VENT WARNING. Non-working parent not carrying their weight in quarantine

[Anonymous]

If you are typically the primary parent, he doesn’t know what needs to be done. You need to teach him.

DH - please read all emails from these teachers and put Zoom calls on the calendar. Make a list each evening of the kids school work for the following day. Check it is complete before they start video games. Here’s a grocery list, go online and order it. Make the kids lunch, wash the lunch dishes. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are typically the primary parent, he doesn’t know what needs to be done. You need to teach him.

DH - please read all emails from these teachers and put Zoom calls on the calendar. Make a list each evening of the kids school work for the following day. Check it is complete before they start video games. Here’s a grocery list, go online and order it. Make the kids lunch, wash the lunch dishes. Etc.

I can't even with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you are a woman and the non working spouse a man?

Or, have you always been the primary parent and home handler?

Thank you all for the validation without being rude. In the pre-covid world DH works more than I do and so I do take on the primary parent and home handler role. Right now that's switched to DH working zero hours and my work is ramped up. House handling and parenting feels harder simply because we are home 100% of the time. There aren't school and dog walkers and housecleaners and playdates and all the rest of life to ease those burdens. I partly needed perspective since my temper is so short and I don't want to explode if in fact I'm being unreasonable. Social media doesn't help watching friends baking bread and taking family hikes when I barely get through the day.

We have two elementary kids and a dog, and made Covid rules. Some were just enforcements of usual rules and some were new.

1. The kids walk the dog to the abandoned park at the end of the block at 8am and at 4pm. They can't cross the street until they BOTH agree it's safe. They must be home in 20 minutes. If anyone comes towards them they are to yell "SIX FEET" until the person moves back.
2. There is NO eating anywhere but the kitchen island or dining room table. Crumbs are to be swept up, spills to be wiped up. If you're overwhelmed by your mess and need help, ask.
3. After lunch, kids set the table for dinner. If you want to use the table for school you can, but table must be set by 6pm.
4. No social Zooming/Facetime until minimum 3 hours of schooling are complete each day.

DH and I are both working full time. I do all the laundry. He does all the cooking. We each have a kid help us. We all clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you are a woman and the non working spouse a man?

Or, have you always been the primary parent and home handler?

Thank you all for the validation without being rude. In the pre-covid world DH works more than I do and so I do take on the primary parent and home handler role. Right now that's switched to DH working zero hours and my work is ramped up. House handling and parenting feels harder simply because we are home 100% of the time. There aren't school and dog walkers and housecleaners and playdates and all the rest of life to ease those burdens. I partly needed perspective since my temper is so short and I don't want to explode if in fact I'm being unreasonable. Social media doesn't help watching friends baking bread and taking family hikes when I barely get through the day.

I knew it as soon as I read your post. Second, step away from social media. Some of this falls under 'old habits die hard' and he is used to the status quo where you handle stuff. Talk to him and tell him you need help and how you feel overwhelmed. Don't do it when you are feeling stressed or your temper might come out. His projects are probably very important to him (give him the benefit of the doubt), but ask him to tackle them after the school day is done.

Again, step away from sm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are typically the primary parent, he doesn’t know what needs to be done. You need to teach him.

DH - please read all emails from these teachers and put Zoom calls on the calendar. Make a list each evening of the kids school work for the following day. Check it is complete before they start video games. Here’s a grocery list, go online and order it. Make the kids lunch, wash the lunch dishes. Etc.

I can't even with this.

Some of this, yes -- but some of it is just freaking common sense. Feed the children; clean up. If we are out of food, go grocery shopping or order online (you can share your favorite app/store if necessary). He should be able to figure this out. That's what is so aggravating about all of this, I assume, that DH would (and could) have to manage without a manual if she got hit by a bus, but he can't do that it in quasi-normal times.

[Anonymous]

Very similar here. DH was laid off at the beginning of all of this but has been receiving severance and will be starting a new job in a few weeks so he’s basically on vacation. He is doing dishes and laundry, but he’s flummoxed about how to help the kids with their schooling. I print out a checklist and all of the documents needed for the week on Sunday nights and put it in sequential order in a folder.

When I come up for lunch I ask if everyone is done with their schoolwork and DH says that Larla needed help with her reading assignment but he couldn’t figure it out or Larlo couldn’t figure out how to submit his answer so it still needs to be done. So then when I have a few minutes between work obligations I’m helping them while he’s off doing whatever he wants—going on a walk, watching TV, taking a nap etc. He also has a knack for leaving to go on a walk right at the moment that the kids start their Zoom classes and I have my own Zoom meeting at the exact same time so no one is there if they need tech support during their class.

