Support Group for middle age WIVES not having sex...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

Wait, you have a 90% success rate just by initiating sex? And your main complaint (not having sex) is easily fixed just by you initiating sex?
Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. Women are so spoiled it's not even funny.

Yeah, kind of agree. I think OP is complaining that she doesn't do it often but man, I would kill for that success rate! My success rate is about 1% and we don't do it that often at all!

OP here.

I never said he was impotent. He's functional and capable. He just has zero desire. So, yes, he will participate when I initiate, but I don't initiate very often because he makes pronouncements all the time as to why he's not in the mood. Or why sex is so unimportant or boring or useless or stupid. I initiate when I am completely and utterly at my whit's end. You can't tell me that that is a healthy way to operate as a couple. As I said in my OP, once a month at best, only because I initiate, cannot possibly be considered satisfying (pun intended).[/quote

But if you initiate 3 times per week, at a 90% success rate, that would be a pretty normal sex life. What's the problem again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good man, love him, and he's always had a lower libido than I. Compromise with reduced frequency and same-old, same-old super-vanilla (lets get real: less than vanilla) sex was something I could compromise on. But after 12 years, we're down to zero and have been for almost 2 years. I don't bother to ask anymore. I will get a divorce after kids are up and out in another 10. I don't hang it over his head like a threat because: a) I don't want coerced sex and b) a decade-long threat is toxic--we're still married, parenting, friends, and so on, and need kindness to do that well. Divorce won't be a surprise, though. It's depressing as hell, sometimes.

I could have written this word for word, except we have only one kid. Married 13 years, haven't had sex in 2 years. I've asked about it, tried to talk about it and his response is always "you're right, I have to do better." Like I'm a chore. I don't ask anymore.

I hate feeling like I'm a chore.

[Anonymous]

There are more of us than you realize. We suffer in silence. It’s okay for men to complain about low-drive wives but society doesn’t encourage women to do so because it’s implying something is wrong with our husbands’ manhood. Once upon a time, I fantasized about a better sex life with my husband. Now, I fantasize about divorce. I hope to get my financial ducks in a row in the next year or two and can’t wait be be single and dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does he say/do when you initiate sex (at an appropriate time/place)?

He participates about 90% of the time when I initiate actual sex. But my initiation is getting less and less frequent because I'm completely frustrated with the situation. At this juncture, I refuse to initiate. So we'll probably be at an impasse indefinitely.

He's not into hugging, kissing, or any other affectionate actions. So, of course, he would never initiate anything like that. I'm basically never touched in a sexual manner by another person. It's super depressing.

Wait, you have a 90% success rate just by initiating sex? And your main complaint (not having sex) is easily fixed just by you initiating sex?
Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. Women are so spoiled it's not even funny.

Yeah, kind of agree. I think OP is complaining that she doesn't do it often but man, I would kill for that success rate! My success rate is about 1% and we don't do it that often at all!

OP here.

I never said he was impotent. He's functional and capable. He just has zero desire. So, yes, he will participate when I initiate, but I don't initiate very often because he makes pronouncements all the time as to why he's not in the mood. Or why sex is so unimportant or boring or useless or stupid. I initiate when I am completely and utterly at my whit's end. You can't tell me that that is a healthy way to operate as a couple. As I said in my OP, once a month at best, only because I initiate, cannot possibly be considered satisfying (pun intended).[/quote

But if you initiate 3 times per week, at a 90% success rate, that would be a pretty normal sex life. What's the problem again?

Oh, he definitely wouldn't go for 3 times a week. And when it's purely one sided and the other person obviously doesn't want to participate, that's not "normal."

[Anonymous]

I'm 34 and this is one of the reasons why we are divorcing. I don't have a super high sex drive or anything but he is zero (possibly aspbergers). He never had a super high sex drive but now it is nilch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 34 and this is one of the reasons why we are divorcing. I don't have a super high sex drive or anything but he is zero (possibly aspbergers). He never had a super high sex drive but now it is nilch.

