Reply to WWYD: Grandparents Unhappy in Assisted Living and Want to Move Home

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does your mom have durable power of attorney? If not, it’s kind of not her call. Trust me, I have been there and I sympathize, totally. Elder care is brutal. But sometimes you can’t prevent every problem. If they’re still able to decide this and coordinate and finance the move themselves, they can, and the chips will just fall where they may.

What your mom does NOT have to do is help them. I was in an elder care situation where the dementia patient really wanted to go on a trip to Europe. He would get so mad when we argued with him. I finally started saying, great, book it! Which he absolutely could not do on his own (finding the numbers, the calendar etc was not there). But he was much happier with us saying that and never got frustrated when he couldn’t. He would just talk about the trip in a happy way and how he was about to book it. [/quote]

New poster. Came here to ask the same question PP poses -- OP, does your mother have durable power of attorney for her parents? I would look into it, if not. They may be unwilling to OK that if they are early-stage dementia, are "with it" at times and believe they're fine all the time,  and can appear fine to an outsider like an attorney (I think; we never quite got to the POA stage with my parent but it was on the horizon). I would be concerned that they might blow, or be conned out of, any money they still have, if they try to effect a move themselves.

If they both will be placated by the great tactic PP and others have suggested (don't argue any points with them, just say the car is still in the shop; you go ahead and plan that trip to Europe; your house is being painted so we'll tell you when it's done....etc.) that is good. Would they both react to that kind of statement with acceptance? My relative's dementia did not have full hold for a long time, and a tactic like that might have upset her more if she was in a relatively clear moment and said, "Wait, you said the car was in the shop so where is it? Why aren't they giving it back?" etc. I am NOT saying not to try this, only that it may work differently with different people. Dementia can be very individual in how it manifests.[/quote]

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