friend making choices not aligned with my values - how to let it not poison our relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - sorry for being so vague. I was trying to prevent it from becoming a argument about the particular value. Trump supporting is a great corollary.

What makes a person a good friend? Imo, a friend to me is someone I genuinely like, have fun with, can laugh and cry with, who supports me and accepts my support, who doesn't judge me or try to change me, and likes me as I am. What do you value in friendship, op?

This is great, thanks. I'm not being a friend to this person - I'm not supporting them or and I'm definitely judging them. I guess the question then is what I can just let go and continue to be supportive and where there is a line crossed that I can no longer be a good friend.

You have to decide for yourself what you will tolerate. For me, if my friend is harming herself or someone else (actually physically or psychologically harming) that is a deal breaker. If she is making choices I don't agree with, which don't cause true harm (getting screwed over by a jerk stinks, but isn't harm) I stay out of it. The closest I came to dropping a friend over something you're describing was my friend who is in an abusive marriage. Ultimately, I decided that her friendship was worth it. She has no minor children and has a job. I have strict boundaries regarding what her husband knows about my family, etc. It disgusts me because he allows us to be friends due to his belief that I am okay with it. She is my friend and I love her. She knows I will help her when she is ready. My friend is good to me and I won't abandon her.

[Anonymous]

I can be friends with someone who has very different opinions or politics than I do. If that’s it, then I would say to be more open minded. But if your friend is acting on very different values, then You should rethink the relationship.
I have maintained friendships with a couple of people who were engaging regularly in immoral or illegal behavior (engaging in an affair, using illegal drugs) and in retrospect, I wish I had ended the friendship. I don’t think I was being a good friend by passively condoning it, and I shouldn’t have exposed my kids to it.

[Anonymous]

You have to find your line, OP. Is it something you can tolerate and just keep your mouth shut on, or even agree to disagree?

I've distanced myself from a friend who is a VIRULENT antivaxxer - I just can't with her "I've done my research, look at this YouTube video!" "vaccinated kids should be isolated because they're vaccine-shedding and they are the reason for the recent measles outbreaks" nonsense. I just can't stay silent and for that reason I have stopped seeing her altogether for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Does she respect your different values? If not it will be tough. I had a friend invite me to donate to her "pro life" charity event indicating a complete lack of respect for my views on the issue. That would be like me inviting her to a pro choice March....I know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she respect your different values? If not it will be tough. I had a friend invite me to donate to her "pro life" charity event indicating a complete lack of respect for my views on the issue. That would be like me inviting her to a pro choice March....I know better.

You should have invited her to donate to Planned Parenthood!

[Anonymous]

I have friends who are vehemently antiabortion or buy lots of guns, and I just stay the hell away from those topics with them and enjoy the for the aspects we have in common or appreciate in each other - sense of humor, compassion, etc. At the same time I accept that there's a "cap" on the intimacy and depth of the friendship because of our differences.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone. This has been very helpful. I think the last poster summarized it for me perfectly. I can enjoy this friend for the aspects we have in common and we do have fun together. But at the same time, this definitely causes a cap on the depth of our friendship. There are parts of myself that I will keep from this friend unfortunately and I think vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I understand this scenario, I really do. I too tried the ignore, compartmentalize, live and let live, etc approach for a long time. Something still nagged. Couldnt put my finger on it. And then, I realized: Because of her choices/values, I don't trust her.

And while she has a lot to offer, that mistrust is what clouded everything, even the good.

But that realization was helpful. Because I felt guilty and conflicted about cutting off a relationship with someone where there'd been good times and we did had much in common. But I didn't feel guilty about walking away from someone I didn't trust. I realized it was the reverse; I'd be foolish to stay in a relationship with someone I didn't trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand this scenario, I really do. I too tried the ignore, compartmentalize, live and let live, etc approach for a long time. Something still nagged. Couldnt put my finger on it. And then, I realized: Because of her choices/values, I don't trust her.

And while she has a lot to offer, that mistrust is what clouded everything, even the good.

But that realization was helpful. Because I felt guilty and conflicted about cutting off a relationship with someone where there'd been good times and we did had much in common. But I didn't feel guilty about walking away from someone I didn't trust. I realized it was the reverse; I'd be foolish to stay in a relationship with someone I didn't trust.

Thanks for this. I really like how you've expressed your feelings around this which is why I thought posting to DCUM would be useful. Give me some language for what I'm feeling. You're right - because of her choices/values, for me, it's not so much trust, it's that I don't respect her. And that clouds everything, even the good.

[Anonymous]

If it's that hard to have a simple conversation with her, show her the respect of explaining why you can no longer be friends and focus on the friends whose values are aligned with yours. Not everyone has to be friend for life.

[Anonymous]

Can't you agree to disagree? A true friendship should be able to handle this. An earlier post had a friend who was an anti-vaxer who just kept pushing their agenda. The friend's intolerance to other viewpoints is what dissolved the friendship.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose choices I don’t respect. She knows it. I have asked her to stop discussing those choices with me, and she won’t respect that boundary. I sometimes say things that hurt her feelings when the topics come up. I suspect the friendship won’t last much longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand this scenario, I really do. I too tried the ignore, compartmentalize, live and let live, etc approach for a long time. Something still nagged. Couldnt put my finger on it. And then, I realized: Because of her choices/values, I don't trust her.

And while she has a lot to offer, that mistrust is what clouded everything, even the good.

But that realization was helpful. Because I felt guilty and conflicted about cutting off a relationship with someone where there'd been good times and we did had much in common. But I didn't feel guilty about walking away from someone I didn't trust. I realized it was the reverse; I'd be foolish to stay in a relationship with someone I didn't trust.

Thanks for this. I really like how you've expressed your feelings around this which is why I thought posting to DCUM would be useful. Give me some language for what I'm feeling. You're right - because of her choices/values, for me, it's not so much trust, it's that I don't respect her. And that clouds everything, even the good.

PP here. Glad it made sense put this way. I learned I can't force myself to feel trust and respect -- or push aside feelings of mistrust/disrespect -- and more then one can force/conjure/intellectualize a physical attraction to an otherwise dateable guy who I should, in theory, consider a catch for a romantic relationship. It's either there or it's not; and if it's not there -- well, it needs to be for things to work, and it will be what makes the wheels come off, it's just a matter of when.

It's hard.

[Anonymous]

This post was ridiculously stupid. Clearly we all would like to know what you disagree with her on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is too vague to understand.

Translation:
How can I be a good friend to My liberal friend because I a conservative.