Same here at 37. Have not had sex in 3 years, and once a year before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good man, love him, and he's always had a lower libido than I. Compromise with reduced frequency and same-old, same-old super-vanilla (lets get real: less than vanilla) sex was something I could compromise on. But after 12 years, we're down to zero and have been for almost 2 years. I don't bother to ask anymore. I will get a divorce after kids are up and out in another 10. I don't hang it over his head like a threat because: a) I don't want coerced sex and b) a decade-long threat is toxic--we're still married, parenting, friends, and so on, and need kindness to do that well. Divorce won't be a surprise, though. It's depressing as hell, sometimes.

No thoughts about finding a FWB?

[Anonymous]

As I posted in another thread, online affairs can be pretty damn exciting. I never thought I'd say that, but it's the truth.

Post what you're looking for in the explicit forum and you'll get many PMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are more of us than you realize. We suffer in silence. It’s okay for men to complain about low-drive wives but society doesn’t encourage women to do so because it’s implying something is wrong with our husbands’ manhood. Once upon a time, I fantasized about a better sex life with my husband. Now, I fantasize about divorce. I hope to get my financial ducks in a row in the next year or two and can’t wait be be single and dating.

"Society" does not care about your husband's manhood.

And if there's one thing years of DCUM has taught me, it is that women do not "suffer in silence".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up buttercup. Men have been dealing with this forever

Gosh why aren’t you telling everyone here to (silently) declare the marriage open and go out and get an AP? Given that it’s the advice you give to every dude…

She SHOULD declare the marriage open. Not silently! Just take 10 seconds to inform your spouse, done: sexless marriage fixed and saved from divorce.

Does not matter who is the normal libido, male or female. In 90% of cases, the wife is the one who lost interest (so my advice normally does go to "every dude"). But I 100% agree this same advice applies to wives who want a normal sex life while her husband rejects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good man, love him, and he's always had a lower libido than I. Compromise with reduced frequency and same-old, same-old super-vanilla (lets get real: less than vanilla) sex was something I could compromise on. But after 12 years, we're down to zero and have been for almost 2 years. I don't bother to ask anymore. I will get a divorce after kids are up and out in another 10. I don't hang it over his head like a threat because: a) I don't want coerced sex and b) a decade-long threat is toxic--we're still married, parenting, friends, and so on, and need kindness to do that well. Divorce won't be a surprise, though. It's depressing as hell, sometimes.

No thoughts about finding a FWB?

Yes. My thoughts are
- I don't like to lie or sneak around. Anything as profound as that should be discussed and agreed upon in principle, even though the identity of the "friend" I find would probably have to be my secret.
- I think even the conversation would be painful and perceived as a divorce, and would be very risky to our marriage and coparenting. Once the door is opened, don't think I can shut it. I'd need to be very very sure, and willing to risk that. I'm not, yet.
- The taboo of having "an affair" even if sanctioned by my husband--if I were found out by someone else--is palpable.
- I would not want my husband to find his own fwb. If he has a sex drive, I'd want it expressed with me. Not sure how he'd feel to be left out of such a deal. Just another risk factor (see above).
- Not sure I can have a fwb without the emotional side of a relationship. Think it could turn nasty. Would probably just be cleaner to divorce.

Basically I'm not sure a fwb would be a solution rather than just another big stinky problem, in the end. Ymmv.

[Anonymous]

These guys are getting it on the side. Don’t be fooled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These guys are getting it on the side. Don’t be fooled

Which guys? The ones in the sexless marriages? I highly
Doubt it. Some, sure, most - no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These guys are getting it on the side. Don’t be fooled

I’d be shocked if my husband was. He’d be a master at hiding that considering he doesn’t lock his phone or computer and practically never goes out. He’d have to be doing it during work hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These guys are getting it on the side. Don’t be fooled

No way, not here. Porn, maybe, "the hand" probably, but not IRL with a real person.