VENT WARNING. Non-working parent not carrying their weight in quarantine

[Anonymous]

Two parents, two elementary-age kids and a dog. One parent is fully teleworking, the other is unable to work from home so has basically had an 8wk paid vacation. I'm so tired of trying to do my job full-time and on top of that be the one keeping the household running. Examples include keeping the kids on task with schoolwork, planning and cooking meals, taking charge of oversight and training of the new dog, all of it. Non working spouse is supposedly keeping busy, but on projects that are their priority rather than focusing first on family needs and day-to-day things.

I am so over it and exhausted at the end of the day. Please set me straight if I'm being unrealistic, but I feel as if the non-working spouse should be stepping into the role of SAH parent and carry the lion's share of housework, childcare responsibilities including overseeing schoolwork, and so on rather than focusing on pet projects and getting in a daily workout. Seeing friends talk about how nice it is that life is a slower pace now, but I feel the exact opposite. My work is more stressful than normal and the weight of each day feels overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Wow, i think your spouse should DEFINITELY be doing much more work with the kids/food etc if he isn't able to work.

I am the parent who isn't able to work and is now doing to lion's share of schoolwork assistance/cooking/grocery shopping/hanging with kids. I will say hanging with the kids is exhausting, so my husband gives me a couple hours of a break each day.

[Anonymous]

Can you lock yourself in an office/bedroom/spare room or even sit in your car to work. Like so many DCUM household/childcare work dispute, the only thing you can do is have a serious conversation, let your spouse sink or swim, live with the results, and if the results are bad at first give them time to get better.

"Lovebird, I really appreciate your commitment to recaning all those chairs, but I am dying here with work, school, and cooking. I need to focus on my work so I can still have a job, so I am going to be less available during the day. I know you'll come up with a great plan to get everything else done!"

[Anonymous]

You went to great lengths to be completely gender neutral in your post, but it just screams that you are a woman and your husband is the one taking his time off.
And, yes, many of us can relate.

[Anonymous]

My spouse WAH full time and I'm at home for the time being. I do all of the kid related care and schooling (PKer, 3rd grader, and 6th grader), most of the grocery shopping and meal planning, and a bit more than half of the cooking, meal planning, and cleanup. I do the majority of the cleaning but the house is kind of a wreck right now. I also have a few small projects I've completed like home repair, organization, decluttering, and so forth.

I would say I am less busy than DH overall and it would be pretty insane for me to expect DH to pick up more. I can see in some situations where one parent really clicks better with a child on schoolwork where it makes sense for the working parent to take that over, but as a non-working parent right now I would look to take up slack elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, i think your spouse should DEFINITELY be doing much more work with the kids/food etc if he isn't able to work.

I am the parent who isn't able to work and is now doing to lion's share of schoolwork assistance/cooking/grocery shopping/hanging with kids. I will say hanging with the kids is exhausting, so my husband gives me a couple hours of a break each day.

14:02 here. I was going to say that having several kids with an age spread and being unable to take the kids anywhere or let them go to friends houses is pretty stressful. This is why DH picks up dinner duty some evenings after I'm totally exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You went to great lengths to be completely gender neutral in your post, but it just screams that you are a woman and your husband is the one taking his time off.
And, yes, many of us can relate.

Me too. I’m the only one working. The kitchen is a mess. He’s in the bedroom doing god knows what. Kid is sitting on the couch behind me eating popcorn for a late lunch and playing animal crossing.


I’m trying hard not to scream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, i think your spouse should DEFINITELY be doing much more work with the kids/food etc if he isn't able to work.

I am the parent who isn't able to work and is now doing to lion's share of schoolwork assistance/cooking/grocery shopping/hanging with kids. I will say hanging with the kids is exhausting, so my husband gives me a couple hours of a break each day.

+1. OP, of course your spouse should be doing more work for the family. He should be able to get a daily work out, but so should you. He needs to schedule his at a time that fits with everyone's schedules so he can still help with the kids while you're working. if he's just taking off to work out whenever he wants without any concern to your work schedule and their school schedule, then he's an ass.

[Anonymous]

Of course the non-working spouse should be doing more. How is that even a question?

[Anonymous]

oh my gosh you are not being unrealistic!!!! are you kidding? That is crazy and just should not be allowed to fly. I mean truly. I sound less stressed than you and both my spouse and I are teleworking full time with a toddler. Even though he is working my husband is still expected to take on a huge portion of the childcare and takes care of ALL meals, clean up from those meals, and laundry. I do a bit more childcare since my work schedule is more flexible. I'm so sorry OP. You SHOULD be angry and should demand more. Like others said, close yourself in an office or bedroom until lunch time and make them handle it.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, you are a woman and the non working spouse a man?

Or, have you always been the primary parent and home handler?

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, your spouse is a man? I am in a similar situation. Unless you tell him exactly what needs to be done everyday, he is just going to work on his very important special projects. I've tried to strike a balance between the everyday jobs and letting him putter around and research projects on his phone. But yeah, he is going to do his own thing unless you tell him what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You went to great lengths to be completely gender neutral in your post, but it just screams that you are a woman and your husband is the one taking his time off.
And, yes, many of us can relate.

Me too. I’m the only one working. The kitchen is a mess. He’s in the bedroom doing god knows what. Kid is sitting on the couch behind me eating popcorn for a late lunch and playing animal crossing.


I’m trying hard not to scream.

Play some animal crossing too! It is fun and relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two parents, two elementary-age kids and a dog. One parent is fully teleworking, the other is unable to work from home so has basically had an 8wk paid vacation. I'm so tired of trying to do my job full-time and on top of that be the one keeping the household running. Examples include keeping the kids on task with schoolwork, planning and cooking meals, taking charge of oversight and training of the new dog, all of it. Non working spouse is supposedly keeping busy, but on projects that are their priority rather than focusing first on family needs and day-to-day things.

I am so over it and exhausted at the end of the day. Please set me straight if I'm being unrealistic, but I feel as if the non-working spouse should be stepping into the role of SAH parent and carry the lion's share of housework, childcare responsibilities including overseeing schoolwork, and so on rather than focusing on pet projects and getting in a daily workout. Seeing friends talk about how nice it is that life is a slower pace now, but I feel the exact opposite. My work is more stressful than normal and the weight of each day feels overwhelming.

You need to talk to non working spouse. No matter how we tell you that you are right if you can't communicate or get this person to help us agreeing won't do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you are a woman and the non working spouse a man?

Or, have you always been the primary parent and home handler?

Thank you all for the validation without being rude. In the pre-covid world DH works more than I do and so I do take on the primary parent and home handler role. Right now that's switched to DH working zero hours and my work is ramped up. House handling and parenting feels harder simply because we are home 100% of the time. There aren't school and dog walkers and housecleaners and playdates and all the rest of life to ease those burdens. I partly needed perspective since my temper is so short and I don't want to explode if in fact I'm being unreasonable. Social media doesn't help watching friends baking bread and taking family hikes when I barely get through the day.