Support Group for middle age WIVES not having sex...

[Anonymous]

Good man, love him, and he's always had a lower libido than I. Compromise with reduced frequency and same-old, same-old super-vanilla (lets get real: less than vanilla) sex was something I could compromise on. But after 12 years, we're down to zero and have been for almost 2 years. I don't bother to ask anymore. I will get a divorce after kids are up and out in another 10. I don't hang it over his head like a threat because: a) I don't want coerced sex and b) a decade-long threat is toxic--we're still married, parenting, friends, and so on, and need kindness to do that well. Divorce won't be a surprise, though. It's depressing as hell, sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you’re doing lots of chores, childcare, and non-sexual touching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you’re doing lots of chores, childcare, and non-sexual touching.

Make sure you give advice on stuff outside of your expertise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you’re doing lots of chores, childcare, and non-sexual touching.

OP here. He doesn't like touching anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you’re doing lots of chores, childcare, and non-sexual touching.

OP here. He doesn't like touching anymore.

Also, it gets super old to be the one that always initiates the non-sexual touching. Especially if the other person obviously doesn't want to be touched and doesn't enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman dealing with the same thing as OP. After 8 years, I found an AP. It's strictly about sex and it makes life so much better. I just tried everything I could think of and my DH is just so rarely interested - like 3x a year - and even then it lasts only minutes, I just gave up trying to understand. I love having an AP, and I only feel a tiny bit guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman dealing with the same thing as OP. After 8 years, I found an AP. It's strictly about sex and it makes life so much better. I just tried everything I could think of and my DH is just so rarely interested - like 3x a year - and even then it lasts only minutes, I just gave up trying to understand. I love having an AP, and I only feel a tiny bit guilty.

Man here in same situation. I had an AP who was also in your situation. She was amazing but got very attached and frankly quite needy and sometimes jealous of the time I spent with my wife. So we eventually broke it off which sucked and I am back to sexless land and lonely. Are you able to keep emotions in check?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman dealing with the same thing as OP. After 8 years, I found an AP. It's strictly about sex and it makes life so much better. I just tried everything I could think of and my DH is just so rarely interested - like 3x a year - and even then it lasts only minutes, I just gave up trying to understand. I love having an AP, and I only feel a tiny bit guilty.

Man here in same situation. I had an AP who was also in your situation. She was amazing but got very attached and frankly quite needy and sometimes jealous of the time I spent with my wife. So we eventually broke it off which sucked and I am back to sexless land and lonely. Are you able to keep emotions in check?

OP here. Yes, I'm able to keep my emotions in check. I had FWB long ago (way before meeting DH) and it was actually the guys who got attached and emotional. I REALLY don't want to cheat though. Is that really the only solution? Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yes. Two girls in elementary school. They are low maintenance and low stress (knock on wood).

Since you initiated this thread, I have some quesitons:

1) is your DH depressed?
2) you mention he's active/good looking/etc., any chance he is emotionally attached to someone else?
3) I'd say medical issues but given your OP, I'd say probably not
4) During your marriage, have you ever been this sexless or has it always been an issue just really magnified now?

OP here:

1) is your DH depressed? Not depressed but I think he has anxiety that is heightened with this COVID situation.
2) you mention he's active/good looking/etc., any chance he is emotionally attached to someone else? I don't think there's anyone else. I think he's in this ridiculous cocoon of thinking that sex isn't important in a relationship. I should be "glad" that he doesn't just look at me as a sex object. *insert eyeroll here*
3) I'd say medical issues but given your OP, I'd say probably not
4) During your marriage, have you ever been this sexless or has it always been an issue just really magnified now? Yes, there have been multiple periods of sexless times before, which is ridiculous since we haven't even been married that long. He always finds a reason NOT to be interested.

I am OP from the Love Languages thread. It might be that your DH's love language is certainly not physical touch OR/and he may be bordering on asexual. I believe my DW is asexual but we have other nuances that can be contributing to a dead bedroom. Best of luck.,

[Anonymous]

What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

[Anonymous]

Folks, some people are low-sex, asexual. If there's a cognitive/emotional challenge (eg history of abuse) behind the aversion or sexual distancing, I think that's where a highly skilled mental health professional should be engaged. Even so--a person won't change unless they want to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman dealing with the same thing as OP. After 8 years, I found an AP. It's strictly about sex and it makes life so much better. I just tried everything I could think of and my DH is just so rarely interested - like 3x a year - and even then it lasts only minutes, I just gave up trying to understand. I love having an AP, and I only feel a tiny bit guilty.

Man here in same situation. I had an AP who was also in your situation. She was amazing but got very attached and frankly quite needy and sometimes jealous of the time I spent with my wife. So we eventually broke it off which sucked and I am back to sexless land and lonely. Are you able to keep emotions in check?

OP here. Yes, I'm able to keep my emotions in check. I had FWB long ago (way before meeting DH) and it was actually the guys who got attached and emotional. I REALLY don't want to cheat though. Is that really the only solution? Ugh.

PP here, I empathize. When I called it off, I vowed to not cheat again, too messy, chance of people getting hurt, not fair to my wife, despite her total lack of libido and willingness to compromise, etc. etc. And yet, it's been almost a year since I called it off, really made an effort to focus on my marriage, and sex less that 6 times and none in months.

While I am sure there are situations that libido is transient (after babies, illness, unusual stress), otherwise no, there is no return and it gets worse over time. The options are be miserable, cheat or divorce. With kids, option 3 isn't so easy.

Virtual hug, platonic of course

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks, some people are low-sex, asexual. If there's a cognitive/emotional challenge (eg history of abuse) behind the aversion or sexual distancing, I think that's where a highly skilled mental health professional should be engaged. Even so--a person won't change unless they want to change.

Agree with this. Chasing sex with a person like this can be very frustrating and challenging. Navigating it is tough and while a therapist can help, it will be an uphill battle.

As an aside, with a person like this as your spouse, seems like the stars have to align in order to have sex. God forbid you do ANYTHING that might threaten it and the whole thing is blown. That's what it's like with my spouse - here I am thnking things are going great, we're communicating, she's being loving, etc., and then I do somethiing that she scolds me on and her mood is basically gone and her other 123098213 priorities take precedent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you’re doing lots of chores, childcare, and non-sexual touching.

Make sure you give advice on stuff outside of your expertise.

DP - same goes to you, especially when it concerns what men want, how men feel, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you’re doing lots of chores, childcare, and non-sexual touching.

Make sure you give advice on stuff outside of your expertise.

DP - same goes to you, especially when it concerns what men want, how men feel, etc.

Did you not read the title of this thread? It says WIVES.