The part I’m dreading (although obviously relieved he has a new job) is when he starts his new job and stops helping with anything. He’ll be like “don’t you understand I’m working??!” if I ask him for help with anything. As though I’m just voluntarily working on a hobby of mine and not actually working an actual job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you are a woman and the non working spouse a man?

Or, have you always been the primary parent and home handler?

Thank you all for the validation without being rude. In the pre-covid world DH works more than I do and so I do take on the primary parent and home handler role. Right now that's switched to DH working zero hours and my work is ramped up. House handling and parenting feels harder simply because we are home 100% of the time. There aren't school and dog walkers and housecleaners and playdates and all the rest of life to ease those burdens. I partly needed perspective since my temper is so short and I don't want to explode if in fact I'm being unreasonable. Social media doesn't help watching friends baking bread and taking family hikes when I barely get through the day.

You’ve gotten lots of support by the ones that figured out quickly that it’s DH and you are a woman, but if you really want to solve things it’s worth considering what those same ones would be saying if it was as SAHM wanting a working spouse to pitch in. Watching kids can be a tiring task for anyone to do all day and even more so for someone who didn’t choose the role. It’s fine to expect him to carry a lot of the load but you should be figuring out what kind of breaks he needs and what you can do to provide them even if it’s just 5 min or eating lunch with the kids. Taking the situation as license to lock yourself in a room to work as PP suggested will backfire and have you locked in with someone harder to deal with. You both should be contributing but the solution should account for the abilities of each and the impact mentally on each. Sounds like he needs to step up but you need to adjust your expectations too of what the goal is.

[Anonymous]

Divorced mom here for some perspective. Everything falls to me...everything. Ex is separately quarantining and has decided not to take the DCs during this period at all (it was usually once a month for a weekend). Your dynamic sounds like you typically do most of the domestic tasks at home while DH works long hours and makes substantially more money. Your DH has never had this freedom from work and is taking full advantage of it. It has not dawned on him that your life has gotten substantially harder because you no longer have the infrastructure (school, housekeeper, etc) in place. My suggestion is to dramatically lower your expectations regarding online school, simply let it go. Second, also lower expectations regarding the dog ...ask DH to walk it and that is is (hire trainer later when you can). Third, start lowering work for meals by having kids get their own cereal and make PB&J for lunch. Fourth, realize your DH isn’t going to change and become some domestic helper... that is not the guy you married or the agreement in the marriage. I say all this to tell you life is not better divorced and if you don’t let the resentment go it may be where you are headed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mom here for some perspective. Everything falls to me...everything. Ex is separately quarantining and has decided not to take the DCs during this period at all (it was usually once a month for a weekend). Your dynamic sounds like you typically do most of the domestic tasks at home while DH works long hours and makes substantially more money. Your DH has never had this freedom from work and is taking full advantage of it. It has not dawned on him that your life has gotten substantially harder because you no longer have the infrastructure (school, housekeeper, etc) in place. My suggestion is to dramatically lower your expectations regarding online school, simply let it go. Second, also lower expectations regarding the dog ...ask DH to walk it and that is is (hire trainer later when you can). Third, start lowering work for meals by having kids get their own cereal and make PB&J for lunch. Fourth, realize your DH isn’t going to change and become some domestic helper... that is not the guy you married or the agreement in the marriage. I say all this to tell you life is not better divorced and if you don’t let the resentment go it may be where you are headed.

I think it's important not to come into the conversation with all the resentment -- maybe just frame it as you needing discrete amounts of time to do work, and to exercise, and strategize on when you can have those blocks of un-interrupted time.

[Anonymous]

Pre-COVID my H had surgery and was out of work for 6 months (paid thank god).

Pre-surgery I pretty much did everything except clean dishes and his laundry.

After surgery we had "the talk"... he needed to step up to the plate.

1. Cook: (only 4 days a week, because I love to cook) But here is the thing. You either allow them to do it or you don't. You don't Monday morning quarterback the whole thing. You trust and let them learn and fail and learn and eventually do it right. You can't expect them to do it "your way". I had multiple dinners that was just meat because .. oh I didn't plan sides.

2. Grocery shopping: Sure make a list of what you want, but again. No back seat driving. They are going to "screw" it up... aka ... not do it like you. Either you let them or don't complain.

3. School work: Again... put all zoom meeting on a calendar... well maybe if that works for him but NO he is not doing it YOUR way. If you want him to take responsibility, he will not do it your way and he may not even do it "as good as you".

4. Cleaning: Let's just face it clean to 1 person is not clean to another. Clean to 1 person is OCD/psycho woman to another. If you want them to clean you also have to live with their definition of clean.

