close to him a couple years before he passed. Given tomorrow is my first Father’s Day knowing who he was, I would like to do something special to honor him. Any ideas? I don’t live near my siblings or his grave.

[Anonymous]

If you know anything about a charity or organization he supported, you could donate in his name. Such as maybe he liked visiting state parks, so you could donate to the National Park Service, or something like that? His obituary might have clues. Even donating to the student support fund of his university, something that honored something he did or belonged to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know anything about a charity or organization he supported, you could donate in his name. Such as maybe he liked visiting state parks, so you could donate to the National Park Service, or something like that? His obituary might have clues. Even donating to the student support fund of his university, something that honored something he did or belonged to.

OP here. He was a blue collar worker by day, motorcycle riding partier by night. I was thinking maybe a donation to some kind of suicide support organization, but I don’t know much about any of them.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you didn’t get to know him. A suicide-prevention organization is a good idea. And maybe something positive that YOU care about, a donation in his memory, to connect you to him? Look at Charity Navigator website for info on charities.

[Anonymous]

as a tangent, OP, is your mom still alive and if so, did you tell her and what does she think? did she add to the story now that you know who he is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:as a tangent, OP, is your mom still alive and if so, did you tell her and what does she think? did she add to the story now that you know who he is?

I was wondering about this too. More information about him from mom May be useful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:as a tangent, OP, is your mom still alive and if so, did you tell her and what does she think? did she add to the story now that you know who he is?

I was wondering about this too. More information about him from mom May be useful

She confirmed his name and said she felt my life would be better without him in it. She said she didn’t know of his death but ‘wasn’t surprised.’ Beyond that, I got no information. She also gave up 3 baby boys after having me (different fathers from mine). The one coworker of hers that knew all of this (babysat me during the births) said she got zero prenatal care during my pregnancy and went to a hospital that didn’t even have a l&d unit... coworker had to move her car. My mom told her she was planning to give me up for adoption, but then showed up with me at the office a couple months later. No one other than the coworker knew about my brothers until I found them on the dna site. My mom was in her 30s. She is obviously a very secretive person. While the rest of my family (her mom, sisters, etc) has embraced the long lost brothers, she doesn’t want to know anything about them. Long story short, I will not be getting any more information about my father from her either.

[Anonymous]

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/donate/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:as a tangent, OP, is your mom still alive and if so, did you tell her and what does she think? did she add to the story now that you know who he is?

I was wondering about this too. More information about him from mom May be useful

She confirmed his name and said she felt my life would be better without him in it. She said she didn’t know of his death but ‘wasn’t surprised.’ Beyond that, I got no information. She also gave up 3 baby boys after having me (different fathers from mine). The one coworker of hers that knew all of this (babysat me during the births) said she got zero prenatal care during my pregnancy and went to a hospital that didn’t even have a l&d unit... coworker had to move her car. My mom told her she was planning to give me up for adoption, but then showed up with me at the office a couple months later. No one other than the coworker knew about my brothers until I found them on the dna site. My mom was in her 30s. She is obviously a very secretive person. While the rest of my family (her mom, sisters, etc) has embraced the long lost brothers, she doesn’t want to know anything about them. Long story short, I will not be getting any more information about my father from her either.

I'm in the same boat as you without any info about my bio dad. I actually never asked my mom because I figure she doesn't know who he is. I have seen her hound family friends for money (she is a loser, yes) and I am sure if there any way of getting anything from the man who knocked her up, she would have definitely done so. I also don't want to give her any leverage over me so I don't want to ask. Not spoken to her for years and my life is fine the way it is. I did the 23andme kit too, but my roots are in East Asia so it was more of a long shot for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you did not have a chance to get to know your father before he died.

While your mother may claim that you were better without him in your life, that was not her call to make. She did not have the unilateral right to cut him out of his child's life. Sadly, many fathers may give up rather than fight the mother to the teeth for the right to maintain a relationship with their kids. TBH, you mom doesn't sound like she was exactly good material for "Mother of The Year Award" either.

I would suggest you maintain contact with your older half-brother to learn what you can about your dad. Perhaps consider donating to a non-profit which helps fathers legally maintain relationships with their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you did not have a chance to get to know your father before he died.

While your mother may claim that you were better without him in your life, that was not her call to make. She did not have the unilateral right to cut him out of his child's life. Sadly, many fathers may give up rather than fight the mother to the teeth for the right to maintain a relationship with their kids. TBH, you mom doesn't sound like she was exactly good material for "Mother of The Year Award" either.

I would suggest you maintain contact with your older half-brother to learn what you can about your dad. Perhaps consider donating to a non-profit which helps fathers legally maintain relationships with their children.

I agree with you PP (not the OP) but the OP needs to move on and not fixate on her bio dad. He was just someone who contributed to her conception, that's it. She is her own person and knowing what he was like doesn't make any difference. Probably has a closet of skeletons. Doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry you did not have a chance to get to know your father before he died.

While your mother may claim that you were better without him in your life, that was not her call to make. She did not have the unilateral right to cut him out of his child's life. Sadly, many fathers may give up rather than fight the mother to the teeth for the right to maintain a relationship with their kids. TBH, you mom doesn't sound like she was exactly good material for "Mother of The Year Award" either.

I would suggest you maintain contact with your older half-brother to learn what you can about your dad. Perhaps consider donating to a non-profit which helps fathers legally maintain relationships with their children.

Are you kidding? Do you know the kind of trauma a "partying by night" parent can cause? The lasting damage to a kid's live that they can't get over and carry with them throughout their lives -- I think the fantasy of the father that might have been is much preferable. OP's father partied hard and committed suicide. Sounds like not having him in OP's life might have been the only good decision she made.

[Anonymous]

Posted this already but it's about a woman who finds her bio dad, and realizes that although they have things in common, he is not her "real dad" after all.

https://danishapiro.com/books/inheritance/

[Anonymous]

There also might be an organization that provides support for disabled motorcyclists. If it was something that gave him joy, it would honor him to support it for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posted this already but it's about a woman who finds her bio dad, and realizes that although they have things in common, he is not her "real dad" after all.

https://danishapiro.com/books/inheritance/

Sounds like OP didn’t have an alternative. Shapiro did.

My father spoke more extensively about his foster father yesterday than in my entire life. Until yesterday, I only knew the man’s name and that he died when my dad was in ES. Seems his foster dad shaped his life in ways I never knew from career to hobbies. But I can tell you that he has a life wound from being abandoned by his biodad as an infant.