While I know you all want help I'm not sure you are ready to "let go" of all the control. You can't have it both ways... have him do it and tell him how to do it.

Be thankful there is no "calendar" right now... I showed up in PA for a tournament on Saturday when it was sunday and I went to a birthday party at the wrong time... and I could go on and on about the calendar... but I did not complain... I said "that's okay ... it's hard, I should have double checked" because quite frankly I think he should double check too when I make a calendar. Besides they change things on Friday, who knew soccer schedules change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pre-COVID my H had surgery and was out of work for 6 months (paid thank god).

Pre-surgery I pretty much did everything except clean dishes and his laundry.

After surgery we had "the talk"... he needed to step up to the plate.

1. Cook: (only 4 days a week, because I love to cook) But here is the thing. You either allow them to do it or you don't. You don't Monday morning quarterback the whole thing. You trust and let them learn and fail and learn and eventually do it right. You can't expect them to do it "your way". I had multiple dinners that was just meat because .. oh I didn't plan sides.

2. Grocery shopping: Sure make a list of what you want, but again. No back seat driving. They are going to "screw" it up... aka ... not do it like you. Either you let them or don't complain.

3. School work: Again... put all zoom meeting on a calendar... well maybe if that works for him but NO he is not doing it YOUR way. If you want him to take responsibility, he will not do it your way and he may not even do it "as good as you".

4. Cleaning: Let's just face it clean to 1 person is not clean to another. Clean to 1 person is OCD/psycho woman to another. If you want them to clean you also have to live with their definition of clean.

While I know you all want help I'm not sure you are ready to "let go" of all the control. You can't have it both ways... have him do it and tell him how to do it.

Be thankful there is no "calendar" right now... I showed up in PA for a tournament on Saturday when it was sunday and I went to a birthday party at the wrong time... and I could go on and on about the calendar... but I did not complain... I said "that's okay ... it's hard, I should have double checked" because quite frankly I think he should double check too when I make a calendar. Besides they change things on Friday, who knew soccer schedules change.

I am not oP but some of this is such great advice. Letting the other person handle and do things their own way, even if they fail and or are not “as good” as the way we do it, it’s so incredibly hard. However, it is so important to do. I would say that I have a very good relationship with my husband and we work as equal as we can given our work lives etc. but I completely struggle with letting him cook his way. And he has told me before that I’m hovering and watching. I have to leave the room and do something else because what I do is quarterback what he’s doing and it’s not good. So your advice is a very good reminder.

[Anonymous]

Same girl same.

DH is doing his own projects instead of watching our kids. There's so much crying and screaming (the kids screaming and tantruming, not dh) daily that it's hard for me to work. My work is way crazier than normal. I'm constantly having to come help and soothe kids. I also have to nurse the baby every 3 hours (which is terrible because now it's all zoom meetings constantly). I just don't get why he can't get his shit together- this is an 8 week paid vacation for him!!! I get that our kids are at such difficult ages but step up already. I end up doing 50% of their care during the day and then having to work until midnight. And after my work is over at 5:30, he's done. He says I have the kids for the rest of the night and have to do bedtime routine, which takes hours.

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that I always downplayed my job. It's stressful and I do bring home 45% of the income. I make 155k. But everyone has always acted like mine was the fun money. I had one telework day every other week and I did abuse it before. I'd run laundry and have dinner ready by the time everyone got home. I think DH thought I could do that full time though and I absolutely can't. I used to make up those hours later in the week by working harder. When my 2nd child was born recently, both my parents and my inlaws asked why I don't just quit my job because daycare was like 35k a year. Pretty sure they thought I didn't make much more than that. I have a master's degree and 5 employees...

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down with your husband and make a list of things that NEED to be done every day and a list of things that need to be done weekly. Figure out how long each thing takes. X out your schedule for 8 hrs a day for work, make sure everyone gets a couple hours or do whatever they want time (including the kids), assign the kids some chores like dishwasher, some meal prep, help with laundry, vacuum etc. and then divide up the rest. If it’s obvious to your husband what needs to be done and how much time you actually have to do it, then he might be more willing to help out. Present it as a team, not as a I’m doing everything while you do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Also, just wanted to say that after a week of this BS, I called my doctor and had my anti depression meds upped (doubled actually). I'm not sure if it's helped at all (since everything external keeps getting worse it's hard to judge) but I do feel like I'm weathering it all better. I'm less snappy and more focused on work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You went to great lengths to be completely gender neutral in your post, but it just screams that you are a woman and your husband is the one taking his time off.
And, yes, many of us can relate.

+1